


Various Barba Imagines

by evs14u



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 09:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 93
Words: 84,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13186977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evs14u/pseuds/evs14u
Summary: These are some of the imagines from my Tumblr, just incase Tumblr ever burns down. There is fluff, smut, angst, and everything in between.





	1. Spring is Approaching

Rafael never thought he would find love. It was going to be him and case files till the end of the line. Maybe he would go into teaching in his later years, but never commitment. That all changed when he reluctantly agreed to take on a legal aide. 

You had changed everything for him. From the second you walked in, you had given him a challenge. You were smart, and not easily impressed. 

You knew your relationship could not go to the next level, without meeting his mother. He was devoted to his mother, helping her with groceries, and they had brunch at least once a month. You knew a couple of things about Lucia Barba you know that she was a principal for one low-income schools in the Bronx. After another painful evening of trying to get Rafael to you meet his mother, you decided to meet her on her own. 

You stared at her email address on the school’s website, for what felt like hours. Should you message her? Was this appropriate? What if she didn’t like you? What if she thought they had too much of an age gap? Little did you know Rafael was thinking along the same lines.

His mother had sensed something was different about him. She thought he always looked like he was carrying the world on his shoulders. Yet in the past couple of months it seemed like the world had gotten just a bit lighter. Rafael just did not want to pop the bubble he was in with you. It had been so perfect, and so pure, and since no one knew no one could ruin it.

Swoosh it was gone, you had sent it. You had made that gutsy move to email her. Rafael might be mad now, you hoped one day he would understand. You sat there awkwardly drumming on your desk. You had been so nervous to send this email that you had done everything to avoid sending it.

It was done, it was gone and you weren’t getting it back. An evil voice in the back of your head was laughing, telling you that this was the end of your relationship. 

After an hour of pretending to work, the fateful ding of your computer finally came and. There it was a reply from Mrs. Barba. You didn’t want to open it, but you needed to know what was inside. 

You opened it and scanned the email so quickly, that you totally missed the point of the message. Then you took a deep breath and read it again.

Dear Y/N,

How about you join us for brunch this Sunday?

Lucia Barba 

You breathed your first sigh of relief in what felt like hours. The next couple of days flew by without much thought. SVU had dragged in another rapist. There had been some mix up at the lab, and now the defense was trying to get a mistrial. 

You had been meaning to tell Rafael all week about Sunday brunch, but it never happened there was never a moment to spare. And if you were truly honest with yourself, you had not given it your best shot. You knew this was childish, and only temporary relief. Walking home at about 1 am Saturday, after finally finding the right case law to make sure the mistrial would not go through all you wanted to do was sleep. You had slept the last couple of nights at the office and at that point your only goal was your own bed. After finally reaching your bed, you fell asleep in seconds.

After what seemed like too little sleep, the natural sunlight woke you. You stretched and thought about how spending a whole day in bed with some cereal, would be the best day ever. 

Then it hit you like a ton of bricks. Brunch. 

Oh God brunch. You ran around you tiny apartment trying your hardest not to look to closely at the clock, and let the realization slip in on how much you had already overslept. Rushing around the apartment you took a two-minute shower since you still smelled like the DA’s office, which was not the smell you wanted to bring to brunch.

Running into the small café at about three hundred miles an hour, tripping over, and you landed right in front of your intended table. You heard Lucia Barba voice go

“Are you ok, Ms.?” All you wanted to do was lay on the floor, maybe you could do your casework from this your new home of shame. This fantasy popped when I heard Rafael say,

“Y/N is that you?” God dammit, I abandoned the safe floor of shame and stood up. 

I put on my best, “Hi-I-am-dating-your-son” smile, and turned to Mrs. Barba.

“Yes, hi, sorry I am late, there was traffic” I lied, I knew that she could see right through my lie, but mercifully, she let it pass.

“Stop standing there and join us. Y/N was it?”

“Oh thank you,” You took your place, and hoping to God that the rest of this meal would be better than the first two minutes. Rafael still stared at me in shock

“Rafael you can close your mouth now, this wonderful young lady had the balls to email and ask for this brunch,” she said effectively shutting his gaping mouth. “My only question is why did you keep her from me for so long?”

“I… I didn’t know if you would approve, Mamí,” he said, regaining his composure “I did not know she emailed you.” 

Throwing me a we-will-talk-about-this-later look.

“Yes I know, but the Borelli case came up and I just did not find the right moment” you interjected, and deciding that lying was not the best way to continue a relationship with Lucia Barba.

You continued “and I never grew the balls to tell you.” This made the corners of his mouth twitch.

“Why did you think I would not approve of this lovely young lady?”

“I am quite young and…”

“You think I would care about that? Rafael!” Lucida said, hitting her son on the back of his head “All a woman ever has to be to please me, is to make you happy”

“But Yelena…” He tried to interject, but Lucia sped on.

“She wasn’t making you happy, you were too blinded by love to notice it.” 

After that our food came, it turned into a nice meal. Lucia asked all the right questions, and I seem to be giving the right answer. 

The ice was broken, and spring was definitely approaching. On departure Lucia said, “It was great meeting you Y/N, we should definitely do it again some time, maybe for dinner, I’ll make asopao criollo de pollo.” 

“That sounds fantastic” you replied. Rafael kissed his mother’s cheek, and she whispered something in his ear.

As we walked down the sunny New York city street, hand in hand.

“What did she say?”

He smiled and said “she told me “she’s the one”.”


	2. Destress (fluff)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I hate Christmas. Don’t get me wrong I love the holiday, when I am not at work."

I hate Christmas. Don’t get me wrong I love the holiday, when I am not at work. 

As a surgeon the holiday season is the worst. So many drunken idiots, who decide that this was the right time to try snowboarding of their own roof. I was stitching up the wounds of the 6th person that had decided to do something stupid while drunk, and this was just in the first half hour of work. 

I had always worked Christmas in NY. I usually work all around Christmas Eve and day. It allows me to help out and limit the amount of time I had to spend with my family. 

All of this had changed this year though, I had met Rafael Barba in May, and he had changed everything. I had something to go home to now. I didn’t want to work crazy overtime, and spend my nights in the on call room, sleeping on what could generously be called a ball of hay. 

Yes, there are always the wonderful cases. The one where women go into labor or you finally found a kidney for someone on the transplant list. These cases weren’t the norm. It is all laceration and alcohol related injuries. I wanted to spend christmas with Rafael, sitting by the fire, wearing cute jumpers, and drinking hot chocolate. 

Yet it seemed that we did not have a minute together. Rudnick and Yates had escaped, and Rafael was hot on their heels. How could I complain that he didn’t sing Spanish Christmas carols when there were two serial killers killing together? So I didn’t, but even though I did miss him. Then a wailing baby came into the emergency room. I felt my headache racing to match the kid’s pitch. I excused myself from a perfectly stitched wound and started towards the kid. A haggled mother looked at me.

“He just drank it, we didn’t know it was bad for him” Internally I rolled my eyes, but of course I needed good bedside manner, so I said “What did he eat?”

“Well he drank it,… the milk” I creased my eyebrows, she added “I meant real milk” 

I was still confused but then I got it. “You gave a baby cows’ milk?”

“Yes.”

“May I ask why? Do you have some sort of anomaly with your breast milk or formula? Did it never occurred to you that there is a reason for formula or breast milk?”

This was going to be an unbearable day. 

Being trapped in this prison was the worst. Today was supposed to be short. 

Go to the prison come back and spend all day with her, but that wasn’t in the cards. It had taken him a couple of weeks and a couple comments from Olivia to see how stressed you were. He had always seen you as his rock, the woman who could work a 12 hour shift and then run a marathon if you wanted to. You were Superwoman. 

Yet, the last couple of days he had noticed that she was exhausted, he knew why. It was the holiday season, and you hated it. You used to rant about it, but this season you were just quiet. The second you had come home from a particularly brutal shift, and had just climbed into bed without one biting remark about New York’s consumption of alcohol, he knew something had to be done. 

He had rented a winter garden, and wanted to take you and let you just relax for a day. You loved winter gardens, you said that they were “her own little world within the world.”

He was about to just rush the guard and fight his way out.

Breakfast lunch and dinner in the garden, with books board games, and wonderful picnic baskets. He had picked this place because it reminded him of her. There were a lot of potted flowers, including tulips and daffodils. She loved the vibrant colors they provided. Comfortable couches, and the garden that surrounded the glass house was even more lovely with snow covering every inch of the small garden. The only thing that was standing in his way was a guards and a lot concrete.

Laying on my bed at home as the greatest thing I had ever experienced. My muscles ached and my bones cracked, but I was at peace. I had washed the horrible stale hospital stench from my body. Now all I needed was Rafael, but what could I say there was no way to transport him here my eyes landed on my bedside table. There was a beautiful envelope with my name on it. I reached and with a groan I reached it. Opening it I saw Rafael’s perfect scrawl.

Dear Elizabeth,

There is a car outside waiting for you. Get in and relax, we are going to have fun today.

Trust me you will love it,

Rafael Barba

“Oh God. What had happened? We never do something this spontaneous.” 

After getting ready quickly, we drove for a good hour outside of the city. After we had left civilization well behind, we got to a small house. Where Rafael was waiting out front with a bouquet of flowers.

“What’s this?” I asked, pecking him absent mildly, taking the flowers.

“This is your day” he was smiling at me.

“Thank you” I walked into the winter garden. I felt myself relax, taking in the wonderful gift.


	3. Kisses Through Time

**Morning/Breakfast - Spine kiss**

  


 

“Could you zip me up?” I asked walking into Rafael’s kitchen. He looked up from the New York Times, his face breaking into a smile.

“Of course cariño” He got up, and pushed his his bowl away. When he reached me I tucked my hair to the side. 

“What's the occasion?”

“We have a new department head, and rather than just wearing my scrubs. I decided this was more appropriate.”

“I am not so sure about appropriate” I chuckled. 

“You have to remember not everyone has the same memories of this dress as you do.” 

In response he started kissing up my spine, leaving goosebumps in his wake.

“I would hope not” he breathed in my ear as the zipper reached its destination.

**Afternoon/Lunch - Shoulder Kiss**

  


 

“Just because you get to hold beating hearts in your hands daily, doesn't mean the the rest of us aren't doing important work” he said, stabbing at the “healthy” salad, I had brought him.

“So you're telling me you spend the morning putting criminals away?” He sighed and I smirked.

“No it was more WR5 forms” 

“That is what I thought. Yes, I do do some incredible work but, I have paperwork days just as everyone else does.”

“Oh, I only remember the night of July 31st”

“We swore never to speak of that night.” 

“Rafi, save me from the paperwork monster, it is going to eat my soul,” he circling me and he put his lips on my shoulder. I returned his smile.

“It was a bad night,” In a tone of mock seriousness, “and the paperwork monster is real”

“Hmm, like a hydra, we cut off one head and two new ones grow back, but we aren’t going to let it beat us are we dulzerita?” he murmured into my skin.

This man was going to be the death of me.

Getting up, I pecked his lips, “Good luck Hercules”

**Night/Dinner - Hipbone kiss**

  


 

“You are cooking? I thought you said that cooking is dumb when you can order take out” a voice said, wrapping large hands around my middle.

“I stand by that, but I thought since you had to face the hydra today, I’d break my solemn vow of take out to cook for you. Plus, I would feel bad if I never used this amazing Cuban recipe book your mother gave us, I think she is testing me and I intend to pass”

“I think she gave it to us because she wants me to cook for you, I think her words were “Rafi that girl works herself raw. You should at least cook for her.” He knew that in his mother's mind they were as good as married.

“What is it going to be?”

“Lechon con moro y maduros”

“My favorite” he said, his wispered “I feel like i should repay you”

“How would you do that?” I asked distracted by the stove. In response he lifted the fabric of my worn out Harvard t-shirt and kissed circles into my hipbone. I sighed and leaned back into him.

“I think I found a method of payment, cariño” he said.  

I laughed turning towards him, and knitting my hands through his hair “I guess I won’t have to break my take-out vow.”


	4. Regrets From Yesterday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I buried my face into his neck, smelling that strong cologne that smelled like the sun on it’s last ride of the autumn wind."

The evening had been wonderful, it was wonderful to experience tonight after all the hard work we had put it in. I thought sipping my champagne flute absently.

Yet in my heart, I knew that he was here, and that if I didn’t see him the evening would feel like a failure.

I hated him for that.

All he had to do was show up.

I had avoided him throughout the formal part of the evening. I had glimpsed him and even though I didn’t want to admit it, he had seen my too and good God he had looked good. I knew he would look this good. I had hoped that America had fattened him up or his face had aged badly, but no of course not he still looked as good as he did all those years.

A woman with big golden brown curls and an amazing black dress stepped up to the mike and announced that this would be the last song and dance. I knew it would be my last chance I walked down to the dance floor, my champagne flute forgotten on some faraway table. I was right behind him.

Who knew that tapping someone on the shoulder would be this hard? Without a second thought I reverted back to my knock from all those years ago. I did my customary three taps and stopping his conversation and turned around when his green eyes matched mine it was like our history bubbled to the front.

“Hi” I said wringing my hands.

“Hello, this is such a big win with your campaign moving up and up I really think that Senator Leight is the best choice, and you look great”

“Thank you, same to you. Wanna dance?’ I asked, knowing I needed to be close to him again.

“Last call, our signature move” he answered, quirking a smile.  

He led me onto the floor, and the band struck up a slow cord. He took my hips in his big warm hands and I felt safe again, I breathed out and it felt like I had been holding it  for years. The woman with the large curls started singing.

_“Everybody loves the things you do_

_From the way you talk to the way you move_

_Everybody here is watching you”_

In my inner eye I saw the blood on my hands, a mashed whiskey glass on the floor, and I heard the faintest tinkle of Schubert’s  _Ave Maria_. To avoid Rafael seeing the tears that had just formed in my eyes, I buried my face into his neck, smelling that strong cologne that smelled like the sun on it’s last ride of the autumn wind.

“Are you ok?” he asked swaying us slightly more.

“Yeah I am fine, it’s just it’s been a long couple of months to get here and it hasn’t been the easiest path.” From far away I heard…

_“Cause you feel like home_

_You’re like a dream come true_

_But if by chance you’re here alone_

_Can I have a moment before I go?_

_‘Cause I’ve been by myself all night long,_

_Hoping you’re someone I used to know._

Broken windows, half packed bags, and my own tear stained face flashed before my eyes. I decided then and there that I was determined to find out more about his current life.

“So how are you?” I said pushing those images into the back of my mind.

“Just like that?” he asked surprised “no pretense now how is the job, or is your mother doing well?”

“I never needed pretend with you” I said, knowing it was the truth.   

’ _Cause you feel like home_

_You’re like a dream come true_

“Sometimes I wonder what we did wrong I mean we did have it all” I said deciding it was now or never.  

“Y/N, we wanted different things in life, you were on the cusp of professional greatness and I was ready to settle down to build a life.”

“Maybe, but I still think we would have been great

_My God, this reminds me._

_Of when we were young_

_Let me photograph you in this light_

_In case it is the last time_

_That we might be exactly like we were_

_Before we realized_

_We were sad of getting old_

_It made us restless_

“I am sorry I didn’t come back” he said, his face etched with sorrow.  

“You shouldn’t have had to” I responded honestly “I was ready. I was just afraid I would loose everything I had worked for, and that you reacting to my loss would find another girl that was more interesting.”

_I was so scared to face my fears_

_Nobody told me that you’d be here_

_And I swear you moved overseas_

_That’s what you said, when you left me_

“Did you ever find what you needed?” it was vital for me to know.

“Yes, Marina and I got married about 5 years ago.” The realization that he had moved on felt like a knuckle punch to the gut.  

_Let me photograph you in this light_

_In case it is the last time_

_That we might be exactly like we were_

_Before we realized_

_We were sad of getting old_

_It made us restless_

“Sadly, in a cruel twist of fate Marina realized that she wasn’t right for me and found another man.”

_It’s hard to admit that_

_Everything just takes me back_

_To when you were there_

_To when you were there_

_And a part of me keeps holding on_

_Just in case it hasn’t gone_

Taking a leap of faith I asked “I guess I still care. do you still care?”

He smiled sadly at me as if he wanted to convey both sorrow and pity. “I think tonight we should stick to our signature”   

_Let me photograph you in this light_

_In case it is the last time_

_That we might be exactly like we were_

_Before we realized_

_We were sad of getting old_

_It made us restless_

_Oh I’m so mad I’m getting old_

_It makes me reckless_

_It was just like a movie_

_It was just like a song_

_When we were young_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cutting me off he said, “Come on.” He led me to the bathroom and rubbed my back as I dry heaved over the toilet. I knew I had brought him for a reason. I mean apart from him being my boyfriend, and the fact that I wanted him to meet my parents.

God I hated yachts, who had decided that partying on water was a good idea? I felt another wave of nausea wash over me and I tumbled into Rafael. As always he was dressed to the nines.

With his dark salmon polo shirt, and khaki pants and to top it all off he had added a bright yellow rain coat. 

In shock he asked, “Y/N are you ok?” Regaining my balance, I answered in a small voice.

“No I’m not this is just all too much…” 

Cutting me off he said, “Come on.” He led me to the bathroom and rubbed my back as I dry heaved over the toilet. I knew I had brought him for a reason. I mean apart from him being my boyfriend, and the fact that I wanted him to meet my parents.

“Thank you” I turned to him in one of my brief spells of no nausea, turning back to the bowl, I added “God I wish the criminals in this city would commit a crime so we could get out of here.”

“You don't mean that” he said softly, now rubbing infinity signs into my back. 

“Yeah I know, but anything to get off this boat. Why the hell did I think this was a good idea?”

“Your reasoning was “that if you could defend the city against crime that you could go on a measly boat.””

“What the fuck was I thinking? I am not Aquaman.”

“Aquaman really?” He knew I had just committed a cardinal sin. 

“I am sorry, my brain is all fish right now.” 

Then merciful Neptune smiled down on me because Rafael’s phone started to ring, he picked it up and still rubbing circles into my back after a minute of listening he said “I'll be there in ten” after another ten seconds he quickly replied.

“I'll pick Y/N on my way to you.” Our code for we are together but 1PP can't know, Olivia knew the code well.

“Oh thank you Neptune.”

After a couple of excuses we finally got off that stupid yacht.

“I love the solid ground,” I sang as we reached the dock. In my haste I basically fell onto the dock. At the last second I felt two giant hands catch my waste.

“Y/N, we will be there in a second.” I knew he was holding in the giggles. 

I leaned against Rafael. “Thank you I could not have done that without you.”

He smirked “I love you too.”

After getting to the office we disentangled and walked with the biggest distance possible between us. I went to catch up with TARU and Rafael walked into the interrogation watch room

I still heard Olivia ask.

“Where were you on your yacht?” 

Rafael in his snarky tone answered

“Not my yacht.”


	6. Bad Day (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then minutes later a quick knock at the door. I opened the door revealing a rather disheveled Barba with a loose tie around his neck and the smell of scotch and cigars all around him.

I am coming over, that was all that the text had read.

Not even a question, though to be fair there had never been one. This was their way to unwind after a bad case. A person they couldn’t save. This week had been brutal to the both of us, having to look through thousands of files all about abused underage girls. 

Early on in our relationship, we had realized that there was sexual tension, and rather being like other couples they knew, we addressed it head on. We both knew we didn’t want a relationship, so they settled to colleagues with benefits. 

I texted back ok, trying to show some sort of force, not that it mattered.

Then minutes later a quick knock at the door. I opened the door revealing a rather disheveled Barba with a loose tie around his neck and the smell of scotch and cigars all around him.

“Done with the motion for tomorrow?” I asked feebly. He didn’t answer me, just pressed me against the wall. He dropped to his knees, and held me firmly against the wall his hands. 

I had gotten home ten minutes before him so I was still in her business suit. Barba took advantage of that and slid a hand up my skirt, and without a second thought he hiked up my shirt, and used his teeth to remove the stockings from my legs. God he knew exactly what he was doing to me. 

As if he had read my thoughts, he chuckled saying “already all hot and bothered usually i have to work a little harder.” This irritated me I usually had control over all parts of my life, but him? He had always been a wild card in my life. 

A minute later all I was left in was my flowery underwear. Without warning and with a sense of urgency his tongue began to it’s delicious torture of my most sensitive clit. Within seconds my legs started to shake. He held her tighter. God, his hands were massive on my hips, as he nipped one final time at my clit, I came undone right there in her own hallway. I couldn’t even make it to the bedroom with him. With the force of my orgasm my knees buckled under me and what little weight that they had supported shifted completely into Barba’s hands.

He chuckled again and saying, “I think that’s a new record, cariño.”

“Oh shut up” I barked, even thought that was heavily undercut by the fact that I still had the post orgasmic bliss etched into my features. He lifted me gently, walking me to the bedroom. He laid me down and started to take off his clothes. Kissing me deeply and putting a cool hand on my still sensitive crotch. 

He probably thought a cool hand would help me calm down, but it had just it just drove up my arousal meter again. The more she thought about it, the more the second option had seemed to be his plan all along. As I start to build your own orgasm again he slowly entered me. It was the complete opposite to what happened in the hall.

All of that was frantic need was gone, but even though I had gotten my release already, and he hadn’t he was still perfectly fine slowly fucking me. It was the agony of the slowly building pleasure. 

Come on just say it, since he was desperately refusing to hit my g spot, and he knew exactly where it was, he had proven that on many occasion, but he wanted me to beg.

I used the last weapon in my arsenal and looked up at him with the most innocent look in my eyes I whispered “hacer que me corra.” 

She could hear his breath hitch and his control break and then he started thrusting in earnest, finding her favorite spot and making triple sure to do what she asked him to.


	7. IAB Protection

“You did what?” I slammed the door to Rafael’s office behind me.

“I told them it wasn’t your collar,” he said not looking up from his paperwork.

“It was though.” Calming down a little and stopping in front of his desk.

“You didn’t slap the cuffs on the guy.” 

“True but Walsh is my responsibility.”

“But it isn’t your fault and knowing you, you would have forced Tucker to recuse himself.” Now he looked up at me and with a smile that clearly said that he thought that I was ridiculous.

“Of course I know him and he is dating my boss.”

“Wait… Olivia and Tucker?” he looked genuinely surprised.

“Yes did you not know? Don’t derail me. Why the hell did you protect me from IAB?”

“Because you didn’t deserve to get a mark on your record just because Walsh decided to be overzealous,” He stood rounded the table, and pulled me into a a hug that I hadn’t known I needed. 

“He is my trainee, his mistakes are mine,” instinctively squaring my shoulders.

“No, not in this case, we all know that you believe in the fourth amendment. There is no way you would’ve done what he did. You know exactly what happens to those who skirt the law” now being completely serious.

“This is exactly why I attended the police academy, not to have to deal with shit like this,” Now more annoyed than mad. 

“You deserved the help, and much more I wanted to help you cariño” his voice softening.

I groaned out of frustration, “I don’t want these kind of favors we are already bending the rules just being together and…” 

“We are completely in the clear when it comes…” 

“Oh come on, you know that you could read an interpretation of those rules where what we are doing is against it!”

“Yeah and what is our punishment? A fee that is laughable” he said now smiling at what was a probably my completely flushed face. 

“It also goes on our record.” I shot back without thinking.

“So you don’t think this is worth a mark on your record?” he asked and for the first time his smirk cracked. 

“Uhh…” was the only thing that came out. Taking a deep breath and feeling my anger abating I said, “It’s ok.”

But not hearing me he went on, as he rounded the desk and started pacing.

“Cariño that violation would have cost you your badge, and you didn’t raid that house without a warrant. I would like to think that there is a difference between us sometimes breaking the civil service rules and having a fourth amendment violation on your record” he looked exasperatedly at me. I smiled at him.

“I don’t agree with your methods but thank you none the less,” giving his confused face a kiss.

“Wait, I won an argument?”

“Stranger things have happened,” I said picking up my coat and starting for the door.

“So that does mean that I get to drive home tonight.” I laughed and said with a wink “No it might mean, that you for once, you might be on top tonight.”


	8. Lingerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He gave her a quick noise of understanding, and in low tones he said to me “I will be home early tonight and trust me me when I say this cariño, I am going to do everything in my power to show you exactly how much I love you.”

Lingerie had never been my thing. I was either too busy, the clothes were to flashy, and what was the point if no one ever my underwear, plus lingerie as a surgeon, would be uncomfortable. All of that changed when I got a boyfriend, not that he was crazy into lingerie, but it had been weeks since we had more than two minutes alone. A certain sentimentality had washed over me, on my first day off in months. I mean why not?

It was in the privacy of my own home. Plus a colleague of mine sister had just opened a high end lingerie boutique uptown. My first thought was just to go to Macy’s and buy of the rack, lucily Amanda had advised me against it. After downing some liquid courage, I headed uptown. After about an hour and several more glasses of champagne. 

I had found the perfect [one](http://www.lingerie.co.uk/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/700x895/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/m/e/mesh-babydoll-with-satin-padded-lc2474-1.jpg).

Now how to tell him, how does one do this? I didn’t want to surprise him, that would be too much, but a bit of a tease was always welcome. He always won when it came to sex. 

Taking the control most of the time, and I usually just let him have it, but today I wanted to turn the tables. I didn’t want to give it all away so easily, so I called him. Answering the phone “Rafael Barba.”

“It is so sweet when you do that, really shows you were raised right.”

“What can I tell you mi madré is brilliant” I could hear the smile in his voice.  

“Ok Mama’s boy, I have to run. But I just wanted to tell you that, I went to Victoria’s Secret today, and I got something that you may want to see. I’ll be waiting for you.” I could hear his breath catch in his throat, and trying for it to cover it with a cough from somewhere near to Rafael, I heard Olivia say “the jury’s coming back” 

He gave her a quick noise of understanding, and in low tones he said to me “I will be home early tonight and trust me me when I say this cariño, I am going to do everything in my power to show you exactly how much I love you.”


	9. Labor in Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sitting in a public bathroom stall, heaving out your guts, while being 2 times bigger than you are used to makes you pause and think about your life. Being pregnant is a bit like being in military boot camp. Running miles with heavy gear, rain or shine. Trying to jump hurdles, and maybe just see my toes once. Pregnancy affects everything.

Sitting in a public bathroom stall, heaving out your guts, while being 2 times bigger than you are used to makes you pause and think about your life. Being pregnant is a bit like being in military boot camp. Running miles with heavy gear, rain or shine. Trying to jump hurdles, and maybe just see my toes once. Pregnancy affects everything. 

From your sleep schedule to when you pee, mostly at night. Food was a minefield; my normal BLT lunch was now repulsive to me. Yet olives were my best friends. Then there was the kicking it was like this baby was running a marathon and I was its treadmill. Yet after all of this I still loved her. She was mine. 

Ours, Rafael had been the best father to be, I could have hoped for. We had been trying to get pregnant for a year, it finally happened. We had been married for about 3 years, since research found that married couple, needed to get used to this new position before having kids. So we did, this was something that Rafael objected to greatly, he wanted to have children right away. He wanted a family, but I needed the time. 

I had never thought about having kids, it had never been part of my life plan. Yet that all changed with Rafael Barba, I didn’t know if I could do it. Yet I know I wanted this, when I was sure, we started. As I heaved one last time; I stood up and smoothed my skirt, and tried to walk to the back to the courtroom, with some dignity. 

God, why did this trial have to be now? I know it was the defense that wanted to see if I would show up nine months pregnant. They were hoping we would move the trial back months, and they could help their client flee the country. Against Rafael’s urging, I came today. I wasn’t going to let that perverted asshole get away. So here I was 9 months pregnant in a suit, about to testify about this horrible crime.

“Dr. Coronado, in what state did you find the victim?’ Buchanan asked getting up.

“She was standing outside my flat asking for help, she had been bloodied and had ripped clothing, and she was covered in mud and what I assumed was blood.” As I said this, I felt as my entire lower torso contract. “No oh god not now, come on Olive, not now” I thought, not wanting Buchanan get his way.

“So what did you do?”

“I pulled off my jacket gave it to her and took her to the hospital, the hospital followed procedure, and did a rape kit.”

“What did the rape kit show?”

“That the attacker used a condom.” As if Olive had heard that annoying piece of evidence the defense was using to cast doubt on the trial, she gave me a huge contraction. As if to say, “Mommy, you can not let the bad man get away.” I was half happy that at this tender age she had a strong belief in justice, but I also felt like a punching back

“Do you believe that the victim Ms. Parker, is capable of manipulating the SVU detectives?“

“Objection” Rafael seeing one slight injustice and needing to correct it, since I had told him I was pregnant, he had been even more dedicated to justice. Father like daughter, god how was I going to survive the next 18 years?

“Your honor Dr. Coronado as the title says is a doctor” Buchanan argued using his best ignorance face.

“Your honor she is a surgeon, and is trained in basic psychological evaluation.” Barba retorted from behind his desk. I had never seen him want to flip a desk that hard that fast.

“Overruled Mr. Barba, the witness must answer the question.”

“No i doesn’t think she could have manipulated any of us, her story was consistent without being repetitive, the rape kit bares her out as well, though there was no semen there were external and internal cuts and bruises.” Olive hearing of Elise pain, she mirrored in kind sending another ferocious cramp through my body, but I was not going to affect my testimony

“Could this, as the Mr. Cervinas, claim be party of consensual play.”

“Unlikely, not only does Ms. Parker not have any history of this sort of activity, she also fought off her attacker”

“Thank your Ms. Coronado,” he said but quickly corrected himself, “Sorry Doctor Coronado, how is the baby?”

Barba started to stand up, but I waived him off, knowing that Buchanan just wanted to bait him.

“It is fine Mr. Barba, I am good thank you Mr. Buchanan. Yet I suggest you keep your questions to the purpose of the case, rather than trying to discredit me by brining up my pregnancy. I am the outcry witness, nothing else.” Only after Buchanan had brought up the actual pregnancy, I realized what those cramps were, they were contractions. For some reason I had not recognized this pain for what it was.

“Alright Dr. Coronado, you say it could not have been consensual due to the scratches what if that was part of their play?”

“You could explain any rape that way can’t you? Oh she wanted it. You could say that she was only crying out for her pleasure, that doesn’t make it rape.” I said a bit more testily, in my defense I was having contractions on the stand. I put a hand on my belly as if to try and slow down the contractions, though that made no medical sense.

“Dr. Coronado, are you ok?” Buchanan asked, God he was good at picking up contraction cues.

“I am fine,” I said very strained.

“Dr. Coronado, I believe your water has broken,” said the judge next to me.

“Gen, mierda. Come on he have to get you to the hospital” Rafael said getting up as quickly as possible.

“No I am not leaving until my testimony is done,” I said, thinking I had gotten this far I could wait a bit more.

“Dr. Coronado, I think we can wait for you to give birth.” The judge said.

“Alright, but I do not want this to be grounds for a mistrial.”

“Your commitment to justice is admirable, but I promise there are no grounds for a mistrial here.” The judge said kindly. Turning to Rafael I said weakly smiling and still in a world of paid “Ok, let us go and meet Olive”

Rafael rolled his eyes in exasperation and got up, to get me to the hospital.


	10. Ice Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some women draped over Rafael, and he wasn’t complaining. She was sitting in his lap, and she wasn’t even a patron she was a waitress. Oh this was too good, how could he do that? I mean we weren’t together but this was quite the turnaround. I straightened out my suit, and walked up to the table. I nailed on my sweetest smile.

My day was shit. Everything went wrong, it was one of those days where everything goes wrong, every rope snaps, and every bridge collapses. But it was about to be over and I couldn’t be happier. I had spent my day giving my medical expertise to the inmates at Rikers. Which weren’t bad, maximum-security prisons were always stressful, since you always had to be on alert. 

My uber was 20 minutes late, and so I stood outside the penitentiary for 20 minutes in the freezing rain. Finally when he came and we got on the highway, we hit traffic.

It was as if the president himself was driving through the streets of New York. So rather than meeting Rafael at the Courthouse like we had planned, but it was moved to Shaws’ bar where the gang was headed anyway. When I finally got there I was mercifully dry again but I still looked a bit like an boiled egg. 

I decided to screw it, thinking that there was no one to impress here, and that the squad had seen me after a shift in the clinic, and all I wanted was Rafael to wrap his arms around me under the table, while we discussed Frannie, and teething babies. 

Yet I couldn’t have been more wrong. When I walked into the bar with its soft jazz music I first went to the bar and ordered my regular vodka cranberry. But when I turned around to our regular table, I saw it. 

Some women draped over Rafael, and he wasn’t complaining. She was sitting in his lap, and she wasn’t even a patron she was a waitress. Oh this was too good, how could he do that? I mean we weren’t together but this was quite the turnaround. I straightened out my suit, and walked up to the table. I nailed on my sweetest smile.

“Hi guys, I am sorry that I am late. It turns out it is harder than I thought to get an uber from Rikers.” Turning to Rafael and his ‘friend’ I said, “Hi I am Analise, and you are?”

“Oh sorry I am Mimi.” she extended one hand with long acrylic nails.

“Mimi, nice to meet you” I replied, dropping her hand as fast as I could. I sat down I wasn’t going to let this derail me. The conversation soon turned to shop talk. Not that anyone said it, but aside from cute pictures of Noah, Frannie, or Fin’s son’s wedding, there was not much else in our lives. After a while of talking about the shop, Mimi turned her attention to me and said “So Analise what do you do?”

“Oh me I am a diagnostician,“ Evilly thinking, wow; she can ask a legitimate question.

“Uhh so like House?” she asked.

“Yes,”I silently stared pleadingly with Carisi, to change the conversation, luckily he picked up on it, and said “But Lis does have a knack for seeing straight through people.” No this isn’t I wanted, ok it was what I wanted, but it was not going to be pretty.

“So like Sherlock Holmes?” she asked with big vacant eyes, oh no they were going to go down that road. I then pleadingly, looked at everyone else at the table. Nothing. After a minute of silence she said, “So do it!” I ignored her, hoping that this would just go away. I realized that this was irrational, but I wanted try. I just kept stirring my drink. Not taking the hint she said.

“Come on analyze Rafael” that did it for me, first name basis, how long had they being doing it behind my back.

“Ok fine,” she wanted discord here it came “Nice suit though a bit worn, which means he cares for his possessions, meaning someone taught how to save money. Which indicates low socioeconomic status as a child. Which is further supported by the watch he wears, old but steady. Nothing flashy, so a keepsake. It is a man’s watch so his father’s. Uh but he just tensed, so that was an abusive relationship?” I knew I had stepped into bad territory, but my brain didn’t care, it was just pissed off, so in spite of my better angels I continued, “Ok so abusive, I am guessing physical. He hit your mom too right? So you wear that watch to remind you not to become like him, even though you have a wanted to.” moving on from his painful childhood, even if he wasn’t sleeping with her now, he would be after I was done. I continued but I was trying to steer away from his deepest pains. “If you look closely you can also see a glint of a chain on his neck. Men only wear necklaces if they are significant, with Rafael’s heritage, I am guessing a cross.” knowing that I had to get off the family stuff, it didn’t matter how much I loved feeling that cold cross against my back, or how I had a friend of mine rewire his old watch.

I knew that I had a lot more on Barba, but at the realization that I still wanted him after he had gone after this woman, made me reconsider my rant. Everyone was stunned into silence. Only Mimi seemed unaware of the tension, my little speech had just caused.

“Well in fairness you know Rafi quite well oh if you knew how well how about you do someone you don’t know…like me?” Oh poor poor little girl, this was going to be too easy, and this time there was no chance of hurting anyone I actually cared about. 

“Sure, first off you were born with small breasts, and the ones you have now are a gross overcompensation for the ones you had. Also the shirt you wearing suggest that you are more used to working with your sexuality, and hey what is better than getting tips from tired horny ADA?” 

I could not help myself, he wanted to screw her, and I would screw with him. “

Your hair is also colored to that platinum blond so someone wants to be noticed. You are also wearing contacts and that isn’t your real eye color. The tattoos on your right ankle is a sloppy version of an anchor and an infinity symbol, some of the most common tattoos so my guess drunken midnight mistake. You are also what they call a heat-seeking missile; you look for powerful men and then sink your hooks into, hoping they could boost your career or at least boost your endorphins for an hour. Which is why you are sitting on Mr. Barba’s lap like that, you are trying to figure out if he has any actual power. Am I wrong?”

She had lost her sugar sweet exterior and now knew exactly what I was doing. I downed the rest of my vodka cranberry, and threw a couple of bills on the table. Turning to Mimi I said, “I got your part of the tab covered, as a thank you.”

I walked outside and when the cold New York air hit my face i felt a lot better. I didn’t realize that Barba had followed me out here.

“What the hell Lise, why did you do that to her?” 

“Why not you let her sit on your lap like the second rate whore that she is. Why shouldn’t I take her down a peg? She is the type of woman that perpetuates the stereotype that we are only here to please men, and I for one am not a fan of that.”

“Come on, you are telling me that this has nothing to do with us?”

“Us are you fucking kidding me? It has nothing to do with the fact that you fucked me on your desk less than 48 hours ago. Not at all.”

“What the fuck, you said you didn’t want a relationship?” he said throwing his arms up in the air.

“I don’t, I just didn’t think that you would move on that fast or that low.”

“Now the truth comes out, you are jealous.” he was both proud and annoyed at the same time.

“No I am not,” Sending him a murderous glare.

“You are, the ice queen herself is jealousy, a emotional human response, you care,” he said now genuinely smiling.

“Oh fuck off” this day could not get any worse; I needed it to be over. So I turned away and started walking in the general direction of my apartment.

“Oh Lise” he surprised me by pushing me against the wall and kissing me. He kissed with so much force, and so much passion. He used his entire body to press me against the brick wall of the bar. He had knocked the wind out of me and now he would have to pay. I moved away from his mouth and taking advantage of his passion, I started kissing his neck. Moving down, he started breathing shallower by the second. I found a sensitive spot by his clavicle that made something deep in his chest rumble. Then he put one of his legs between mine, he applied asymmetric pressure to my core and he knew very well that there was no way I could let this stand.


	11. A "Good" Guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I had disguised my baby as a cold, and for some reason it had worked.

It had been a bad month. 

A really bad month, most days at SVU were pretty good. Today was one of those days where everything fell apart all at once.

It had started out innocuously enough, I had felt weird the last couple weeks, and being a smart woman, I went to my general practitioner. 

She had dropped the bomb on me; I was pregnant. We had never even planned for this. I mean we were logistically set up for it. Our apartment was big enough, and so were our financials, but raising an actual child. 

Then it came to Rafael, we had been dating for 3 years, and were living together. We had played with the idea of marriage, but not in any official planning capacity. Now I was pregnant. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. I wasn’t afraid that he would leave me. I was afraid he would stay. He would stay out of sense of duty, not out of love. 

That was the kind of man he was, full of passion and energy. I would be stuck. Did I want to be stuck? Could I? Did I have to have this child? What about work? 

How would I cope? I couldn’t leave SVU. I saw that it took a lot of strength for Amanda and Olivia to leave behind their kids. What about pregnancy, and I knew nothing about raising a kid.

“Y/N, come on we are going to be late” Rafael shouted from the kitchen, adding quickly, “Everything ok?”

“Everything is fine just feel a bit woozy, I am still getting over this cold.” Yes, I had disguised my baby as a cold, and for some reason it had worked.

I knew something was off when I walked into precinct, it was never this tense, unless something horrible was going on. Was William Lewis back? Which of the pedophiles we had put away had gotten out on some bullshit technicality? Spotting Fin I jogged over. 

“Hey Finn what’s going on?”

“Do you remember that girl that came in last week saying her boyfriend had beaten her?” 

I nodded “He has trapped them in an apartment in Queens, and SWAT wants to storm it.”

“They aren’t that dumb? She’ll end up dead.”

“Yeah, Liv has been trying all morning to get the SWAT team to see reason, sadly it has come to nothing.”

“God I love “career development training”.” I said remembering that drab classroom in one of the basements in city hall. 

Seeing Fin’s confused look I added, “I got certified last month as a hostage negotiator, and legally SWAT has to wait for one of us, before they can bust in.” I grabbed my badge and gun from my desk, and turned back to Fin 

“Don’t tell anyone I left. Say I’m running late because Rafael spilled his coffee or something else dumb, but tell Liv where I am and make her keep talking to the head of SWAT.” With that I ran towards the doors

When I arrived at the scene, I saw that SWAT was already setting up. I approached the man in charge. “Captain, I am Detective L/N, you called me?”

“Excuse me?” He looked completely befuddled.

“I am the hostage negotiator you requested.”

“I didn't…”

“Really? Because by law you have to, and I am sure you followed the law.” 

I laced up my gear boots. When I saw the door in question, I pressed myself against it, and said “Frank, it’s Detective L/N I am here to help you.” I took off my vest and was about to put my gun on the ground, when I heard Rafael yell “Y/N what in the hell are you doing?” I turned around to see him sprinting up the stairs.

“My job.” I might be pregnant but he didn’t know that. Either way I could still do my job.

“Mierda cariño, SWAT has this.”

“They need a hostage negotiator.” I said indifferently.

“Isn’t Amanda trained?” He was trying desperately trying to make me stay on this side of the door. 

“Yes, but so am I. So back off and let me do my job.” Without another word I turned back to the door “Ok Frank I am coming in.” As I got into the room I saw that everything was fine, except for the man holding the gun to a frightened girl’s head.

“You have to just trust me ok. We can get through this. I know you want to live.” I said stepping slowly into the room.

“How do you know that? Why don’t I kill you right now?” He leveled his gun on me.

“Because we can get through this and you won’t go to jail for the rest of your life. Is that what you want? How about we let Ana here go, and you and I can talk.” 

I moved closer the the center of the room, “Frank think about this, you don’t want to do this.”

“I want to splatter her brains out. All of these girls. They don’t see me. They don’t get me.”

“Yes, you are thoughtful and polite. You will hold the door open for girls. You won’t treat them badly?”

“I never would pull anything like that sleaze did to Ana. I would have protect her, and how does she thank me? By sleeping with everything that is willing to stick its dick in her.”

“I know, but she is a girl. Real women don’t think like that. I don’t think like that. I know how special you are.”

“What the hell is going on here?” Rafael said, seeing Olivia coming up the stairs. “Why aren’t you doing anything. Liv, come on, she is in there all alone.”

“She is a professional, she knows what she is doing.”

“He’s got the gun on Y/N,” said a sniper over the radio.

“A gun?” Rafael froze, he couldn’t even process this.

“We can’t see her. We’re trying to get another angle.”

“Fast, if anything happens to her I will dedicate my life to ruining yours.” Rafael could not contain his fear. He needed her back alive.

“He wants to be alone with her. She is going to be fine.” Liv was trying to calm him. It wasn’t working.

“I’ll tell you the truth. I wanted to be with those popular guys when I was growing up. They told me that I was special, but they just wanted to use me.” Taking it one step further, and maybe ruining my relationship with Rafael for ever. “I paid the ultimate price, I let one of them knock me up. Now I am stuck with this child Frank! All I wanted was to have a guy like you. I thought he was a nice guy, but he just got me pregnant. He is one of those guys that are nice until things get real, and they leave. I should have waited for someone like you Frank, someone intelligent, sensitive, considerate. I don’t want this to sound wrong, Frank, but I think you’re great. You are the kind of guy that I should be with. You deserve to be adored, to be caressed, to be kissed. Would you let me kiss you? Give me a taste of a real man.”

“He’s lowering the gun.” The sniper yelled over the radio. Rafael couldn’t understand this, she was pregnant? Why hadn’t she told him? Did she really think of him as a bad guy?

“Give her time Rafel, she knows what she is doing.” The woman he loved, who was pregnant with his child, had a gun pointed at her.

“While we’re here, while we’re alone, just let me kiss you. Give me your hands. Show me how a real man would kiss me.” I was right in front of him, I knew it was over, before it happened, I heard the window smash, and I felt blood spatter me in the face. Then I saw Frank’s body fall to the ground.

All Rafael heard was. “Target down, target down, target down.” Without thought he rushed into the room. “Y/N, hey, are you alright?”

“I had him, Rafael he was ready to surrender. I… God damn it.” I crumbled into his arms, smearing him with the blood and tears.

“Come on we have to get you cleaned up.” he said lifting me to my feet, and supporting me out of that nightmare. 

He was wiping the blood of my face in a small precinct bathroom, my first words in hours were “Before you ask, I didn’t mean it. I love you, and I am sorry you had to find out this way.”

“I never believed for a second that you meant any of this” he said feeling the happiness of this moment spreading through him.

“Is it ok that I am scared?” I said wrapping my arms around him.

“We both are, but we can do this you know why? Te amo cariño.”


	12. Lin Manuel Miranda’s Ponytail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “John Jay, James Madison, and Alexander Hamilton. I thought that with the popularity of the musical, people would be more inclined to the history, but I guess all they are interested in is Lin Manuel Miranda’s ponytail.”

“I can’t believe this. This is insane why the hell would you write that… come on.” I said, sitting crosslegged on my couch, making my hundredth edit on this paper. It was obviously this student hadn’t cared. Now I had to grade this bullshit. “God I hate this, come on write one coherent sentence please for the love of God.”

“Hey Y/N,” I heard Rafael say as he closed our apartment door behind him. “What are you doing?”

“Grading,” I said looking around helplessly at the pile of papers scattered all around me.

“Oh I forgot it is that time again?”

“Yes, and it is like these children don’t even care. I mean do they know how valuable my time is? I am a Harvard educated political scientist, and I have to read a paper that contains the sentence “Parties have been around from the 1600s.” Rafael looked incredulous.

“I know, they know. I know I shouldn’t take this so to heart, but I just spent the last 3 months of my life teaching them about politics.”

“Why is this a big deal?”

“America wasn’t a country in the 1600s. There were barely colonies. No thoughts of insurrection, and definitely no thoughts of American parties. It isn’t that I am teaching Intro to PolySci at some third rate community college. I am at Columbia. These kids cannot name me the authors of the federalist papers.”

“I don’t even…”

“John Jay, James Madison, and Alexander Hamilton. I thought that with the popularity of the musical, people would be more inclined to the history, but I guess all they are interested in is Lin Manuel Miranda’s ponytail.”

“Y/N Lin is a friend!”

“Yes and he has the voice of an angel I know, but these papers are part of the foundation of American democracy.”

“You are overreacting.”

“I am reacting the proper amount. What the hell happened to civic education in this country? Constantly priding itself on its own grandeur, but educating its students about this grandeur in detail? No that isn’t a priority. I knew I should have stayed in research. I mean we saw the trend there too, but at least we could turn away and study something else, like electoral politics.” I said rummaging through my papers.

“Are you telling me electoral politics are less depressing that the current state of education?”

“I agree, it can be a bit sad sometimes, but at least I wouldn’t have to put up with this shit. How do we fend of another McCarthy, when there are no Murrows? There is no one speaking truth to stupid.”

“Breathe, it was one paper…”

“But it is indicative of…”

“Shh, I know you care but you cannot allow this to derail you,” he said kissing my shoulder with butterfly kisses. The rest of the night was spent not grading.


	13. Taste You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now rather than studying for my Maritime Law class I was having sex with Rafael Barba (tiny bit of NSFW)

Harvard had always been my dream school. I worked long and hard to get here, and now rather than studying for my Maritime Law class I was having sex with Rafael Barba. 

I felt bad about neglecting my textbooks. Rafael always joked that I thought they were my friends, and in a way he was right. I had grown up in Madison, Wisconsin. Being an only child with two working parents made for a lot of alone time. This I filled with reading everything. 

With my dad being a professor at the University in town, his library was always stocked full of great books. I had read most of the classics before I got to college. I had read The President’s Club, which cemented my need to go to law school and become a public servant. So after a couple of long years, Harvard it was. 

On the first day there I met Rafael Barba, who could not have been more different than me. We hit it off when I shared my notes with him, after he couldn't attend a lecture due to a meeting with the bursar's. From then on it was a teasing relationship, which always bordered on flirting. 

Last night had been the last drop in the friendship bucket and the first drop in we just had sex and now we need to awkwardly talk about it bucket. Waking up in his arms was great though. I didn't have class till midday and so I could relax at least a little. Opening my eyes I met Rafael’s already open ones, he smiled at me kissing me on the nose.

“We should do this again some time, cariño.” Though he made no attempt to leave, rather the opposite. He kissed her on the lips and his hands started wandering all over my naked body. 

“Is this what the cool kids call, round two?”

“We can call it whatever you like cariño,” He kissed down my neck and sucking on the pulse point that had been my downfall last night 

“All I know is, that I want to taste you again.”

“Taste me?”

“Yes, taste you. It was the best I have ever had.” He was smirking.

“I know you have been reading that book by that hack psychiatrist about a cannibal, but I didn't think you would side with the cannibal.” I was a bit afraid and confused.

“Oh wait,” he said trying very hard not to laugh. “You thought... no no no cariño, I want to…” he slid one of his hands down my body and slid one finger smoothly inside what was already a very wet space. 

My breath stuck in my throat. He pulled out his finger bringing it to his lips and sucking it, and smiling he said, “taste you, cariño.”


	14. Lucy Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After that kiss could he stay with Lucy?

After that kiss could he stay with Lucy?

He had been one moment of indiscretion. He wanted to build a life, with Lucy. Yet, when he looked at his future with kids, he knew deep down only you could make him happy. 

He also knew that you didn’t want children. Could you make it? Could he do without kids? These questions had been plaguing him for days, ever since that cursed kiss. You were all types of wrong for him. You worked together, which was strictly against office policy, and probably make you lose your badge after a bad IAB investigation that would tear apart your life.

You were also a lot younger than him, you had said that age was just a number, but snarky he had replied and jail is just a padded room. He now wished desperately that he hadn’t. He always had to run his mouth. 

She had laughed off, but he was worried that she had later let it sink in and now wanted nothing to do with him. She was everything he could want; yet he could not have her. For her own well being, but also what was he going to tell people when they asked why he had such a young son, or if his wife was his daughter?

At the time it had seemed like a small price to pay to be with her, but he knew in the long run he would resent him for this. There was also Lucy to consider. They had been dating about three years and she was waiting for him to pop the question any day now. She had been giving less and less subtle hints every time they were somewhere romantic. So much so that on their last outing he had half expected her to break down and ask him if he was going to ever ask her. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Even though he had unconvincingly asked his mother for his grandmother’s ring. She had refused, saying “that he hadn’t found the one.”

He thought he would never find the one. That the one was for other people, but then she walked into his life, or really ran. 

She had been chasing a subject, who had escaped from a courtroom and she came hurtling by his door just as he was about to leave for the trial exact same trial.

She bumped into him, cursed, picked herself up, and kept running. She hadn’t even looked at him; she went like a tornado through his life. 

It had stayed that way. From the time she had skipped into his office on a day off and told him that they were going picnicking. Or the time she had almost thrown one of his law review books at his head, after he had denied her the last piece of office party cake. She was a force of nature, never really stopping, yet he enjoyed it. There was nothing better in the world than waking up and seeing her hunched over with a notepad already scribbling her mind was always working, and he loved it. He loved her. 

He looked down at the message he had started to type to her and sent it. He half regretted it, but he knew it would be worse if he did nothing.


	15. the second stage of the A-anxiety table of army field manual FM-2251

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m on the dirty bathroom floor of the SVU precinct, yes, and obviously yes. Are you a nurse?”

How could he not have known, it now seemed so obvious to him, so crystal clear, yet he had never noticed it before. 

She had the classic signs, the shaking, the jump at the slightest sound or touch, the need to constantly hold on to something. Yet he had never suspected, which is why seeing her on the floor of the co-ed bathroom surprised him.

Tears were streaming down her face, as she rocked back and forth, and hyperventilating. How could she work in the Sex Crimes division, while having panic attacks? How could she be around those chauvinistic beat cops that constantly made comments about the suits she wore, or her makeup, or anything they deemed too feminine or fragile. 

Yet she came into work on time and always stayed late. When he saw her trying to get up he said “Sit back down cariño.” She ignored his advice and kept trying to get up yet her legs were not cooperating. 

“I’m fine.” I said trying to get up again, but of course but my legs were against me. 

“Sit back down, tell me what’s happening.”

“I just need a minute.”

“I’m going to feel your pulse, okay?” He said reaching for my face. He should not see me in this state.

“You really don’t need to.”

“Shh cariño.” He said feeling my pulse and looking at his watch “I’m going to ask you some questions. Where are you right now? Are you having trouble breathing? Can you hear me?”

“I’m on the dirty bathroom floor of the SVU precinct, yes, and obviously yes. Are you a nurse?”

“During my time at the VA, I defended a lot of guys with panic attacks.”

“I’m going to pass out.” Feeling another bout of nausea crashing over me. 

“It feels like it, but you won’t. You’re in the second stage of the A-anxiety table of army field manual FM-2251 “New Infantry Adaptation to a Threatening Situation.”

“Thank you Private Ryan, but I am in midtown Manhattan, and you are in Bagdad.” I bit back. He ignored the insult.

“Start breathing from your abdomen, cariño. Imagine yourself in a safe place.”

“I wish your face would stop moving so I could punch it.” I really shouldn’t bite the hand that his helping me through this panic attack, but I couldn’t help myself. 

“You’re here. You are safe here, no one will hurt you.”

“I should get back to the interview.” I said making another valiant yet unsuccessful attempt at getting up.

“Olivia’s got the interview, stay put.” He put a hand on my arm.

Smiling at me he continued “If you want to panic about something, I think it’s six to five and pick ‘em this time tomorrow that Mr. Walsh’s legal team will have buried us in paperwork.” After pausing for a minute he continued, “Keep breathing, okay? You’re safe. You’re amazing. I’m going to check your pulse again.

“How is it?”

“Better. A minute ago, it was like you were taking sniper fire.” he said giving my forehead a little kiss.


	16. Jump (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sports bra interesting choice,” he said giving up his assault on my neck just to continue it on my lips. (NSFW)

Gathering my thoughts, I entered the squad room; the team had just been bemoaning the latest cuts to their budget.

“We can not keep getting these kinds of cuts, and be expected to still catch rapists.” Amanda said as I arrived at the conversation, with Rafael replying “these cuts aren’t going to stop rapes, they are just forcing us to be more selective with what we take to trial.”

“Good Morning” I said trying to inject some cheer into the conversation.

“Oh morning YN. You work for the governor. What is with these cuts? You know what it’s like down here, do you really think these cuts are good?”

“I do,” clearly shocking the whole group “I am actually the one who recommended the cuts to the governor.” T

They all looked like they were about to pounce. I think I actually saw a glint in Dodds eyes.

“Before you start attacking me, remember I am an economist. This is my job. I look out for the policies that are inefficient and make them efficient, and it just wasn’t there for the NYPD. Especially because there is so much wasteful spending. Who the hell decided to throw a margarita party on the taxpayer dime, and then have the gall to report it? Or even better the huge amount of money that we spent this year the Newman lawsuit. Just because cops used department funds and time to illegally spy on hot women. By far my favorite is the one where cops used taxpayer money to finance their trips to go Las Vegas, and specifically for lap dances at the local establishments. If that isn’t institutional failure than I don’t know what is. Because if NYPD doesn’t get their act together, more than just money will be cut.” 

My little tirade had stunned them into silence. Rafael was the first to get up, stretching and rotating his stiff joints.

He looked at me and asks, “Walk me out?”

“Sure, I have to head back to the office anyway.”

As soon as the elevator doors closed he started in on me. “How do you expect me to protect victims and potential victims, if your office doesn’t give me the funds?”

“How about the fact that the city has lost over 30 million dollars just on people suing the city of New York for damages, they incurred at the hands of your office, not to mention what the police are doing.”

“But we aren’t all like that.”

“I understand that but you have to look at it from our perspective, we need to present an efficient budget, and we can’t does that when the newspapers are printing every day that you are losing the battle. “

“I am just trying to protect…”

“I understand that but again since we have this aggressive method of taking rape cases to trial, the numbers have only decreased.”

“Because victims are coming forward more often.”

“How are we supposed to measure that? We cannot know if they would have disclosed without the program.”

“I thought you were on the side of those who disclose?” This was not going to end well. 

“Of course I am, but we have to look at with cost benefit analysis, and not personal stories. If we give more money to your trials, we are taking money away from schools in the Bronx, and feed the homeless campaigns. It is all a balancing act.”

We were already in the corridor to his office when he said what he knew would get me upset. “If I can balance my checkbook, why can’t the government balance its budget?“

I turned around to him already pissed off and getting more annoyed by the minute “Mary mother of God am I sick of that insane analogy. Balancing your checkbook is to balancing the budget as driving to the supermarket is to landing on the moon.” He smiled, at me and opened his office door for me I walked in and without warning he closed the door hard behind me, and then he roughly pushed me against the wall. 

It was intoxicating, so much so that I forgot where I was, or that I was on the clock. All that mattered was where his hands and mouth were. Leaving my mouth he started to nip at my neck, leaving what I knew would be bright red spots tomorrow. His hands were on the move from my hips where they had started, they migrated under my blouse.

“Sports bra interesting choice,” he said giving up his assault on my neck just to continue it on my lips.

“Do you really think I am going to wear my best bra to work a 24-hour job in a dingy office where the only food is donuts?” What I left out that I didn’t own any fancy lingerie of any kind. But I forgot about all of that and knitted my hands through his hair. 

Even the amount of product in his hair didn’t bother me I loved the fact that he had such thick hair. He continued to kiss me bringing his hands up to cupped my face for a brief second; I started my own assault by running my hands lightly over the skin of his abs muscles. Feeling my interest he grabbed my butt and said, “jump”.

When I did, he caught me and I wrapped my arms and legs around his body, pulling them us closer together. Me now even closer to him I could feel his ‘interest’ growing. I respond by grinding my hips into his crotch.

“Cariño, are you trying to kill me?”

“Maybe, but I did take an oath to serve the city” I said, but my snark was undercut that I was trying to catch my breath and my flushed face.

He carried me to the desk, and laid me down saying quietly “let us find out what the problem is.” I rolled my eyes. He started kissing down my neck again, but this time he went lower. Now kissing my stomach in meandering patterns. He pulled up my pencil skirt and slowly peeling off my underwear. I had never been so ready in my life I was having sex with Barba, and I had never felt so ready for anything. 

He scraped his teeth along my pubic bone all the way the top of my clitoris, and then he started nipping and sucking, everywhere. I could feel a tightening in my stomach and then he took his and separated my clitoris from its encasing and started to suck and nibble on the inner part of this wonderful organ. 

I couldn’t hold it much longer and hearing him murmur “cum for me Cariño” was the end of end of me I let go and felt bliss. 

I barely noticed him cleaning me up with a tissue. I just lay there on the desk breathing in deeply. After he was done, he gave me a quick kiss, and I could still taste myself on his tongue.

“I thought you had work to do.”


	17. Pecker (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was game, good.

“Hey how are you?” He sounded like he had just gotten of an 8 hour shift, yet I knew he had only been at work for a couple of hours. It must be a tough day.

“Good, how is crime fighting?” I could feel him smile through the phone.

“You make it sound so cool.” I could feel the tiredness oozing out of him. I needed to do something to wake him up,“I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.” (Neruda)

“Are we really doing this?” He sounded surprised, but more awake.

“Hey Liv told me what you said to her. I thought if you enjoyed it then you might in enjoy it now.”

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” (Oscar Wilde) He was game, good.

“I see we are off to the races, lucily I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.” (Dorothy Parker) He loved that quote, since it was one of the first things I had ever said to him.

“Sweet of you though, I Lady, i will touch you with my mind. Touch you and touch and touch until you give me suddenly a smile, shyly obscene.” (ee cummings) He was playing dirty, so I decided since I was at home, all I had to do was just slide my hand down my pants. He was going to have a harder time at the office.

“ee cummings? Nice, but I can do you one better, around the same time period as well. “Please can I have your thighs bare to my eyes, please can I take off your clothes below your chair, please can I kiss your ankles and soul”.” (Gary Snyder)

“You do realize that that isn’t the original quote,” his snarky voice came through the receiver.

Plus, how would my conscience feel if I got off and you didn’t.” I heard him moan through the phone, if his hand hadn’t snaked down to his boxers yet, it sure had now.

“Cariño you are amazing, you know that, you are a vixen. And yet one arrives somehow, finds himself loosening the hooks of her dress in a strange bedroom– feels the autumn dropping its silk and linen leaves about her ankles. The tawdry veined body emerges twisted upon itself like a winter wind.” (William Carlos Williams) I could feel my hand speeding up with every word he spoke.

“Desire to us, Was like a double death, Swift dying, Of our mingled breath, Evaporation, Of an unknown strange perfume, Between us quickly, In a naked, Room.” I heard him groan, he knew that I was close, because the next lines he spoke where in that register he only used when he was very close. 

“And when I left you, I was so on fire, with all your brilliant & ironic humor, that after dinner I was still excited, and sleep refused to touch my eyes with quiet. In bed & totally unstrung by passion, tossing in agony, I prayed for sunrise, when I could be with you in conversation. But when my limbs, exhausted by their labor, lay on the bed in nearly fatal stillness, I made this poem for you, my beloved, so you could take the measure of my sorrow. …”(Catullus)


	18. Barba v. Dodds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey cariño.” He sounded so tired, like all he wanted to do was sleep, something I was sure he had not done in a couple of nights.

“Hey.” I leant against the frame of his office he looked absolutely exhausted. He looked up and saw me, and I saw his eyes soften, and maybe just maybe a couple of his frown lines disappeared. We had met just about six months ago when I transferred to SVU, it was one of those immediate connections, and with our jobs we decided to skip all of that bullshit first date stuff, and just be in a relationship.

“Hey cariño.” He sounded so tired, like all he wanted to do was sleep, something I was sure he had not done in a couple of nights.

“Did they bury you in records again?”

“Yeah, you subpoena one lousy phone record and they send you everyone’s phone logs for the last five years.” He ran his fingers through his hair; the gel was nearly all gone.

“Wow, I did get you something.” He perked up, beckoning me towards him. I walked up to him holding the plastic bag.

“What wonderful thing do you have for me?

“Food from that small Cuban place around the corner.” I smiled, at the mention of Rosa’s he got this childlike smile, as if he could go back to a time where all he had to care about was the smell of that food.

“Oh Y/N you are a…”

“God among men?”

“Yes.” I started to unpack the food, setting everything on plates. I had insisted if we had dinner at the office, we would at least have real plates.

“This is amazing Cariño.”

“Yeah Rosa sends her love, and to tell you to “gather ye rosebuds while ye may.” What are you doing with poem by Robert Herrick?” I plopped down next to him.

“Hey I can like poetry?” He looked mock offended, and I snaked my arms around his neck.

“I am not saying you can’t I just hadn’t pegged for a Herrick guy, I feel like you would more grand romantic gesture, I am thinking Neruda and his ilk.” His hands had grasped my waist and pulled me to his side.

“Well he is the single greatest…”

“I am going to stop you right there, you’re going to tell me that your Neruda beats out my boys Keats and Shelley no way. You may be cute, but I sure as hell not going to let you pull one over on me.” With that I kissed his cheek, he smiled pulling me closer.

“Are we really arguing about romantic poets? You think I am cute?”

“Anything to get you away from the phone records, and of course I do. I wouldn’t be here, after a long night of interviewing vapid family members if I didn’t.”

“I didn’t mean to…”

“You didn’t, it’s fine. I just think sometimes you think I am too good for you, and I want to do everything in my power to show you that is not the case.” I took the next step and sat in his lap, and started kissing his neck. “Can I help you?” I murmured. He tried very hard to steady his voice, but to no avail.

“If you want. Right now I am just trying to figure out when he could have made that phone call?” I sat up and started looking at the files.

“Ok let’s think about this logically.” I felt the hair on the nape of my neck being swept to the side, and a second later I felt his lips in its place. I blushed deeply, as hard as I tried, I could never fluster him, in the way he flustered me.

“Rafael that doesn’t help the logical thinking.” 

“It’s not supposed to cariño, but both you and I need dinner. Quite frankly I thought we both deserve a bit of a break.” I turned around and kissed him.

“Barba…oh detective.” The door had opened without either of us knowing, and Mike had walked in. We sprang apart.

“Detective.” Was the only word I could bring myself to say.

“Counselor, oh I thought we were naming our jobs.” Mike rolled his eyes and motioned for me to follow him to the hallway.

“What the hell, Y/N.”

“What the hell, what?” I was legitimately confused, I thought everyone knew about Barba and me and was just too polite to say anything.

“You and Barba?” Mike and I had known each other since the academy. Watching him having to take a beating because of who his dad was had endeared me to the guy.

“What come on spit it out. I am a big girl, you can tell me.” His demeanor was making me mad, it was his ‘I am about to be really righteous’ manner, and it never went well for him.

“It’s just he’s bad news.” Oh this old chestnut. This had been his argument for every guy; I had dated since we had met. Most of the time he had been right, but not this time.

“Wait we were just in the same room right? I am pretty sure I was just in there with a man who has spent the last 2 weeks fighting tooth and nail with us to get this sleazebag indicted. We had insufficient evidence and he knew it. You know what he did he let us go anyway. He told us that if we gave what we could he would get an indictment. And now that sleaze McNamara has inundated his office with thousands upon thousands of phone logs. He could have interns sorting through them, but no he sent them home to their families, and he is here. So yes I think he is a good guy…” At that the door opened behind me.

“I have a feeling this is about me. If you have an issue with me detective you take it up with me not come in and pull this. Last time I checked this was my office, and you are just a guest in it. So I suggest you either leave, or stop badgering Y/N. Take your pick.” With that Rafael went back into his office. Mike looked at me, and I just shook my head. He knew he had just broken something, that wasn’t going to be put back together so easily.


	19. Night Shift (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Every time you sing to me, and if your question is if I have ever had sex in this hospital, no. Not that I wouldn’t I just never had the time, because you know I am working. It’s a bit like asking if you have had sex at… oh wait we did have sex on your desk. God damn it.”

Hospitals during the graveyard shift were weird. The lights worked and all the equipment hummed as it always did, but there was less activity. Families of those who were sick had left. Patients were usually sleeping. There were fewer doctors and the administrative staff went home. So it was quite a calm place. 

Being put on the graveyard shift, was not great by any means but you wanted your attending to take you on for their coolest surgeries, you better be ready to pull a lot of long nights. While most people slept either or with each other. I sat in the nurses’ station in the ICU and charted. Charting is the paperwork that comes along with being a surgeon. How much of what did you give him? What procedure you had reformed and how. Every little detail was documented so that if the patients died in our care, we wouldn’t be charged. I didn’t even hear him approaching; my brain was attuned to my pager, and to the beeps around me, but not to my boyfriend’s footsteps.

“Cariño”

“Oh Rafael what are you doing here?”

“I couldn't sleep without you” Aww I loved him because of this, he loved so fully. 

“Come on why are you really here, is this one of those things were Liv wants me to call a patient back in to see if she can talk to them into coming forward, because that is pretty unethical.”

“I promise nothing like that I only wanted to see you.”

“What did you bring me?”

“What I didn’t…”

“Come on you brought me food right? Food that doesn't come out of the vending machines here.”

“Of course cariño here” he pulled up a plastic bag.

“Oh Chipotle, thank you God.”

“Rafael is fine.” Oh I was ready to wipe that smirk of his face.

“I am too happy right now to punch you, so count yourself lucky.”

“A friend told me that people actually do have all sorts of sordid affairs in hospitals.”

“That is sadly true everyone is screwing everyone else. Think about it, we work in a very high pressure environment and sometimes you just need to release a bit.”

“You ever feel the need to release?” This was one of those loaded questions; something that he would pass off as a joke, but he meant with true sincerity.

“Every time you sing to me, and if your question is if I have ever had sex in this hospital, no. Not that I wouldn’t I just never had the time, because you know I am working. It’s a bit like asking if you have had sex at… oh wait we did have sex on your desk. God damn it.”

“That is very similar to what you said then…”

“Funny”

“How long you got left?” he asked while leaning on the station.

“About 2 hours, if you want to go home without me.”

“No I had another activity in mind, you did finish your charting?”

“Yeah I did everything i could do tonight.”

“So you are free for the next two hours.”

“I mean I am at work. Are you asking me to have sex with you?”

“Why not?” He was smirking fully now.

“I mean I… ok. Uh, if we can be really quiet and not use a lot of space we have this great closet down the hall. I mean if we are going to fall into all the stereotypes.” Like two horny teenager we ran into the closet. He pushed me against the shelf fool of supplies.

“Oh cariño” he moaned as I ground my hips into him, and heard a small moan. He growled “Está tenso.”

“I spend all day working my ass off, for the ability to maybe get a glimpse of a beating heart. There is a lot of pent up frustration.”

“Well let me help you with that.” Discarding my scrub top and sports bra in one fell swoop. He took my breasts in his hands, they looked so small there, I mean they had never been anything to marvel at but with his large hands… 

As if he could read my thoughts he said brushing his thumb over my nipples simultaneously muttering.

“How are my little soldiers standing proud and tall, you deserve all the attention in the world.” He got onto his knees and took off the rest of my clothes. Then he started blowing on my sex, God he knew exactly how to get me “Rafael dont be a tease.”

“But I am so good at it.” He was so good at looking innocent, when he was anything but.

“True but that oh my god…” His tongue had found my clit, and he started to slowly drag it over and over the sensitive little bud. 

“Cariño, estás tan mojada para mí.” This earned him another round of whimpers.

“Anything for you.” I heard him groan, yes, two could play at this game

I finally pushed his head where I needed it. He took his teeth and started scraping them along my clit. Right when I was about to tip over the edge. He quickly pulled his head out. to grin up at me, with something that looked suspiciously like me on his lips. “Nunca he probado nada tan dulce.”

“Come on don't leave me hanging like this.” I couldn’t help it but let the moans escaped me.

“Oh I would never.” I could feel his tongue back inside, rolling over every little nerve, Drawing what seemed like intricate paintings with his tongue. “Se puede dejar ir ahora.”

I took his advice and did, and it was amazing, he always knew exactly how to hit that perfect spot. After a few minutes of heavy breathing, I recollected myself, and felt myself being kissed again, I smiled into this slower and sweet kiss.

“I'll wait up for you.” He gave me a quick peck. As he started to leave I pulled him back in the closet, giving him another slow sweet kiss, and said, “Thanks for the food and the company.”

Translations

“Está tenso.” - You’re tense

estás tan mojada para mí - you're so wet for me

Nunca he probado nada tan dulce. - I've never tasted anything so sweet.

Se puede dejar ir ahora. - You can let go now.


	20. Study Session (semi-NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He smirked at me, we had had many hours debating the different decisions, most of the time it resulted in hot sex, so we really didn’t mind, and it prepped us for class the next day.

“I can not do this anymore I don’t care I won’t be a lawyer I’ll be a taxi driver.” I was ready to throw this review binder against the wall.

“You want to drive taxis in Boston in the dead of winter?” I knew he was right, but boyfriends are never meant to be right.

“No but then I do not have to take the bar.” I defended myself.

“Come on you love studying, cariño?” He wrapped his arms around me and pressed a kiss on my temple.

“No I love learning and retaining this information, but this is just memorization, no one should have to put through this. I mean if you estimate the number of people that have passed the bar, you have to at least account for some of them being serious criminals, and I didn’t think you want to associate with them.” I knew I was being pouty, but I also knew that Rafael loved it.

“YN come on.”

“No, precedent can go fuck itself. I mean I get the concept, but this selective incorporation is a piece of bullshit, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.” I was now getting just a bit insane. I felt his hands rubbing circles on my back.

“Is that the argument you are going to present when you interview to clerk at Justice Ginsberg’s office?”

“Oh that old bat?” Now he knew I was pouting, I never would say anything about a sitting supreme court judge, especially one who has survived cancer at her age. 

“Let us speak of her with some respect.”

“I know and her stance on most things is great.”

“Except when she is being really liberal?” He smirked at me, we had had many hours debating the different decisions, most of the time it resulted in hot sex, so we really didn’t mind, and it prepped us for class the next day. 

“I could incentivize you to study, how about for every question you get right I’ll take of a piece of clothes and for every one you get wrong you take one off.”

“But what if I want to take my clothes off?”

“You see there is the catch, you are way too competitive to lose on purpose.”

“You know me too well,” I said laughing.

“Ready?”

“Born that way.”

“Do artistic painters have to authenticate their paintings when they are being used by a witness to illustrate testimony for the jury?”

“No because authentication by someone who can verify the title, subject, and background of the painting would be sufficient. It does not have to be the original artist. Similar to the authentication process for photographs. More detail would be forthcoming in some instances, and less would be needed in others, depending on the evidentiary use of the item.”

“Is that word for word from the book?”

“I only said I was bored of studying, not that I hadn’t studied, and well now I will win, and see you naked.”

“Oh come on you played me.” He looked shocked and proud at the same time.

“Come on one piece of clothing.” He threw one of his socks at me, and continued the questioning.

“Trespasser was on trial for illegally entering owner’s property and stealing a car. Witness only knows about the type of car stolen as an auto dealer, with no connection to the crime, and is testifying for the prosecution. The defense asks witness “isn’t it possible that trespasser did not steal the car, and that you yourself stole the car?” Can the defense ask this question?”

“No, it is speculation. Questions raised on cross examination must relate to evidence or information already on the record. Leading questions are acceptable, but random questions that do not relate to the case, or are speculative, are not allowed.”

“Oh come on…”

“Yep, that would be page 345 of Criminal Justice Theory.” 

“You are insane…” He was realizing that just getting me to strip was going to be harder than he thought.

“Dont hate the player, you invented this game and strip, and it can’t be just another sock. He grumbled but took of his Harvard sweatshirt, and revealed was one of my favorites his white t shirt. Taking a second, “How about an update on the rules?”

“Sure, what do you propose?” Maybe I was getting a little bit too cocky.

“If I get this next question right you take off your hoodie.”

“Ok, if you want to play that way fine.” Yep I was way over my head on this one.

“When can a private citizen make a private arrest and safely avoid a claim of false imprisonment or other violation of individual rights?”

“A citizen’s arrest is valid If the person observes a felony occurring in his or her presence.”

“Damn.” I pulled off my hoodie showing off my sheer tank top. It went like this for a while till both of us were wearing the bare essentials. For him that was boxers and his white t shirt, for me just bra and underwear. Without warning, he gave me a quick kiss before he said “Ok we are down to the last ones, so give it to me.”

“An elderly woman was mugged and robbed on a public street. At the time of the offense, the victim only saw her assailant’s eyes. A hooded sweatshirt and bandana concealed the rest of his face. A few days later, while the victim waited to be interviewed, she observed the defendant being escorted through the courthouse, in jail clothing, and restrained by handcuffs and leg irons. She identified him as the perpetrator shortly thereafter. Will the court allow that identification into evidence?”

“No, because it is not reliable enough and there was too much suggestion to make a reasonably accurate identification.”

“Ok if you want to do the honors.” I knew in the end he would win, so I turned around but he grasped my hips and pulled me in between his outstretched legs.

“Hey,” but I was cut short because his hands were on my breasts. I never knew if his hands were too big or my boobs too small. Either way he could cover them fully with his hands. I giggled and tilted my head back and kissed him. He responded eagerly kneading my breasts at the same time. I started giving off little moans, to retaliate I reach farther and started nipping his ear, which caused him to stop kneading but just holding me, he turned to me and with his signature smirk said “Well Carino you brought this on yourself.”  
“What?”

He made quick work of my bra, and one hand stayed on them tweaking the nipple every now and again eliciting a little squeak every time he pulled a little harder. The other started to wander down my body. Drawing different signs everywhere there was a particular sensitive nerve ending.

“Rafael what happened to studying?” I tried to save me from what was sure to be an evening of a lot of pleasure but no studying.

“Someone broke my concentration.” His lips went to my neck, which increased the heat that was already pooling between my legs. Then suddenly he removed his hands and mouth and moved me back to my original position.

“What the hell I thought we were enjoying that?”

“Oh I was, but you have technically another question to answer.” Oh he was smirking again this never meant anything good. 

“But under the current rules…”

“Yes under the current rules, if you answer correctly we stop everything.”

“So I would…”

“Yes if you want to continue what we just started you need to answer a question wrong. So when may an oral agreement for the purchase of personal property valued at more than $500 be enforced and not subject to being voided by application of the statute of frauds?”

“It can can never be enforced.” I choked out.

“And that is wrong because?” He was full out smiling like a kid that had just won his first chess match.

“Because when a contract generally requires writing due to the Statute of Frauds, once there is full or substantial performance by both sides, the court will allow evidence of that performance in order to enforce the terms of the contract.” Taking a deep breath and steadying my voice I added, “Now come and help me finish. We wouldn’t want all of this studying to go to waste.”

“Oh mí vida, I would never not help you finish.”


	21. Any Other Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yes, you are pregnant. So how are you feeling?”

This had never been my plan. I was supposed to wait. It wasn’t time yet. Did I even want them, and with him? I mean I knew each other and had flirted, but nothing to this extent. 

A year ago was the first time I had had sex with Rafael Barba. It had been great, and we had been doing it ever since. We had been so careful. I had an IUD, he had worn protection every time, but no. Those two pink lines showed that it had all been for naught. 

I didn’t know anything about having a baby. The sex was just supposed to relieve the stress of studying for the bar. It was just supposed to be fun, but now it was real.

I had always known actions had consequences, but I never thought that it would be. I had to tell him. There was no way out of this. I mean I could… but there wasn’t any reason to, and I knew I would regret it. I knew that I was in the right place to have a baby, financially, and mostly emotionally. I had the room in my apartment in New York. 

Even though I had studied in Massachusetts, I had gotten an offer to work at Skadden. I was taking the New York State Bar, and so was Barba. Even though he had nothing, he was coming out of law school with no debt, which was unheard of, with his scholarship and his various awards, he had gotten his debt paid, before even leaving Cambridge. 

He was off to Gage Whitney, but I knew his true passion was to work for the D.A.’s office. The only thing we didn’t plan on was being together, and having a child.

“YN, YN” Rafael snapped me out of my daze. 

“Oh sorry Rafael.”

“Daydreaming about your upcoming courtroom days?”

“Not really, could I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure, but we need to move, we might be graduating with honors from Harvard, but Madam Pike doesn’t take that into account when she takes people’s library privileges away.”

“Ok, come meet me in my favorite section.”

“I still don’t get how I can love constitutional law.”

“It is a great subject of great importance, and Skadden is going to help me one day argue in front of the Supreme Court, so back off.”

“You didn’t want me to back off last night,” I rolled my eyes at him, ignoring me he asked.

“How are you not excited? We are graduating; no more term papers, no more meaningless jobs, and no more boring hypothetical cases. We are starting our true careers soon.”

“Let us first pass the bar eh? Look I am, it’s just… I am just going to come out and say it. I just need you not to react when I do. Give me a second to compose myself, before I see your reaction.”

“Ok...”

“I am pregnant,” and it was out. He knew, I couldn’t take it back. I saw his eyes widen and his mouth open but no sounds came out.

“I have finally made Rafael Barba speechless. I want to go shout it from the rooftops.” 

“You are…?”

“Yes.”

“I am…?”

“Yes.”

“Mierda.” He ran his hand through his hair. Even though he still looked totally shocked, he started to smile. He then surprised me by asking me. “How are you?”

“What?” Now I was the one that was confused.

“How are you feeling?”

“Feeling?” This was insane, why did he care?

“Yes, you are pregnant. So how are you feeling?”

“You care?”

“Of course, you are pregnant with my child.”

“Yeah, but I thought you would run, or scream, or not care.”

“How could I do any of that? You are doing the heavy lifting, and I came here to tell I that I love you.”

“We have been having sex for a year. Not really the basis for a loving relationship. I mean I guess, we kind of where… it was never just sex.”

“That is what I am saying, cariño” he whispered and then leaned down to kiss me, with one hand on my stomach.

– 4 Years Later –

“Catalina get down from there,” Rafael shouted from the kitchen.

“Why?” she said sweetly. Why was her new favorite word. I smiled; she was her father’s daughter.

“Come on amorcita we need to go.” He walked in with plate of Arroz con Pollo.

“Why?”

“Because Aunt Liv finally gets to take Noah home today.”

“Noah?” she always perked up, Noah was her favorite. Then she got giddy, “Can I hold him?”

“Only if you are very gentle.” He lifted her from her precarious spot on the back of the sofa. 

“Te amo papí.” She kissed his cheek, and he smiled, the same smile he had worn, when I had told him that I was pregnant.

“Te amo también amorcita.” He said kissing her her hair. With that she bounced off, most likely to practice holding a baby.

“You brought this on yourself,” I said from my very comfortable chair, as I put down the latest brief for Texas v. New York, which started on Monday. 

“What getting you pregnant?” He sauntered over to her. 

“No, you taught her the snark.”

“Cariño, you are just as much a smartass as she is.”

“Sure, but she is Papí’s little girl.”

“And, I wouldn’t have it any other way, cariño.” He leant down, and kissed me, with the same passion as he had that day in the library.


	22. A bottle of Bucanero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had whispered this as if not to alert anyone to the pain he was feeling.

“Hey can I join you?” I had found Rafael Barba sititing at the bar looking more morose than usual. 

“Sure.” He sure was monotone today.

“Could I get a vodka cranberry please?” The bartender went right to it. 

Rafael looked at me and asked “YN what are you doing here?”

“I saw you drinking alone, and I couldn’t allow it.” He had seemed so sad, so broken.

“I asked what are you doing here?” Barba was good, he knew exactly that I was trying to avoid the question, but I decided he could know.

“I had a date, but honestly I would rather be here with you.”

“I ruined you date.” Now he seemed sadder than before, as if he had spread his misery, and was sorry for it.

“No, he was a dud. It was one of Sonny’s friends from Fordham and you know how I am allergic to second-rate law schools,” 

This got a small smile from him. Rafael and I had met at Harvard; he had been a senior and I a freshman. We weren’t close but we were friendly enough, and when I beat him at the annual mock trial, we became friends. 

“So why are you drinking alone, bad day?” I wasn’t going to let him mope by himself. He didn’t answer, so I tried to lighten the mood. “What Rafael Barba has no quip, or a bad story about some dumb ass intern?”

“No it wasn’t an intern.” He had whispered this as if not to alert anyone to the pain he was feeling.

“Oh, want to talk about it?”

“Not at all.” He returned to his drink, but I couldn’t just let him sit there.

“Than we shall sit here and drink in stoic silence.” He looked at me dubiously.

“I am giving you space.” I could see that his dubiousity wasn’t going anywhere. “I want to make sure you are ok.”

“Look there was a kid today; his dad knocked him and his mother from room to room. The mother finally got the courage to come in, and forced the kid to come with him. The kid didn’t want to testify against his father, he defended him. Saying that it was his fault and how he had set him off. He blamed the alcohol, the gambling, everyone but his father. It got to me.”

“Why?”

“Because it is a horrible story.” I knew it wasn’t that simple.

“True, but you have seen worse, and they never put you in a state where you are sitting in this bar alone. So with was so special about this boy, what got to you?”

“Nothing.” I had the same dubious look on my face he had just had, and so he explained. “I was him, a little boy defending his father, because he was scared that if he didn’t he would hit him again. I thought the pain that I felt when he hit me was normal, and complaining about it made me seem like a girl. I know completely flawed logic, but…” I cut him off

“He hit your mother?”

“Yes.”

“You have two sisters. He hit them, right?”

“Look, he didn’t hit anybody once I was old enough to hit him back.” He looked more broken than before, I had never seen him this vulnerable, or scared. 

“And when was that? Rafael, how old were you when you had to protect your mother, and your two little sisters from a grown man, who was drunk and violent?”

“Fifth grade, I cracked a bottle of Bucanero across his face.”

“You were ten years old when you needed to go up against your father, a violent alcoholic.”

“I should have… that little boy.” He blamed himself that is why he was here; he was so empathetic to this kid’s pain, that it made him relive his own past. 

“I get it, but it isn’t your fault ok? What happened to you, and what happened to that boy are completely separate. I know you are scared that when you look in the mirror you’re going to see your father. You won’t; you know how I know? Because you are here and worrying about it. I see the way you are with victims, you sympathize and you listen. You may not always show it but you are a man of emotions, a man that when he loves, he loves full heartedly. I will make you a promise, right here and right now. That if you ever even step a toe into your father’s direction, I will stop you, and I will make sure you never do it again.”

He looked a little better now a bit of color coming back to his face, he seemed somewhat relieved, as if a tiny burden had been lifted.

“Thank you.”


	23. Formality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had been on my way to my last checkup before I was supposed to give birth, and on the train I felt my water break.

We had never meant to meet, it had been a weird situation. I had been on my way to my last checkup before I was supposed to give birth, and on the train I felt my water break. 

Most people turned away and pretended not to see the woman giving birth to twins, but not Rafael Barba. He had been on his way to opening arguments but he ignored all of that and helped me. Without him I would have never made it to the hospital, but he was there holding my hand. 

He was there in the elevator, in the delivery room, and even in the after care unit. He had stayed, no questions. When I woke up I saw him holding one of the girls, it looked right. We had never met, he was a complete stranger, but he looked perfect holding my baby.

“Hey how are you?” He had looked up from the sleeping baby.

“I am fine I guess how are they?”

“Perfect.” He smiled and even though I was in nine kinds of pain, but none of that mattered, because my girls were ok. 

“You didn’t have to stay.” I leant over and looked at the other girl just as perfect as the first one. 

“I did I had to make sure you were ok” He looked back up at me and smiled.

“Thank you, I don’t think anyone else would have done that.” He just continued to smile. just smile, realizing we didn’t even know each other’s names I said, “I am Emily by the way.”

“Rafael.”

—4 years later—

“Ready girls?” I said, as I helped them put on their coats.

“Yes mami,” they chorused. Looking over to Rafael, who hadn’t left my side since that fateful day on the train, smiled tiredly, he had been on early morning girls duty and it showed, but he looked at peace.

“Ready?”

“With the three of you? Always.” 

“Papi Papi pick me up,” both girls shouted.

“Ok niñas, but you have to behave at the courthouse.” 

“We promise,” it came from the girls. Walking up the place where we both had spent so much was weird because for once we weren’t here for a horrific crime but for a wonderful occasion, it was as if we had had our wedding at the courthouse. As we climbed the stairs, I whispered to him, “You sign this and we really become your ball and chain.”

“I have never been more eager to sign anything in my life.”

We had done most of the paperwork and the judge who was an elderly lady asked the girls, “So girls, are you ready to have Rafael Barba be your dad?”

“Papí? He is already our father,” Marina said, with confidence only little girls had.

“Yeah, this is… what did you call it mami?” Elise asked.

“A formality,” Rafael swept up his girls, and kissed them and as I looked at them, I knew it; no piece of paper could ever match what the girls had just said.


	24. Strip Poker (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We had spent the last year using each other as… stress balls.

My dissertation was finally done. 

I had spent what felt like years working on it. Perfecting it, but It was finally done my master thesis was complete no more of that bullshit. I knew that when I started my doctorate program next fall that I was going to have to write a PhD dissertation but for now this was good enough. 

As I was packing to move out of my apartment for the summer, I thought about the one last loose string I had to tie up. Rafael Barba. 

He was going to be a Harvard educated lawyer the second he passed the bar, which I knew he would. We had spent the last year using each other as… stress balls. 

We had just fallen into a pattern after a hard day of studying and researching we would go have dinner in the cafeteria and then go back to one of the dorms and fucked.

“YN.” I heard from the door, think of the devil.

“In here.”

“Need help?”

“Not really most of this is just going into storage for the summer. Plus there is a chart, and you’ll screw with that.” Not heeding my warning, he started picking up things, and of course he discovered the half wrapped poker set.

“Hey you play poker?”

“No they gave them to us as a graduation present for being on the dean’s list, which was a bit weird but I can’t play, so if you want…”

“You want me to teach you?”

“Ok whatever you say, Barba.”

“So play with me.”

“Sure, but I don’t have any money.”

“We don’t have to play for money. How about for clothes?”

“You want my red dress? I know you loved it, but I thought you liked it better on your floor.”

“It’s called strip poker so…”

“When I lose I strip and when you lose you strip, I have basic logic and have seen a movie.” We dove right in, and I picked up the game pretty quickly and beginner’s luck was my friend. 

“Ha I win, right?”

“Yep.” So he stood up and unzipped his Harvard hoodie, the only Harvard thing he owned. I think it was partly because he did not want to flaunt that he went here, back home. 

Under his hoodie was his customary white t-shirt, but what caught my eye weren’t the shirt but the little glint that his necklace had thrown off. The only thing he had kept in his wardrobe when he had arrived. 

After a few rounds he finally wins, and just to wind him up all I do is take the hair tie out of my hair. He gives me a dirty look but doesn’t say anything. Probably because he thinks he can win again and he does. I thought for a second and trying not to lead him on I stood up and removed my sweatpants revealing my lacy boy shorts, but before I could explain, that I only wore them and the matching bra because every other piece of clothing I owned was already packed away, my phone rang. 

I jumped up; it was the dean of the college. Who was calling with a great opportunity about some sort of statistical modeling. I desperately wanted to pay attention, but Rafael came up behind me and started playing with the hem of my boy shorts and pressing his face into my neck. 

I do not think I have ever ended a conversation faster. I made a note to send the dean some sort of apology basket later, but that note was thrown out the window the second his arms started to snake around me. “Stop this is not fair, this man holds my career in his hand.” Rafael started kissing my neck.

“Nothing is in love and war, cariño.”

“Do not bring John Lyly into this!” I turned around and play hit him the chest on his chest, his arms tightened around me.

“I love how you don’t know how to play poker, but you know who John Lyly is.” That smug grin needed to be wiped off his face. As a surprise I kissed him. It did the trick, but it also encouraged him to put his hands on my ass.

“Hey I thought we were playing poker?”

“That ended the second you decided to wear those boy shorts.”

I smiled, and kissed him again, running my hands through his hair. Without another world I led him to my bedroom. Luckily the storage guys hadn’t come to pick up my mattress yet. I pulled him toward me by his chain, and pecked his lips. He took me by the hips and started to grind into them. I had to give him that he knew exactly what he wanted, and how to get it.

“Please,” I whined.

“Oh dulzerita.” Then he kissed me again, this time not wasting any time and just pulling off my underwear, and plunging two fingers inside, as if he knew he would find it already wet for him. I started mewling and he just smiled sadistically. He knew what he did to me, and he decided to use that. He started slowly moving them in and out, and using his thumb to play with my clit. A small “Oh,” escaped me. 

“Ahh not yet Cariño, you can’t be that fast.”

“Now whose fault is that?”

“Oh I am perfectly happy taking the credit for making you cum fast.”

“Well then get to it.” He stood up, slowly took of his boxers. He had lost the rest in the poker game. 

Without another word he was inside of me. He waited for me to adjust, but then didn’t move. I urged him on, but still nothing. He just pretended to busy kissing me to remember that it was his time to move.

“Rafael this isn’t fair.” I needed the friction.

“What isn’t mí vida?” He looked like the cat that ate the canary.

“You can’t just I need you to…” I was getting dangerously close, but both us knew I needed him to push me over the edge. 

“Need me how?

“I need you to fuck me”

“Of course cariño anything for you,” and then he started to move and, that delicious friction set off every nerve inside me, and when he hit that wonderful little bunch of nerves, I lost it, and he wasn’t far behind. 

After we finished, I sat up and looked into my mirror, I was a mess, yet Rafael looked the same. Yes, he was only wearing his white shirt, and his hair was a bit messy, but all in all, collected.

“How do you that?” I pulled my legs closer to me.

“What?” he sat up with me looking genuinely concerned. 

“Look all put together, and I am just a mess.” He smiled, pulled me close, and kissed my shoulder.

“I have no idea, but if it is any consolation you look amazing thoroughly fucked.”


	25. Commander Doyle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gathering what I could only imagine was all of his courage; he got out of the door and knocked on the door. Of course Dad was the one who opened the door, I could not have been surprised had he been waiting for us just behind it.

“Come on it is going to be fine, he is going to like you,” I said as we were driving up to my parent’s house. 

“Iffy.”

“We are going together, and he won't eat you in front of his daughter.”

“Your dad is…”

“Yes, so what?” I pulled in front of my parents home. 

“He was the Commander of the US Armed Forces in Europe!” Rafael looked generally scared, so I put my hand to his face.

“So what for me he is just dad, and for you it is just Mr. Doyle.” I was straightening his collar, which had gotten a little rumpled in the ride.

“You mean Commander Doyle, sir?”

“Well if you wanted to call me sir.” He ignored my playfulness which was out of character for him.

“Cariño I can't. What if he doesn't like me?”

“It won't change how I feel about you.” I pecked him on the lips and started getting out of the car but he held me back.

“I wanted to enlist but Harvard gave me a scholarship…” He still looked like a kid being called to the principal's office.

“Aww, you think he wouldn't respect you because you didn't serve.” This was too cute; Rafael Barba the man with too much bravado, was scared shitless. 

“He won't care, he just cares about the kind of man you are, and he just needs to make sure that you are taking care of me. I know it is bullshit, but it's his paternity, and I promise you, you will be fine. Plus you can hold your bourbon and you play a mean round of gin.”

Gathering what I could only imagine was all of his courage; he got out of the door and knocked on the door. Of course Dad was the one who opened the door, I could not have been surprised had he been waiting for us just behind it.

“Commander Doyle.” Rafael had somehow managed to suppress the fear that had been in his voice, moments ago. 

“Mr. Barba, nice to meet you son.” He beckoned us inside.

“Thank you for having me sir.” He stepped into the house, and his mouth dropped, it was like he had been transported to a southern mansion. 

“Ahh call me Phil.”

“No sir, I will not.”

“Very good you have passed the first test.”

“Test sir?”

“Yes I like to be upfront with men who are sleeping with my daughter. I think it cuts through a lot of the bullshit.”

“Yes sir.” Dad led us into what Momma lovingly called the sunroom.

“Oh hi Rafael, I am Madeline welcome to our home.” My mom swept into the room with her normal southern hospitality, and right away embraced Rafael. “I tried to transport a bit of Georgia up here, ever since your dad retired and started teaching at West Point, I had to make peace with being married to a northeastern man, and not the young rogue officer I had fallen in love with all those years ago, Ahh what was his name again?” Momma smiled, this was their relationship, unrelenting jabs and even more unrelenting love. 

“Of course darling, I had to be with my men and you and Bell got to see the world I thought it was a good deal.” Turning to Rafael he asked, “So where have you traveled son?”

“Only ever to Spain.”

“What no other travels? A Harvard kid like you, should have the whole world under his belt” Rafael started to look panicked, he usually got a couple more minutes before he had to bear his life story to people, but dad was anything but normal.

His propensity towards no bullshit, made him beloved by his men, but it also had chased way every boy I had ever brought home, and I was starting to think he wanted it that way. Sadly Dad kept up his barrage.

“Why have you not traveled more? Is some sort of court order keeping you, have you committed crimes and you do not want to be extradited?”

“No sir.”

“You better tell me boy.”

“Look I didn't have resources, I was at Harvard on scholarship from the Bronx, and every cent I had went into my studies.” Rafael had had enough; this wasn't the first time he had been questioned about his education.

“Look I am...”

“No need to apologize, sir.” Rafael looked completely embarrassed.

“No I do, a man must own his feelings so I am sorry for assuming, where would you like to go?”

“Honestly, wherever Y/N wants.”

“How about we move to the garden for lunch.” My mother called from the kitchen, and we followed suit.

\---A couple of hours and glasses of bourbon later---

“You know with Madeline, I am punching way above my weight class.” My dad had really taken Rafael into his heart. He could be a bit rough around the edges, but once you had passed his test, there was nothing he would not do for you. None of my other boyfriends had gotten this far.

“So am I, I mean Y/N is the best thing that has ever happened to me, every time she…”

“You are walking into dangerous territory, boy. I should have locked her up in a dungeon while I had a chance."

“With all due respect sir I don't think you have a dungeon.”

“Don’t you think I could have built one?”

“No of course you could have, sir.”


	26. Rafael v. Barba

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, cariño, we can do anything you want.” God he was good.

Fucking my boss before I even started working for him had never been part of the plan. In my defense when I met him he was just Rafael. The cute guy at the bar who looked like he had had a tough day.

It turned out he was more than mildly interesting we talked for most of the night and enjoying the night together. This morning it had been quick but awkward.

He had said “this is…uh…”

“… humiliating on every levels. You need to go.”

“Why, why don’t you just come back down here and we’ll pick up where we left off.” 

“No seriously you have to go. I’m late which is the worst on your first day of work, and we don’t have to do the thing.”

“Oh, cariño, we can do anything you want.” God he was good. 

“No the thing. Exchange the phone numbers, and pretend we care. Look I’m going to go upstairs and get ready. Okay, and when I get back down here, you won’t be here. So … um … goodbye”

I knew I could be a bit cold, but I had to get to work, it was my first day at the DA’s office and everyone who knew anything about working in politics knew that having a couple of years under your belt working at a prominent DA’s office would do wonders on a resume.

When I walked in this morning I hadn’t connected ADA Barba with Rafael the guy from the bar last night, but that became abundantly clear, when I walked into his office. He barely looks up from his paperwork, but when he does his eyes go wide.

I do not know what propelled me to do it but I started walking to the door, not like I had to work with this man for the next couple of years. He stopped me right before I reached the door.

“Look Mr. Barba I was just leaving.”

“Mr. Barba? This morning it was Rafael.”

“We should pretend it never happened.”

“What never happened, Cariño? You and I having sex last night? Or me being thrown out this morning?” He takes a second to smirk at me and then continues, “Because both are wonderful memories I’d like to hold onto.” I needed to stop this straight in its tracks.

I could not be that girl on the first day in the office, or any other day, and he was making it extra hard with that wonderfully tailored suit.

“No. There will be no memories. We are no longer in that bar, this cannot be a thing. Understand?” Yet he kept smirking, and giving me the same look that had made me take him home last night. “Stop looking at me like you’ve seen me naked. Has that ever occurred to you that this is completely inappropriate, and much more importantly could ruin my career, I will just be that girl who slept with her boss on the first day. No more she went to Yale law or she was a Rhodes Scholar… ?”

“You went to Yale?”

“So what? It is the best law school in the country.”

“No, it’s just funny I went to Harvard.”

“Oh you went to that school where anyone can get a law degree. Now I am the office slut and it was with a guy who went to Harvard. God, I am going to need a shower and a couple shots of vodka.”

“I can not get you a shower or vodka, but I have a wonderful Bourbon here.”

“Anything that will help me forget the last twenty four hours.”

“I personally think that at least some of those hours were pleasurable.”

“Oh shut up.”

— Three Months Later —

“Objection your Honor, the Defense is just trying to rub dirt on my client, in hopes that theirs looks cleaner by comparison.” 

I could see Rafael smile. It was halfway between a smirk and a genuine I-am-so-proud-of-you smile. It had taken months for me even to be ready to be his second chair. I always had done well in academics, but when it came to actual courtroom defense. It had take me months of encouragement and practice, to even get to a point where I could step into a courtroom without having a panic attack. 

Rafael had handled all of it with such care and charm. Though I had my reservations in the beginning we kept being together. After we got out of court, and back into the safety of his office, he pulled me close and kissed my forehead.

“You did amazing up there today cariño,” I was getting a bit teary-eyed and so I just kissed him hoping that would convey all the gratitude and love I had for him for everything he had done for me.


	27. Conga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Now I know how to get you to go to events, cumberbuns.”

image  
I need more requests, so put them here.

“What fresh hell is this?” I looked in horror at Rafael as the band struck up a new cord. 

“Y/N it’s a wedding. Conga is part of tradition.”

“A wedding where I have been kissed and hugged more than I did my entire childhood.”

“My family is affectionate…” He looked apologetic, but still excited to dance.

“Yeah, but this is a bit excessive.” 

The whole day had been an outpour of emotion, which is expected at a wedding, I was just not used to it. Rafael’s family had been more than welcoming; I had just met most of them, and had been included in everything from the actual bridal party to desert testing. It was all a bit alien to me. 

“They are excited to meet you.”

“Yeah that’s what scares me, they are all already talking about me behind my back.”

“All good things.” He was so cute trying to reassure me, I hadn’t wanted to come. This was not my speed, all the big dresses and the attention. 

“Probably, and even if there was negative they wouldn’t tell you now would they. This is just a big step that’s all.”

“Te amo.” He pulled me close, it was funny I could be in such a foreign environment, but the second he wrapped his arms around me I felt at home.

“I love you too, otherwise I would not be here. Plus, you look hot in a cumberbun.”

“Now I know how to get you to go to events, cumberbuns.” He was smiling again, this was not a new phenomenon. I had always been shy, while Rafael had always been outspoken. I would rather be sitting at home in my worn out college sweater debating about the Brady rule than anywhere near a champagne tower.

“I can’t dance especially not conga.”

“It’s not about being able, it’s about having fun.”

“Oh come on, you can have fun and look good doing it.”

“If that is your criteria you always win.” Smooth, but not smooth enough. 

“Flattering me into dancing is not going to…” He had pulled me unceremoniously onto the dance floor, and just started leading.

“Uff. Come on we look ridiculous.”

“Compared to whom?” he was genuinely amused by my discomfort.

“Those two.” I nodded over to the couple that had been the life of the dance floor all night, and they weren’t even the married couple.

“You have been comparing yourself to her all night.” He wasn’t wrong, I had been, but for good reason. Who was I compared to her?

“Why do you think I have been doing that?”

“I don't… Oh Y/N come on we dated for…” I cut him off.

“Three years.” 

“So what, that years ago cariño.”

“Studies have shown…”

“Mierda cariño, I love you.”

“I know it’s all in my head, but that doesn’t make it any less real.” I hated that I felt like this. 

The joke was I was confident in the fact that he loved me, I just wasn’t confident in me. I heard that the music had slowed considerably, and a deep male voice had started to sing. “Wait the music, is that…” 

“Yeah I thought you might enjoy some Elvis.” I looked up at him, and smiled, I could stay here with him forever. I put my head to his chest, I could feel his heartbeat on my chest, and knew mine was in step.


	28. You Feckless Thug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael came up behind me and said, “I am here for you whatever you need. We could watch old tapes of speeches and eat junk food.”

I stood in the middle of the cathedral, and I couldn't move. It all went too slow. It was like some cruel joke of the universe making her live through all this. Yet I felt nothing, I was just numb. 

Rafael came up behind me and said, “I am here for you whatever you need. We could watch old tapes of speeches and eat junk food.”

“Thank you, but I have to get back to work after the service” I said as he wrapped his arms around me.

“Wait you're still working? I think everyone would understand if you…” he said but I cut him off.

“No it’s not that, I need to work I need to be done otherwise I can’t I can…” My phone vibrating cut me off. I picked up and heard the voice of my boss and I answered him by saying. “Yes, of course no problem sir right away I’ll be on the next flight down.” Rafael looked

“YN are you serious you worked…” but I cut him off again. 

“Yeah but the world doesn't stop turning just because someone died. Countries are still going to cause tensions, people will still start wars and promote violence, so i am sorry that the world doesn't stop on her account, even if we wished it so”

“But Y/N I think the Secretary would understand, if you want to take time to grieve.”

“I don't want him to have to.” I said playing with my cross. I kissed him, making sure to give it a bit more. To show that I did really did appreciate his support, and that he had not pressured me to talking about it. I hope i could convey all of that with the kiss, since I still did not have the words for.

“Y/N before you go I wanted to remind you of something.” I turned back saying

“Yes.”

“You know what she would have said had you told her you were flying back today? She would have laughed and said “Y/N I know you love your job, but it has brainwashed into a government drone, where is your pride? I love you, but working for one of those inefficient system come on we did not send you to law school so you could become a measly political analyst. You are a proud Republican, but you are working for a disgraced Democrat”. You know what you would have said, “brainwashing is fun.” You know she was very proud of you, even if you were working for a democrat.” I smiled a bit at that memory remembering all the items she had ranted about.

“How she used have this perfect debutante, and how that all changed when she met a lily livered liberal who works for the DA's office in New York City, which plainly means that it is all your fault.”

“Cariño,” he said pulling me a bit tighter “She really would have been proud of you. You were the apple of her eye her pride and joy.” 

“Thank you Papi.” i said pecking him again turning away again, but i only got halfway there when he pulled me into another comforting hug whispering into my ear “Cariño you are gonna want to cry if not now in a couple of hours call me ok don't keep it all bottled up inside.”

The second he was gone, I felt completely alone. I just needed some quiet and so rather than going to my hotel room or getting a flight back i stayed in the Cathedral. 

Yet rather than the usual calm that washed over me when entered the house of the Lord, it was just more anger wasn't he supposed to help in our divine path? Isn't that what she believed in?

As I looked at the giant crucifix mounted over the altar and that sanctimonious look on his face like “Here I am sacrificing everything I had, why are you so sad? I had nails put through my hands? Why are you complaining?”

Now the rage boiled over and i started into the tirade that I had boiling in my heart all day.

“You're a son of a bitch, you know that? I think you're just vindictive.” I then started to yell “Gratias tibi ago, domine. (I give thanks to thee, Lord.) Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? We have brokered peace deals, and saved millions of lives with quick intervention. I have finally found love.” 

Then I started to plead “That's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse?" I was defeated. I turned around, and in the last pew sat the man i loved.

“Rafael what's wrong? Did something else happen, is Olivia ok?”

“No one is hurt Cariño.” I breathed a sigh of relief “I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”


	29. GSW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The seconds after a shot is fired are a weird space-time. Everyone is silent; they do not realize what happened. Or at least that’s what I have been told.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an imagine, but also the first chapter in a multi-chapter story. It's called Prequel, here is the link: http://evs14u.tumblr.com/post/144838673157/complete-original-post-part-1-part-2-part-3

The seconds after a shot is fired are a weird space-time. Everyone is silent; they do not realize what happened. Or at least that’s what I have been told. For me the ER is like a beehive on the surface confusion. Yet, if you looked deeper you see order and logic in every corner. Which is why when I heard the loud blaring of the siren or the flashing yellow lights, I stayed calm. Even when I heard the EMT yell “GSW to the chest, no exit,” I was fine, this was my job. I was here to be the surgeon that would try everything I could to save this person’s life. That was my job, but then I saw Liv rushing in, someone on the team had been shot. God Damnit Carisi what sort of bullshit did you pull this time? It’s one thing to be an active detective it’s another thing to come to the ER every other week, with some new wound, because as Rollins put it “he loves too much.” So when I saw a dark suit and a bright colored tie and the telltale suspenders I froze, what the hell? How? Why? Luckily I spent years working on gunshot victims and the muscle memory took over.

“Mr. Barba, we are going to just get that bullet out of you.” I couldn’t call him Rafael I just couldn’t, that would make him real.

“Mel…” he tried.

“You are going to be fine sir.” I couldn’t see him as my boyfriend he was my patient and nothing more.

“Melody I have to…”

“Shut up Rafael I am trying to save your life here.” Seeing the distended veins and what looked like fluid building up in the lungs, I said, “Shit, I am going to have to crack his chest.”

“What here?” I hated interns, couldn’t they just be like good little bunnies and hop to it.

“Where would you suggest Intern 2 should I wait until the x-ray is open or should I lug him up the stairs to an E.R. Ok, first we need to drain the pleural effusion, prep a chest tube kit.” The next couple of hours went well, they covered his face and i could dissociate the man i loved from the surgery puzzle in front of me. I walked out with every muscle in my body screaming for sleep, but I saw the whole squad including Dodds sr. and knew I was going to have to explain.

“Melody how is he?” Dodds Sr. was still covered in Barba’s blood, even looking at it made this whole thing all the more real.

“He is as good as expected, I mean what the hell happened‽”

“He wasn’t supposed to be there.”

“I don’t care about what was supposed to happen I care about what happened.”

“There is was a guy who was molesting… we got him in the chest a couple of time he should be in…” Yet a nurse that came striding in holding an ER chart cut off Dodds.

“Dr., Dr. Huang is asking for your assistance in OR 3 with his cardiac patient.”

“Mel you’re not going to he’s the…” This time I cut him off.

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t have a choice.”

“Mel,” Liv jumped in, they weren’t going to let this go.

“I don’t. Doctors aren’t instruments of the NYPD, and we aren’t allowed to choose patients on specifics.”

“Melody it’s….” Carisi tried, but again I cut across him.

“Samuel Mudd set Booth’s leg after he shot Lincoln. So that’s the way it goes. You set the leg.” With that I swept from the room, to save the guy who had almost killed the man I loved.


	30. Countdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I dont care that your a woman or your scores. I care that what you did in there could be seen as coercion.”

“What the hell is your problem?” I was pissed he had just pulled me out of an interrogation for no reason, and this was the third time this week, come on if you think I am not competent say so, but don’t pull this shit. 

“My problem? You realize what you did in there is coercion.” He looked truly convinced of that, how dare he, I would never. 

“No it wasn’t. I followed the NYPD handbook to a tee. Maybe you’re just not comfortable with a woman getting physical with a suspect. Let me tell you, I passed the same tests at the academy as Dodds, Carisi, and Fin, and by the way with higher scores than each of them.”

“I dont care that your a woman or your scores. I care that what you did in there could be seen as coercion.”

“Ok first off it wasn’t, second how dare you, and third if the jury sees it as coercion you aren’t as good at your job as you think you are, I mean if that’s the case you have be compensating for something.”

“Excuse me?” now I had gotten his attention, good we were finally going to have this fight, after the bullshit I had to put up with the last couple of weeks. 

“You heard me, how many investigations have gone south because the DA couldn’t get their act together.” Rather than retorting he just left the viewing area. He was moving towards the elevator and at the last second I decided to jump in with him. “Hold up counselor.” I was not letting this go that easy, I had been pulling my punches all week because it had been a hard case, about a little boy who was found malnourished and without any sort of ID, we hadn’t been able to get him to talk at all.

“What driving me to the DA’s office? Thank you detective.” Oh he could snark all he wants, but this was going to be resolved.

“Why the hell are you riding me this hard? Is it because I am new? I might be a bit green, when it comes to sex crimes but trust me major crimes wasn’t a cakewalk, I know you might see as us more brawn than brain but I worked with some of the sharpest….” He cut me off by pulling my face to his and kissing me. This was not how I thought this conversation would go. I had never experienced a kiss like this, and God was it good. Then he abruptly stopped and said.

“I’m sorry I probably shouldn’t have done that. Look I am going to count to three, if you don’t kiss me i’ll realize this was a huge mistake and walk out of this elevator in humiliation.” My head was spinning how could he have even liked me enough to kiss me to have treated me this way. He caught me completely surprised when he whispered, “One.” Shit, ok I needed to know what was this, was this just his way of getting one over me? Some sort of sick power play?

“Two.” I can’t do this, he is using me. He needs to be honest about this, this cannot be decided by a count down, and this isn’t Kennedy Space Center in June. 

“Three,” just hung in the air, I couldn’t I shouldn’t. Then it came out a bit cracked full of sincere emotions “Four.” So I kissed him, he truly wanted this, and so did I.


	31. FBI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They know you have a record right?”

I had just had lunch with my brother and was waiting by the elevator when he came storming towards me.

“The FBI you could have not picked maybe an easier job or hell a safer one.”

“Rafi, calm down it is just an interview and they probably want to make sure I won’t break into Quantico on my day off.”

“You aren’t are you?”

“Yes if I was going to I would tell my goody toe shoes ADA of a brother.” This was getting insane, yes I had a past, and yes I hacked into the DOD as an early eighteenth birthday but that didn’t mean I was incapable of being employed.

“Y/N don’t screw with me.” Here we go, overprotective brother.

“I am not planning any sort of hacks promise.”

“Alright but be careful these guys.”

“Are boys I went to college with ok they saw my name on some sort of resume list and…”

“Wait your name is on an FBI resume list?”

“Yes after the Hayden hack they thought it would be prudent.”

“They know you have a record right?”

“I did six days for disturbing the peace!” 

“Record none the less.” This was getting dumb I knew that he saw horror everyday that didn’t mean everything was doom and conspiracy everywhere we looked. 

“Why can’t you just want me to be happy? I am getting a job didn’t you want that?”

“Yes I just…”

“Oh so you want me to work at some receptionist job for the rest of my life, with you and dad no wonder I started a life of crime.”

“Do not bring dad into this!!!” Ok I hit a nerve, I hadn’t been alive when dad had been around, he had died three years after I had been born.

“Ok fine, but I want to be happy, and I know I could be good at this.”

“I know.” There was a moment of silence between us.

“What?”

“I know this will make you happy that’s why I am scared. You’ll be good and those who are get put in harms way more often.”

“Thanks Rafi.” I kissed his cheek and got into the elevator.


	32. Proposition (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Take the drink and shut up. By the way you look like a dog took a dump in your bottom desk drawer.”

I was relieved to see Barba sitting at the bar alone. I had had a long day, and talking to him helped me unwind. He was a great sounding board. I sat down next to him and signaled to Tom. He was sipping his whiskey with a little too much swing for it to have been a good day.

Tom came over and greeted me with “Hey YN, we got that whiskey you like.” He reached for the top shelf and pulled down a bottle full of wonderful amber colored liquid.

Barba looked surprised, “You drink whiskey?” I smiled at him.

“Wonderfully expensive whiskey. Tom pours one for my comrade here as well.” Tom pulled out two glasses from behind the bar, but Barba held up his hands. 

“I couldn’t.” I shoved the drink towards him and said.

“Take the drink and shut up. By the way you look like a dog took a dump in your bottom desk drawer.”

“Thank you.” He said, with a lot less sarcasm than I had expected. It must have been a really bad day.

“What happened?”

“I just spent the past two hours being harangued by the DA because I didn’t charge Cassy.” Cassy was a sex worker. Who technically had committed a crime, after being gang-raped by a group of Johns. We thought it was best to not bring charges.

“We all knew that was coming.” He gave me a look that told me it didn’t make a difference. Barba had looked up to the last DA. Had revered him like a God, and to have this pencil pusher replace him hurt.

“My point is you knew it was coming. So why do still look like the dog brought his friends, and they all shit in your desk.” He was quiet for a second, and then changed the subject.

“Would you do it?” I had a feeling he knew about my lunch.

“The job offer?”

“Gage Whitney.”

“I interviewed and they liked me. That’s all I know.” For some people the DA’s office was just a stepping-stone. Something to put on their resume when they ran for office. 

“Why?”

“How do you know?” I had made sure not to tell anyone. I didn’t feel like getting read the Riot Act. 

“Carmen saw you at Per Se.”

“I went because they invited me to Per Se, and I was hungry.” Per Se was amazing. The view of Central Park was just the cherry on top.

“Are you going to take it?” I saw a flash of what I thought was real concern. So I decided to be honest with him.

“It is a big pay jump.”

“Yeah.” I said, taking a sip of my whiskey. “But here I get to pretend I am super hero so… I am not sure yet. The people here are quiet ok too.” It had taken me a while to adjust to SVU. It was very different from what I was used.

“Even though Liv breaks the law every other day?”

“Even though Liv breaks the law every other day.” We sat in silence for minute. I knew that my possible move up the pay scale wasn’t what put that look of pure exhaustion into his eyes.

“Are you ok?” 

He looked away, and talking more to his glass than me he said.

“I’m fine.”

“Come spit out.” With Barba you had to push to get answers. Especially about what was obviously hurting him. He felt like he needed to be an island, but he couldn’t be more wrong. “Just tell me, it will help.”

“I got a call from the insurance today. It turns out my dad racked up huge amounts of medical bills when he was dying in the hospital. Liver disease. Mami told me that it was covered but…”

“It isn’t, and now they just hiked up the interest.” It wasn’t a question, but Barba nodded. Eduardo Barba. I knew almost nothing about the man, except that I hated him. A man who could do the things he did to his family was not worth the air he breathed. 

“She has been paying down the interest, but never the actual debt. Now she can’t even cover that. He’s been dead fifteen years, and he’s still hurting her.” I looked at him and saw the anger that burned in his green eyes. More than that he looked hopeless. 

His hand had gripped his glass so tightly that I was afraid he would hurt himself. I put a hand on his and felt his hand relax. I wanted to hug him. Tell him that everything would be ok, but he needed solutions not comfort. After a small pause I said.

“I know a guy at Reed-Smith that will do it pro-bono.” Reed-Smith was the insurance law firm. Usually they helped screw people out of their insurance, but I knew they needed a bump in their pro-bono numbers.

Barba waved me off “I can’t ask.”

“You aren’t asking. The guy owes me a favor, and I am more than happy to use it here. You’re mom doesn’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this. Isn’t that our job? To put a bit of good in the world; to protect the people that have been hurt.” I pulled the whiskey glass out of his, and laced my fingers with his. He gave my hand a little squeeze and smiled.

“Thank you. You turn around quickly. Lunch at Per Se, now your slumming it with us.” 

“The one thing I’m not doing is slumming it. They would have me start back at the bottom. Ride me till…” I trailed off. 

I had done the corporate ladder, and it was just not worth it. The money was great and not having to work in offices that were in constant need of repair would be a nice change. 

“This is better. We do more here. We aren’t making the big bucks. Or given the right funding, but in the end it doesn’t matter. Because of the people we do help. If we help to ease their pain just a little. That’s all I need. I was just hungry, and Per Se makes a killer steak.”

I thought for a moment, taking in his profile. The grey streaks in his hair, the loosened tie… Without giving it much thought I said.

“I have a crazy idea.” 

“Again? I don’t think I can take more after setting up a kiddie pool for Noah and Jessie in the precinct.

“Don’t diss SVU’s first fully functioning water experience, and it’s crazier than that. You are a perfect liberty to say no.”

“Since when do you give me a choice in these crazy schemes?” I dragged him through most of my crazy ideas, but in my defense they worked more often than not.

“It’s not a scheme. We both have had a long day.”

“Yes…” For such a smart guy, he was bad at picking up hints. I gave him an exasperated look. It seemed that I had to spell it out for him.

“Do you want to rent a room at the nearest hotel and fuck till we see stars?” The shock in his face, made me backpedal as fast as I could. Letting go of his hand and looking around for purse.

“Sorry… that was rude of me,” To my surprise he leaned in and kissed me. Softly at first, but it quickly devolved into a hard kiss. All tongue and teeth. 

“Lets go.” He helped me down from the bar stool, pulling me into another kiss. I am not sure how we made it to the hotel without getting several citations for public indecency. We stumbled through the door, almost ripping off our clothing. He started kissing down my neck, finding that one spot right behind my ear, and softly biting into it. I moaned.

“How do you know about that? Have we ever done this before?”

“No, but you rub that spot when you’re nervous, so I took a guess. Happy to know I was right.” He bit into the spot again, this time a little harder. My body felt alive in a way it hadn’t in, what felt like forever. His hands were massaging hips. Then he started to kiss and nip down my chest. He reached for my bra and murmured.

“We are going to have to get rid of this.” I opened my eyes.

“Be careful with…” But before I could finish my warning I heard a little click, and my bra opened.

“You did that without looking.” I said impressed. He smirked down at me.

“And one handed.”

“I am going to have to keep you around Mr. Barba.”

“I would love nothing more.” I was taken aback by his sincerity. It seemed that he had been thinking about this just as much as I. He continued his journey down my body. Stopping to scrape his teeth over my nipples.

“Oh God yes.”

“Close, but not quiet.”

“If you weren’t doing that with your teeth I’d slap you.”

“Really?” I could feel the smirk on his lips. He softly bit down on my nipple. Lightly running just the pad of his finger across the other. I arched into him. “Care to change your answer?”

“Oh fuck.”

“Come say it.” He knew he had won the argument, but he wanted me to admit it. 

He switched positions. Scraping his teeth along the nipple that had just been lightly touched. I squeaked as he bit down, a little harder this time. Using his hand to sooth the nipple that had just been subject to his mouth. 

“Come you know you want to. Just say it.” 

The sob of ecstasy that came out of my mouth was anything but dignified, but I didn’t care I just needed him.

“Please fuck me.”

“Good girl.”

Using his other hand he started running his index over my now soaked underwear. He looked up at me and this time I could see his smirk.

“Already wet cariño.” I wanted to ask what that meant, but lost my train of thought as he started to rub circles into my soaked clothed clit. Light circles, just enough to get me aroused. I started to press myself into his finger, anything to get him to press down just a little.

“Eager I see.” I was too far-gone for some witty reply. 

“Just fuck me please.”

“But I love when you beg. Having you at my mercy like this. I like it when you’re this wet, and it’s all be cause of me.

“Please Rafael.” The first name seemed to do the trick, because in one quick motion he had pulled me towards him, and was pulling off my underwear.

“What a shame that you’re going to have to throw these away.” Yet there was no sign shame on his face. Only a smirk on his lips and a glint in his eyes. The next minute he was back at eye level with me and was kissing me. The long day had worn away the hair gel so his hair was soft. I ran my finger nails down the back of his neck, and he chuckled.

“Want something?” All I managed was a pleading look. “What? I enjoy you like this. All wet with no where to go.” Another pleading look and my hips grinding against him for any sort of friction finally made him give in. 

Rafael made quick work of his pants and underwear. A second later I felt him slide inside me. He started to rock his hips. In seconds I was teetering on the edge again. One last thrust and I saw stars. Rafael kept rocking his hips to help me through my orgasm and his came soon after.

We lay side by side for a while after. Letting our breathing return to normal. After a couple of minutes I heard deep even breaths and knew he was asleep. I looked over at him and he smiled. I was definitely going to keep him around.


	33. Falling In Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh so this was Liv’s idea.” I said quietly. Maybe if I whispered the truth it would turn into a lie.

“The judge let that in?” I asked looking up from the tomatoes I was chopping.

“Yeah why not?”

Without looking up I said. “Because it’s stupid.” I could feel his anger rising, so I added. “No seriously there is no precedent. Except if you want to take that 20-year-old piece of shit, which doesn’t even relate. Plus it’s unconstitutional/

“What about Tanner v. United States?“

“They ruled on hypnosis for defendants, and it assumes that the hypnosis was performed by a licensed practitioner.”

“What does it matter it worked. The guy is going away for a long time. Justice won.”

“I am not so sure.” Feeling the urge to triple check my criminal evidentiary procedure books.

“He raped her.” As if it was ever that simple. I looked up from my tomatoes.

“I don’t doubt that. But there is such a thing as procedure. Are you telling me Miranda v. Arizona was wrong?”

“Of course not.” He had sat down and pulled the celery towards him and started chopping.

“It did strengthen the rights of criminals. You’re saying that the rights of a victim should take precedent over the rights of the accused.”

“He is a bad guy he is going away. I don’t see the problem,” but I did.

“How did you get around the Fry rule? You know that thing that says admissibility rests on expert opinion? What crackpot did you get to…?”

Rafael shrugged. “Judge didn’t ask.”

Now I was getting angry. I didn’t want to have to testify at another suit against the office for miscarriage of justice. Especially one that might have legitimate grounds. “Did this judge not go to law school? Did you let Carisi murder the judge, and become the judge instead?”

“Look Liv had a good idea and I…” My heart sank. We always ended here, always with Olivia Benson.

“Oh so this was Liv’s idea.” I said quietly. Maybe if I whispered the truth it would turn into a lie.

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Not this again.”

I could feel tears building behind my eyes, so I picked up the knife and started to chop the onions.

“I’m not saying anything.”

“Yes you are.” He seemed to want this fight. Maybe his precious little Liv didn’t give him enough at work.

“Cariño.” I threw my knife onto the table with a clatter.

“You know what’s the worst part? I work two doors down from you. You didn’t even have to walk outside of the building to ask me for help. You decided to go to Liv. You walked to the precinct for her.” I picked up the knife again and threw it in sink. I was done with this sham of a nice night in. 

“I didn’t…”

“You chose Olivia Benson. Who, despite being a good woman, has about as much respect and understanding of the law as a possum. You chose her over your girlfriend who graduated top of her class at Yale.” 

“Don’t talk about her like that.” Still sticking to her. I understood that they had a bond I could never replicate, but I felt like an afterthought.

“You’re defending her. The fact that SVU hasn’t been shut down already is a miracle within an enigma. The fact that she still has a badge is incredible. I guess it helps when the head of IAB has a hard on for you.”

“Liv has given up everything for…” I cut him off with a yell of frustration.

“That woman has flagrantly violated the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th amendment, and if I took a closer look at her record I could probably make cases for the other 23, except maybe the 3rd. Unless she has quartered soldiers in people’s homes without their consent, and didn’t tell us about it until now. I mean the amount of money people could make on entrapment cases alone is crazy.” 

“Cariño.” He took a step towards me and I backed into the counter.

“Don’t call me that. You have no fucking right to call me that right now. What is it? Am I not good enough? I mean objectively I’m a catch. Yeah the daddy issues, and the refusal to leave a thankless underpaid job might be a hang up for some people. Otherwise I’m a great choice.”

“There is nothing going on between us.” As if that settled the matter.

“Why should I believe you? What’s my evidence?” We had been dancing around this fight for months. Now it was finally here.

“Can’t you just trust me?”

“You’re asking me to trust you, but you have done nothing to assuage my fears.” I knew what people around the office thought; that I was a mere rest stop on the road to Olivia Benson. At that moment I knew they were right.

“You’re fears are baseless why should I…” I laughed, but my laugh was cut short by my own sobs.

“Not only are you defending her, you are also invalidating my feelings.“ I ran my fingers through my hair, and rubbed my eyes. I was too tired for all of this. Why do I keep doing this to myself?”

He took another step towards me and I pressed myself further into the sink. “You’re not getting it. I’m not sleeping with Liv.”

“Ok, so you’re not sleeping with her. But then why do I spend most of my nights falling asleep alone? Sometimes even waking up that way. It’s at least an emotional affair. Above all it’s a complete disregard for me and my time. What I did do to deserve this?”

“You didn’t do anything… I love you.”

“Actions speak louder than words Rafael.” His face brightened. 

“How about we go away for the weekend just the two of us?” I took a small breath and considered. I really did love him. I wanted this to work. So I had to put in the work.

“Ok.”

I let him pull me into a hug, and he murmured. “Té amo Cariño,” and all felt right with the world. 

Friday came. I had found a wonderful bed and breakfast in upstate New York. It was built like a little castle, with turrets and large stained glass windows. Surrounded by trees, and a lake. Plus some hiking trails I could drag Rafael on. It’s the kind of place I would want to get married in. I took that Friday off to pack. 

Rafael had done most of it last night, but I wanted to double-check everything. He had just gone in to make sure nothing pressing had to be done, and to tell everyone that we would be gone for the weekend, with limited access to cellphones.

I heard the key turn in the lock and yelled. “You’re back!” I knew he could hear the surprise in my voice. 

“Did you doubt I would?”

“Healthy skepticism.” He kissed me and it tasted like fall: all honey and leaves changing colors. An hour later Rafael had finished loading the car and I had organized snacks for the ride. I slid into the driver’s seat, and the second we were out of the city I opened the sunroof.

“Do you really think leaving the hood down is a good idea?” Rafael asked looking worried.

“You love the wind.” We had spent hours sitting on our terrace letting the wind bite at our faces and hands, sitting side by side and breathing in the wind.

“I just don’t want to get rained on.” I smiled over at him. 

“You won’t. Clear skies from here on out.”

Ping Ping Ping Ping. The unmistakable sound of Rafael’s phone filled the car. He checked and his face fell.

“We have to go back. There’s a case.” My heart broke. I knew this was important, but when was I going to be important? 

“What happened?” I asked quietly.

“A 16 year old girl got raped at homecoming, and they need my help.” I knew he had said they, but we both knew that he had meant she.

Wordlessly I turned the car around, the sound of Rafael’s phone echoing in my head all the way home. We never did make it to the little castle.


	34. I Was Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back then Rafael and I had still been dating.

“You look great Y/N. Another hot date?” Amanda said, smirking from across the room as I tried to put on my pearl earrings without a mirror. I had done most of my getting ready in the bathroom, but I wanted him to see me before I left. I wanted to see the look in his eyes. To show him what he let go. It was childish, but I didn’t care. 

“Yeah, remember Tom James?” I smoothed my dress out and checked if for stains. 

“The billionaire who gave that speech, at the fund for peace gala a couple months ago?” Amanda asked, mouth wide open.

“Yeah, him.” Rafael had just unilaterally decided one that that we were done. That the pressure from IAB and 1PP was too much for us to handle. 

He had just pulled me aside in the hallway on the way to the courtroom. Like the end of our relationship was a side note, rather than something that actually mattered. He had put our breakup on par with his making lunch order. 

I could see him finishing up with Liv on the child molester case from two weeks ago. Back then Rafael and I had still been dating. We had worked that case literally hand in hand.

It was different now. It didn’t really matter though, because I was going to spend my evening dancing and dining with one of N.Y.’s richest bachelors. We had met at that gala a couple of months ago. 

He had asked me to go for a drink. I said no because at the time Rafael and I were still dating. He had given me his card with a genuine smile on his face. Told me to call if anything ever changed, and change it did. So I did exactly that. I called him, and he was nice enough to say yes. 

He was taking me to some sort of fancy modern art gallery, that included food and dancing for some reason. I chose him because he was the opposite of Rafael. Rich, sweet, and a bit dumb. Like a marshmallow. A marshmallow that was worth 3 billion dollars. If I could get him to donate at least some of that to help the backlog of rape kits than it would all be worth it.

“Really how did you swing that?” Of course Carisi had to come back from evidence lock up right at that moment. Nothing was ever private around here.

“He asked me out back then and I decided to take him up on his offer.” It had been that simple. Two minute phone call. It was refreshing, not having to sneak around. Not having to feel bad for dating in secret. It was wonderful for it to be so uncomplicated. 

“Where is he taking you?”

“That new modern art gallery in central park.” I had never heard of it, so I said yes. That was what this post-Rafael me was supposed to be about. Taking chances I would otherwise not have. To have experiences, and to stop pining for someone who clearly doesn’t want me.

Amanda’s eyes lit up. “The open air concert in the new statue garden?”

“Yes.” The pictures I had seen on the internet looked wonderful. That was the beauty of central park. You were in the city, but it didn’t feel like it. It felt removed from all the bustle of the streets surrounding it. You could almost pretend that you were far far away, and being far away was exactly what I needed right now.

“That’s really hard to get into.” Carisi said from behind his desk. That surprised me. He had never seemed like the artsy type.

“How would you know Carisi?” He suddenly went very red and glanced at Amanda. I knew it. They had been dancing around each other for months. I was happy for the two of them. You needed someone, if you wanted to get through this job with your sanity intact.

Carisi quickly changed the subject back to me. “You’re finally going out and having fun. I’m proud of you. I mean he has to be better than the bartender from yesterday, or the pediatrician from last week.” I smiled. I had been going on more dates. It was fun to finally be able to freely talk with my dates, without having to look over my shoulder for 1PP.

“They weren’t so bad.”

“You said that the bartender made knock knock jokes the whole night, and the pediatrician only talked in bad impressions of muppet characters.” I chuckled.

“True, but they were both hot and the sex was good.” Seeing the shocked looks on their faces I added. “What? It’s true. You both said I should go out and have fun. So I did. They were fun, and tomorrow I’m going out with Lisa. So there is definitely going to be some fun.” Lisa was a friend from college who had never really outgrown her drunk college girl phase.

Gesturing to Liv’s door Amanda asked quietly. “Does Tom know you just recently…”

“Shh, and no. He doesn’t have to. I am just going to have a bit of fun. Who knows a donation to the backlog fund would be great.”

“You can’t use your body to get donations.” Rafael had walked out of Liv’s office. Rather than a look of shock and regret, all I got was disgust.

“Why not? It’s for a good cause. Plus I am not being forced to do it. I genuinely find him interesting.” Ok that was pushing it, but spending time with him didn’t make me want to gouge out my eyes. So that was a plus.

“Because it’s unethical.” The look of self-righteousness on his face would put the guys from the “there but for the grace of God” society to shame. 

Creating a scene in the squad room was not what I wanted. It would be worse then when Maria had done it. People had talked about that for weeks after.

“Unethical? Where do you get off telling me what I can’t and can’t do? Last time I checked I was over the age of 21, and could do whatever the fuck I want. You lost the right to give me any sort of lasting advice when…” I stopped. Technically everyone knew about our relationship, and the fact that it had come to an… abrupt end. That didn’t mean we talked about it openly.

“All I am saying is that you should be careful who you go out with.” That’s how he wanted to play it. The big brother act. 

“So I have to sit here and be the good little lawyer, while you got out and break every ethics rule in the book? Fuck you, and the high horse you rode in on.”

“All I am saying is that it could be seen as a opportunistic.” I took a step back. I couldn’t believe it. How dare he…?

“That’s what you think of me? You think I’m a whore. Just a dirty little whore. Who makes her way through men as if they were flies on a hot summer day.” 

Tears started to blur my vision. How different this was. Two weeks ago we had been playing strip blackjack and quoting famous Supreme Court cases at each other. Now we were…

“Y/N, that’s not…” I gave a short laugh and moved right in front him. We were so close I could see the individual flecks of blue and green in his eyes. I pushed down all the memories that those eyes brought to my mind. The weekend in the Catskills, the boat trip around the Hudson on New Year’s Eve…

I leaned in even closer. Till we were almost touching, and said in a low tone. 

“You don’t get to call me a whore. When I met you… I thought was done.” I heard my voice crack but I pushed on. I needed to tell him this. For his sake and for mine. “I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. So all the boys, and all the booze, and all the obvious daddy issues… who cared? Because I was done. You left me.” That was when the tears started, but I pressed on. This was more important than not letting him see me cry. “I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.”

With that I left. It was surprisingly easy. I had said what I needed to say. I had told him exactly what he had done. The fairytale that he had burned right in front me.


	35. He's Still Haunting Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is how it starts. He was the same way. That rage. She was so loud and I… just wanted some quiet.” I could see him fighting back tears. He always had to be strong, always everyone’s rock. - Warning: shaken baby syndrome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this story is not meant educationally, nor am I an expert on any of this. It is just supposed to be a well written story. If you are struggling please seek help with the appropriate medical/psychological personnel.

Court prep is like running a Five-K. It was what you did to prepare for your marathon. You mapped your route. You found out what you were good at, and what you needed to improve on. It was also tedious. Every detail had to be checked three times, no mistakes, or I could kiss my senior partnership goodbye. I used to not mind working all hours of the night, but then I had Sofia. 

I had insisted on going back to work right away. We needed the money, and secretly I had been scared that I wouldn’t be a good mother. Rafael on the other hand had taken to the role naturally. He was the perfect stay-at-home dad, caring, attentive, and he could change diapers at lighting speed.

So I was surprised when I walked into our apartment to see Rafael sitting on our couch, head in hands.  

“Rafael what’s wrong?”

I barely heard his reply. “I almost did it.” I toed off my shoes, and put my jacket on the hooks by the door. They had been decorated with a family of Bears: Mother Bear, Father Bear, and Baby Bear. All with matching names and hooks.  

“Did what?” I had never seen Rafael like this. No, once when his grandmother had died. He had had that same look. Equal parts grief and guilt.

“I’m no different. All my life I’ve tried to hide from him… tried to be better…” Now I was getting worried. Him could only be his father. Rafael never mentioned his father by name. As if that would give  _him_  some sort of power. 

In Rafael’s worsts moments, that’s who haunted him. It wasn’t the rapists or even men like William Lewis. It was his own father. Even from beyond the grave Eduardo Barba could still torment his son.

“You gotta help me out here…” I sat down next him, and started to rub him back. I could feel every muscle in his body tense. After a couple of seconds he started to relax.  

“I was so close and she was crying all day. Mierda, I’m trying to justify all most shaking my own daughter.” My heart went blank. Rafael couldn’t… he wasn’t capable… No. He had said almost. He must have seen the look on my face because he continued, somehow sounding even more heartbroken than before.

“She wouldn’t go to sleep. There was nothing  _wrong_. “ he put especial emphasis on the last word. “This is how it starts. He was the same way. That rage. She was so loud and I… just wanted some quiet.” I could see him fighting back tears. He always had to be strong, always everyone’s rock.

“Rafael, are you telling me that you wanted shake our daughter to get her to stop crying?”  

“Yes.” His voice broke. “I… am no better than him.” Then the tears he had been bottling up for hours finally came out. I pulled him into my arms. I could feel his chest heaving, but not a sound escaped him mouth. Another remnant of his childhood.

“Rafael… I love you. How can a man be both this stupid and this smart. They should put you in a museum.” He jerked away, maybe jokes weren’t the right response, and so I gave him a soft smile. He looked at me with pleading eyes. As if he desperately wanted me to see the evil, he believed, was inside him.

“I told you I almost killed our daughter, and you’re cracking jokes?”

“Rafael you didn’t almost kill her. You had a human reaction. A moment of extreme emotion, It’s normal. You’ve been taking care of a newborn for three months virtually by yourself. You’re exhausted, both physically and emotionally.” 

That was my fault. I had been so caught up in work I hadn’t seen what all of this had done to Rafael. I felt like a rent-a-mom. Just there for the big moments, not the important ones.

“You don’t have to make excuses.” There was hardness in his voice. The same voice he used when he told victims that he was going to nail their attackers to the wall. A voice developed by years of having to remind himself that what his dad did to him was not his (Rafael’s) fault. 

I gave him another soft smile, and pulled his head onto my chest. I started running my hands through his hair. It was softer these days. Unlike courtrooms, babies don’t require suits or hair gel.

“Trust me I’m not. We are hard-wired to get emotional when she is. It’s survival instinct. You want to make her feel better and you don’t know how. That is frustrating and it turns to anger. You want to take away her pain, and you can’t figure out how.”

“I just felt so angry.” He sounded so defeated, as if he had already accepted that this was the end.

“Yes, and you’re not your father.” His head twisted up at me, genuinely surprised.

“You’re sitting here crying. Trying your hardest not to reach for that bottle of scotch, because you know your still on call.” I cupped his face in my hands. “You love her. If you were your father you wouldn’t care. You would already be at the bottom of a bottle, or worse.” Rafael never directly talked about what he had suffered at the hands of his father. I had tried a couple of times to get him to talk to a psychologist, but so far it hadn’t worked. Maybe now that Sofia was here.  

“Ok.” He took a big unsteady breath. “What if it happens again and I can’t…”

I gently sat us both back up. I looked directly into his grief stricken green eyes, and told him the truth.

“You’re going to feel like this again. You’re going to feel like this when she starts dating that boy that is clearly wrong for her. Or when you find out that snuck out in the middle of the night, because whatever the kids are listening to was in town, and she just HAD to be there. She is a baby she is going to cry without a reason again, and you are going to feel that same anger. You just have to put her in her crib and take a break.”

“You want me to leave her crying?” I smiled. He had no idea how good of a father he was.

“Let her get it out of her system. Babies are human. They feel stress and emotions just like we do. They just don’t have a way of voicing it yet. You take a moment to calm down. Take a deep breath, relax, and most importantly call me.” He gave me a look that told me exactly how bad of a rent-a-mom I was.

“I know I haven’t been there the way I should be. I am going to be from now on. It’s not fair to any of us to keep going like this.”

“Ok…” He started to get up. I took his hand and pulled myself up. He went to turn away and pulled him back into a hug. I gripped him tightly and whispered, hoping that I could at least assuage some of the fear he felt.

“I saw you in the operating room that day. I saw you fall in love with our little girl.”

“I love you.” He whispered back, as if he didn’t want the world to hear. That if he said it too loud his father would hear him and would take it away. 

I took his hand and pulled him to Sophia’s room.

“Come on. I think she’s awake.” 

Newborns have this knack for being awake at just the  _right_  time. He stopped at the door. As if he thought just walking back into the room would bring back his anger.  

“I don’t think I should be in there.”

“Why not? You are her Papí after all.” I tugged him into the room. He started to protest again.

“Just watch this.“ We leaned over crib, and there she was. Awake, with her green eyes bright and curious. When she saw us her eyes went wide and she started to smile. My heart filled to the brim with love and I could feel my own tears coming. How could I ever go back to work? Knowing I have this perfect little girl at home.

I looked back at Rafael. “You see that?

“She recognized us.”  

“Yeah. She recognizes you, and she loves you.”

Then Sofia started to giggle and Rafael was gone. He gathered her up into his arms started to rock her

“Lo siento, té amo princesa.” punctuating every word with a kiss. With every kiss Sofia was getting more and more giggly. He pulled her into a tight hug, and whispered to her “Por este niño oraba, y Jehovah me ha concedido lo que le pedí.*”  

I smiled. Rafael Barba was born to a lot of things. He had been born to a man who didn’t deserve him. He had been born to be a great man who fights for those who need a miracle. But most of all he had been born to love Sofia. Protect her from the evil that was sure to come her way. To console her when she cried, to help her reach for her dreams. To make her laugh and giggle like she was right now.

He had been born to be her Papí.  

_*1 Samuel 1:27 - For this child I prayed, and the Lord granted me what I asked of him._


	36. Reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I strode into Barba’s office, and as calmly as I could asked, “How did you not tell about this?”

I strode into Barba’s office, and as calmly as I could asked, “How did you not tell about this?”

Without even looking up from his paperwork he said, “It was a long time ago.”

“1776 was a long time ago but we are still feeling its effects.” How could he dismiss me like that? Trying to be civil I sank into the chair opposite his desk. 

He looked up at me and said. “I’m sorry… actually I’m not. I did what I thought was right.” He said it with a look that could have gotten him into “there but for the grace of God go I” society. 

“Without looking at the consequences?” I didn’t really want this fight. We were supposed to go to a Bed and Breakfast this weekend. I wanted to celebrate not have a knock out drag out fight.

“I was fully aware of the consequences.” At least he was looking at me now.

“You just never thought you’d get caught. We have these rules for a reason. I love you and your bleeding heart, but come the fuck on! Why would you…?”

“Because I needed to put him away.”

“So you ruined that woman’s life and with that her daughter’s life. You knew full well that she was going to buy cocaine. You didn’t care if she overdosed. Not to mention that having someone under the influence testify is fifty kinds of wrong. You just wanted your conviction. It didn’t matter probably didn’t hurt that it boosted your conviction rate.” Now he was angry. I had been wrong. I did want this fight. I needed him to realize how stupid he was. 

“He was a…”

“I don’t fucking care how bad he was. I don’t care if he was Satan incarnated. You have any idea what this means for you? They are going to go through every one of your cases, to see who else you “helped” along. You’ve effectively insured that you will never work again. Not only will you be disbarred, you’ll hung out to dry by everyone, and that’s not to mention the charges you could be facing. She was high on the stand Rafael! That makes her testimony invalid, and if this guy has 2 brain cells he’ll appeal his conviction and be out by the end of business, and then sue you for more than you’re worth.”

I took a breath and realized I was standing again.

“So? All that matters is that he’s behind bars.” He said this as if it was obvious, as if anyone else would have made the same call. 

“You don’t seem to get it. This “ends justify the means” bullshit doesn’t fly with me.” 

I felt like grabbing him, and shaking the gravity of situation into him. He stood up to fully face me, bracing his hands on his desk.

“Is this about me and my “transgression” or about you protecting your boss?” 

Without a thought I slapped him. He recoiled in stunned silence that I used to take a steadying breath and as evenly as I could I say:

“You want to know what I would have done if I just cared about my job? I would have put out a statement saying that “I had no knowledge of your actions and that I cannot condone any such actions.” That would have been it, but guess what I’m here. I am not even sure why anymore… You know what the worst part is? The fact that you kept paying her family off.” 

“I am not.” He said it with such conviction that I had to laugh. 

“You are. It’s blood money. You are trying to assuage your guilt by paying her off. It’s not out of some noble notion of helping out. It is because you feel guilty that you ripped that young girl’s life to shreds.” 

I looked into his eyes and knew I had crossed a line. There was no coming back from this and I felt an unexpected sadness settle into my chest. Tears started to well up in my eyes but I pushed them back down. I didn’t need this right now. 

“How dare you? I only want to help.” I realized that he needed to believe that he hadn’t caused irreparable damage. That what he had done was worth it.

“Is that what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night? Do you have any idea what’s going to happen to you?” He opened his mouth to reply but I cut him off again. I needed to get this off my chest. “Spare me the fucking martyr act. Your precious Liv might get it, but I don’t. How could throw everything you’ve worked for away?”

“I am so sorry if ruined your chances of getting into the next fundraising meeting.” 

It would have hurt less if he had punched me. Did he really think that little of me? Without another word I picked up my phone off his desk and made to leave, but he caught me at the door.

“Don’t you dare, we are going to finish this conversation.” 

“No we aren’t.” I looked him in the eye. I needed my next words to land, because I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to repeat them “I am done. This is over.” Without another word I pushed passed him and out the door.

The second I was out of Carmen’s eye-line I ducked into the nearest bathroom. The second the door closed behind me the tears I had been fighting finally broke through. When I had calmed down a bit I opened my purse and pulled out the little plastic stick that I had bought last night. I had actually been excited to see the two pink lines. They had seemed so cheerful, so… right.

Now it felt like all the happiness had been sucked out the world. I stared at the stick for a long minute, remembering the wonder that had been the last year of my relationship with Rafael, but I knew it was over. The fact that we had lasted this long was a miracle. Taking a deep breath I wiped the tears off my face and before leaving the bathroom threw the stick into the nearest trashcan.


	37. Tested and Proven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had needed to prove everyone wrong. Prove that he wasn’t just the scholarship kid from the Bronx. Prove to his father that he wasn’t a waste of space. He needed to do this for his mother, so she could one day take his disgusting father to court. He had needed to prove himself to every bodega owner and gang member in the Bronx. Just to show everyone that he wasn’t a fluke.

He popped what felt like the fiftieth Advil in an hour. He knew it wasn’t going to help but he tried anyway. He knew what he really needed, but he also knew he was never going to get it. 

He had needed to prove everyone wrong. Prove that he wasn’t just the scholarship kid from the Bronx. Prove to his father that he wasn’t a waste of space. He needed to do this for his mother, so she could one day take his disgusting father to court. He had needed to prove himself to every bodega owner and gang member in the Bronx. Just to show everyone that he wasn’t a fluke. 

It had been easy too. Some rich white boy stole them from his mother. The issue was that they worked. He was top of his class. He had clerkship lined up with a Supreme Court Judge, and was on track to graduate magna cum laude.

He knew if he wanted to he could get some now. There were always junkies in the tombs. This was New York after all, finding some kid jumped up on Ritalin wasn’t hard. Just a little blue pill to get him through the next case.

His phone cut his train of thought like a knife through butter on a hot summer’s day. 

“Yeah Liv.” 

“Some guy just hacked our entire system, every email phone conversations even our medical records.” Shit.

“Ok, how much do they know and what are we doing to fight it?”

His brain was racing. Competition at Harvard had been fierce, and had had a mock amicus brief due the next day and needed to power through. He didn’t even consider the risks, or he just hadn’t cared. When he had woken up in the doctors had told him he had had a grand mal seizure. 

All he could remember was that it had felt like he was trapped in his own body. Just him and excruciating pain. He had felt every pebble in the carpet as he had shook on his dorm room floor. He had been prepared for death, wishing for it all to be over. They had told him that he had been extremely lucky, that the psychical damage was minimal, and that he had suffered no brain damage. Years later when he had applied to the DA’s office he had put the bare minimum on his medical forms, but there was enough for someone to figure it out. 

“TARU is working on it, but they are already in the system.” She said bringing him back to the present. 

“Do you have any idea what they want to do with this information?”

“No idea. Our best guess is that they want to wreak havoc and then release it to the public, just to maximize the damage. It’s every dirty little secret the NYPD has.” and mine he thought bitterly. 

“I am not sure how I can help you.” He was grateful she called, but it made him feel useless.

“I just called to warn you, incase you get calls about that tie you were wearing last week.”

He knew she was trying to make him laugh but he didn’t feel like laughing. He couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t or wouldn’t take a single look of pity from her or anyone else. Just another junkie. He could see his entire career going up in flames. What had that amiguito said “we know a lot about you, things people would want to know.” This had been their in, they had their proof now. 

He could feel the anger rising in his chest. He had done everything to atone for his sins. He had gone into treatment right away, turned his life around, made amends. He went to NA every week. He had survived. 

“Yeah look I am going to call you back.” he said to Liv, a plan forming in the back of his head. It was a stupid reckless plan, but it was the only way out. The only way he could think of making this all go away.

The anger was still there, still bubbling in his chest. He clicked his phone shut. A second later then he heard glass shatter. He looked up in surprise to see to his on the floor phone surrounded by glass.


	38. Egg Salad Sandwich

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Because food keeps you alive you can not run on caffeine. I will just pop into Chino’s. Bacon sandwich?” Chino’s was right around the corner from the courthouse and the food was amazing.

wasn’t sure how many times in the last year I had been in Barba’s office and it always looked the same. The only things that were different were the level of tired etched on his face and the color palette of his suits. Tonight was bad, bad enough for Liv to call me and get him out of the office for a while. He would never want anyone to see him tired but I noticed that he had been reading the same page for the last ten minutes.

“You need to eat Rafael.” He looked up. 

“Why?” 

“Because food keeps you alive you can not run on caffeine. I will just pop into Chino’s. Bacon sandwich?” Chino’s was right around the corner from the courthouse and the food was amazing. 

"Why do you insist on going there? That guy behind the counter has a weird fascination with you.” 

“Because he has a huge crush on me and I like getting reduced prices on food.”

“Alright but I am going with you.” I rolled my eyes. This side of him was usually reserved for the bedroom, but obviously not tonight. 

‘Really? You are going to go with me to the corner because a guy likes me? I can take care of myself.” 

"But I like taking care of you.” He gave me one of his mischievous smiles. "What are you going to do take him down with your fists of rage that you honed at Harvard?”

“Funny. I just want to make sure you’re ok.“ 

"Ok fine, but be nice to him.” 

“Why? I threw him his coat and he held the door open for me. 

"Because it’s an innocent crush, and if I recall correctly you had a similar fascination with me.”

“It was nothing like that, that man leers after you." 

"And you have never looked at my ass as I was walking away?” His cheeks’ reddened. It was common knowledge that he had taken a liking to me when I had first arrived, though he had tried his hardest to hide it. As we walked into the store I saw Jeff behind the counter. I had secretly hoped that wouldn’t be there so I could put this whole thing to rest. 

When he saw me he lit up like a Christmas tree. "YN what are you doing here…?” Then he saw Rafael, and his face fell. "Oh you brought your boyfriend." 

"I did. He wanted to make sure I was safe walking around the corner from the courthouse.”

“I think you can handle yourself.” All right, he was a bit imposing but I still liked the almost free food so I played along. 

"Thank you Jeff.”

“We do have the egg salad sandwich which you like, and we got the sweet pickles that you like.” I smiled broadly.

“Oh you are an angel.” This egg salad was amazing, there was some sort of secret ingredient that made it taste like the one my mom used to make, and the pickles were just the cherry on top. 

“You would know, because that’s were you came from.” I could feel Rafael’s eyes roll, but I remained happy. I was getting that sandwich. 

"Thank you Jeff, oh and the bacon sandwich for Mr. grumpy pants over here.” Jeff went to make the sandwiches and when he came back mine was perfectly made and expertly wrapped and Rafael’s looked like Noah had made it. Rafael moved to pay and I went to put on my coat again. As Jeff was handing Rafael the money I heard Rafael say quietly his voice laced with just a hint of danger. 

"She’s with me. Every night she chooses to go home with me. Have a good look because you aren’t getting any closer.”


	39. Top Gun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Have to worry about Dad.” That thought had been haunting me. I knew I shouldn’t care what he thought, but I did.

“Are you sure about this YN?” My mom asked for the fourth time. The answer was not really, lunch with my parents and Rafael was something I had been pushing off for months, but at some point my mum had forced it.

“Yes mom.”

“I am just saying 17 years is a long time. He was driving a car when you were born.”

“He grew up in the city, he wasn’t driving.” I could feel her roll her eyes.

“But you know what I mean, we are only looking out for your best interest.”

“I know.” My heart softened they just cared.

“But you’ll play nice?”

“You don’t have to worry about me. You…”

“Have to worry about Dad.” That thought had been haunting me. I knew I shouldn’t care what he thought, but I did.

“I’ll try honey to soften him up a bit but I fear that that’s a lost cause.”

“Why can’t he just let me be happy?”

“He is just protective, he would be insufferable under the ideal of circumstances, and your boyfriend being closer in age to him than you is not ideal.”

“You had me young.”

“That may be but that doesn’t change your dad’s view. I am surprised Rafael agreed, he no doubt knows….” There was another spot of shame for me. Rafael was woefully unprepared.

“No he doesn’t.”

“What.”

“I never told him about old Dad’s job.”

“You never… Oh God.”

“Should I? Or do you think the medals on the mantle will do the talking?” I really didn’t want to have this conversation. 

“I would tell him. It isn’t fair that he walks in here with only some of the information.”

“I just hope he doesn’t back out.”

“If he truly loves you, he will man up.”

“Thanks mum.” I ended the call, and looked up to see Rafael entering my office. Now or never.

“Hey ready for lunch?” He gave me a quick peck and offered me his arm. I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah about that, sidebar?” A short while later we walked into sidebar. A wonderful little place, whose name had given us a lot of laughs over the years. The owner was a former lawyer who had been disbarred when the NY bar association had found out he was running working with an illegal liquor license. After getting our lunch, I slowly broached the subject.

“So you know how I told you my dad worked on a boat for a while?” I had made it sound like he had been a fisherman.

“Yes…”

“Well that might not be the whole story. To be clear, I wasn’t lying he did work on a boat. Except that boat was a aircraft carrier and he was a fighter jet pilot.”

“Your dad was a fighter jet pilot?” He looked like I had punched him in the face.

“Yeah… and it gets worse.”

“Your dad is the embodiment Top Gun and it gets worse?”

“That wasn’t the last job he had before he retired.” He looked exasperated. “He was Supreme Commander NATO Allied Forces Europe.”

“Your dad was…”

“Yeah…”

“Which explains why you grew up in Britain and France.”

“They are NATO allies.” I saw him reach for his phone. Thinking Liv had texted, I checked mine as well but nothing. 

“What are you doing?”

“I am googling him right now.”

“Don’t…” I saw his eyes go wide.

“He won three Purple Hearts and a Medal of Honor?” He looked horror struck.

“This is only getting worse for me?”

“Your dad is GI Joe and you didn’t…”

“Supreme Commander Joe and his name is Tom, but yes.”

“He is going to kill me. No worse, he is going to call up some of his…” I saw the fear bubbling in his eyes.

“No he won’t.”

“You’re telling me that he won’t…”

“He doesn’t know you exist.” I said quickly.

“Wait you haven’t told him about me.”

“Well I wanted it to be a surprise when you meet on Sunday. But Mum promised to try and soften him up a bit on the idea of you.”

Except that he will see me and God I should have gotten the grey dyed out.”

“I think the grey is sexy.” I ran my hands through his hair.

“I don’t think your dad will feel the same way.”

“Look in the end what matters to him is that you treat me right and I think you treat me right nightly.” I winked at him. He did not look amused. “It is going to be fine murder is a crime in this country.” His face didn’t lighten.

On Saturday I got my standard once a week phone call from my dad. A remnant of my childhood. “So your mother tells me you have a new boyfriend.”

“She did…”

“I want to met this man.”

“You will at brunch this tomorrow.”

“She won’t tell me his name.” Good thinking mum, I thought.

“Because she doesn’t want you to Google him.”

“Why not? Is he some sort of criminal?”

“If he was he wouldn’t be able to practice law.” Never was I so thankful that there were hundreds of thousands of lawyers in this city.

“So he is a lawyer

“You two have more in common than you think. You both grew up in bad conditions with broken homes.” I almost immediately regretted saying that, knowing Rafael really didn’t like talking about his past.

“I grew up on Southside what prissy little…”

“He grew up in the Bronx dad.”

“Ok.” He sounded done.

“Love you dad.”

“I love you too munchkin.” The next day rolled around much too fast for my liking. 

“Ready?” I asked as we got out the car, in my parents driveway. 

“No.” He looked pale.

“But you’re here anyway.”

“Of course. I do not want to sink lower in your dad’s expectations.” I rang the doorbell, and it opened at once. No doubt my dad had been standing right behind it. 

“Munchkin how are you?”

“I am good Dad, how are the hydrangeas?

“Blooming.” He beamed at me. Dad loved gardening; it helped keep his blood pressure down.

“We brought wine.” I said holding up the bottle. I saw Rafael take a deep breath.

“I am Rafael Barba sir, nice to meet you.” 

“Tom LN.” Dad looked Rafael up and down but obviously couldn’t find anything that would allow him not to grant him entrance into the house. Most of brunch was silent, because Mum’s cooking was, as always, exemplary. 

“This is delicious Mum.”

“I thought you would like it. Rafael tell us more about your work.” I thanked God for my mother, she had obviously already accepted Rafael and wanted to make sure this meal went as smoothly as possible.

“I work in the DA’s office with YN, both of us primarily work with the Special Victims Unit.” I squeezed his leg under the table.

“You work with Olivia Benson?”

“Yes sir.”

“She is a good woman. I met her when she was investigating that Navy case.”

“The best.”

“Rafael prosecuted that case.” I interjected.

“I did.”

“Good job on that. The brass wasn’t too happy about the conviction.”

“I don’t care much about their feelings. It was about Katie getting the justice she deserves.”

“Oh I am not disagreeing with you, anything that upsets the brass is fine by me.”

“Dad you were the brass.”

“But I retained my individuality.” My mother rolled her eyes. Dad had always pushed to mix up the brass even when he was at the top. The rest of the meal was spent with comfortable chatting. Rafael and Dad got into a debate about Cubs vs. Yankees and Rafael charmed my mother with stories of his mother. After a while, dad brought out his best scotch, a good sign. Then as if he couldn’t hold it in any longer he asked.

“How old are you Rafael?”

“Forty Five.”

“So that’s.”

“Seventeen years yes Dad.”

“I am…”

“I love YN ok? I realize the optics aren’t good but I love her.” I felt my cheeks flame.

“You love me?” This was the first time he had said it. 

“Yeah.” I beamed at him.

“I love you too.”

“I am just worried.”

“About what exactly? He treats me well, shouldn’t that be the only measure of him?”

“Look it is not only about that, it’s about the experience gap, and you are just so young.”

“Would you rather me do the things that a normal 28 year old would do?” My cousin Romilda was a ’typical’ twenty year old.

“No.”

“Dad I have never been normal. I went to Harvard on a full ride. I spend my days helping put away the scum of the earth, I see acts of depravity that make Train Spotting like the PBS radio hour. Why shouldn’t I be happy?”

“YN told me about your fighter jet career…” Rafael interjected.

“No words to defend yourself?” My dad’s eyebrows rose.

“Excuse me sir?”

“I just questioned your relationship, no defense.”

“Not to be rude sir, but I do not need your permission to date your daughter, all I need is hers.” This silenced him, something that didn’t happen very often.

“He is processing,” my mother whispered, and standing up she asked. “How about some apple pie?”

“Yes please.” I said quickly hoping that this moment would get Dad to stop ‘processing’. For much of afternoon, Dad just listened to Rafael and I tell stories of work and our relationship. How we met, how he had asked me out, and about that case last week where I had delivered a strong closing argument. Around four we excused ourselves so we could drive back to the city. For the first time in what felt like hours Dad spoke.

“Rafael?”

“Yes sir.”

“If you hurt her…” Rafael smirked. 

“You’ll have speared me on the nose of one of your old planes?”

“Precisely,” and with that we left.


	40. Rising Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t swear you might be teaching sex offenders new words.” He gave me a tired smile. I could see that it had been a long day.

“Hi, I am looking for Rafael Barba, he is about to miss our anniversary dinner, and if he wants to stay my boyfriend he better get his ass out here.” I stood at the entrance to the SVU bullpen.

“Sure your name is?”

“YN LN.”

“Did you…?”

“Yes, I wrote Rising Sunset.”

“I have to say I am a…”

“Thank you and not to seem ungrateful but I would like to see my boyfriend.”

“YN.” I heard said boyfriend call from behind me. 

“Never mind.” I gave the desk clerk a small smile. 

“What are you doing here?”

“What’s today’s date Rafael?”

“It’s the… coño.”

“Don’t swear you might be teaching sex offenders new words.” He gave me a tired smile. I could see that it had been a long day. 

“I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be, I don’t like six monthaversies, I think they are stupid but I know you love them and I love you.”

“Barba we need you to… hold on you’re…” A lanky blonde detective had come out of the conference room. No doubt Carisi.

“Yes.“ All I wanted was to go to dinner. 

“I love Rising Dust.”

“Thank you, I never thought I would reach that many people.” I hadn’t anticipated any of this craziness when I had sent in my book to Bloomsbury. I had done it because I had just finished college with a degree in English and was rightfully depressed about it. 

“You have to sign my copy… please? Wait till I tell Amanda.” I turned to Rafael. 

“I didn’t know your coworkers are fans of mine.”

“I didn’t either.”

“You’re really her?” Blonde and a southern accent that must be Amanda. 

“Yes.” She punched Rafael in the arm.

“Ow.” He was incensed.

“You didn’t tell us that you were dating YN LN.”

“I didn’t think it was relevant.”

“How do you come up with your ideas?” That was Fin.

“I have a squirrel monkey that shits them.” I smiled at their astonished faces. “Caught you off guard didn’t I? When you do book tours you have to come up with interesting answers to keep from going insane.”

“You have to tell us everything.” I was dragged into a chair, and faced an attentive crowd.

“About what?” I did not want to have to “explain my process” mostly because it consisted of procrastination, Netflix, and a combination of Doritos and ice cream.

“How you and Barba met.” I smiled.

“Book signing…” 

“Yours or…”

“No Sonja Geode.”

“She wrote the Kingmaker Trilogy.”

“Yeah, she is a friend and was scared that no one would come and so I showed up to support her and of course it was packed. I stood in line and talked to people and Rafael was one of those people. He asked me to dinner and the rest is history.” It had been quiet cute, dinner had been amazing and the conversation even better. Who knew that an ADA had such a passion for literature. 

“That is adorable.” I nodded smiling.

“Ready?” Rafael asked, now actually wanting to get to dinner. That man and his weird loving romance quirks. As we sat in the restaurant and talked about our day. I told him about a conversation I had just had with my publisher.

“Did you know that Sand Magic came out twenty years ago?”

“Really?”  
“Yeah I was twenty five and so naive. They want to have some sort of weird 20-year anniversary party for it. I just think it is an elegant way of my publisher telling me that I need to write a new book soon. I cannot believe that I am forty-six years old. What have i achieved?”

“I am pretty sure you won a Pulitzer last year or did I just dream that?” I rolled my eyes. That had been a crazy weekend, full of press and amazing hotel sex. 

“I meant personally. You and I have been dating for a year and I have friend that are on their second husband and fifth kid.”

“You mean Maureen? She is a crazy person.” She was a serial dater, and was constantly on some sort of retreat with whoever was her new boy toy.

“She shows a larger trend I spent so much of my life writing and traveling. I never got to do the mother and wife thing and now its too late.” I hung my head. This has been spooking around my head for a while. 

“I don’t think so.”

“Come on me getting pregnant is like… I have a 3-4% conception possible. Even if conception were possible… the complications…” I was pretty sure he could see the tears in my eyes.

“Ok so we’ll adopt. I don’t care. I love you and that is all that counts.” The rest of the dinner was spent talking about everything and anything else. We decided, because it was what was sure to be one of the last nice fall nights in New York, to walk home. About half way home, it just kind of broke out of me.   
“I just wish that I could give you… I see your interns from Columbia. They are smart and beautiful and young…” I trailed off. It wasn’t jealously exactly. Jealously is usually directed at one person, this was just general annoyance. They seemed to have their whole life in front of them. He thought about it for a long moment.

“I guess, but guess what I love you and you are all those things.“

“Every now and then I look down at myself and think… God when did I get this old?” The tears had returned. 

“You think your old?”

“I am older than you.”

“By nineteen months, which is nothing. Plus I like an older woman.” He saw my face and quickly added “You and I did the same thing, we built our careers and put family on the back burner, which is fine. I am just happy I found you.”

“Ok.” I knew he meant well, but… my train of thought was cut short as I was pushed against the wall fiercely kissed. It wasn’t our normal quick peck or loving kiss after a long day; this was one of those with teeth.

“Unless you want us to get cited for public indecency I suggest we take this home."


	41. Back Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come on you’re going to wear that amazing gown, they are going to give you a really large key, and we are going to dance and drink.”

“Do I have to go to this?“ I whined, pulling on my heels.

“Yes.” Rafael replied for what felt like the hundredth time. 

“Why?”

“Because they are honoring you.”

“So what?”

“You won the case.” He pulled my pearl necklace from the nightstand; he brushed away my hair and lowered it onto my skin.

“I did my job.”

“Why are you so against this?”

“Because I don’t deserve this. Yes, I was in charge but others that helped. You, Liv, and even Carisi to everyone’s astonishment. Why do they pick me?”

“Because you’re beautiful.” He fastened the pearls and gave my cheek a quick peck. 

“Thanks.”

“Come on you’re going to wear that amazing gown, they are going to give you a really large key, and we are going to dance and drink.”

“But I wanted to watch The Roosevelts on the couch with you.”

He quirked his eyebrows at me. “You would rather watch a Ken Burns documentary than drink champagne and dance with me?”

“I mean it’s not like I don’t like dancing and drinking with you, but we can do that here.”

“You saved those kids.” Why did people insist on this, I get it I delivered some closing arguments. I needed everyone to recognize that this wasn’t because of what I had done, but who I was.

“By doing my job. You and I both know that that key doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to you or Liv, but when you’re the Governor’s daughter you get special treatment.”

“Ok maybe, but you put in an extraordinary day’s work and the mayor wants to say thanks.” This was one of the reasons he and I worked, he didn’t bullshit me. Ten minutes later he was still in the bathroom. Being married to him, I understand how every TV-husband feels before a night out.

“How am I done before you?” I paced up and down at the door. 

“Because you’re naturally beautiful.” I rolled my eyes, as he finished tying his bowtie. 

“Shut up, and how long can one person stare at themselves in the mirror?” It was his turn to roll his eyes and pull me out of the door.

As I strode them into the decked out ballroom, I whispered to Rafael. “You know who should get a key to the city? Liv, for every time she knocked out one of those motherfuckers.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” Ok, I didn’t hate all of these events. We did get to get dressed up, and tux sex is one of the best kinds of sex.

“Rafael.” I heard behind, and Rafael tensed visibly. Only one person could make him stiffen that way. He turned around and I saw the small smile he had been giving me a second ago turn into a tight business smile. 

“Alex, how are you? I don’t think you’ve met my wife YN?”

“No I haven’t had the pleasure.” I had held out my head for him to shake but he lifted it up and kissed the air above it. Ass kisser good to know. Yet I smiled broadly.

“Alex Muñoz, you my friend have done such a good job marrying the two oldest professions.” I saw the shock on his face, and I smiled a bit more. 

“Rafael, I didn’t know you had gotten married.” I saw a gleam appear in Alex’s expression. Yeah Enrique Trouble was here too. I felt Rafael’s arm tighten around my waist. 

“Yeah the invitation probably was flagged by Sing Sing. Or did we just not invite you? You decide.”

“Oh Yelina there you are.” A beautiful woman had strolled up in a shiny gold sheath. I felt Rafael tense even more. She was one of his deepest wounds, something that had never really healed. I took action.

“YN Barba, nice to meet you.” I didn’t like her, and it wasn’t ex-girlfriend jealousy. Ok it was a bit of that, but it was also that she was known to emotionally manipulate Rafael. 

“How are the girls?”

“Thriving.” If that what you wanted to call it. Two girls who had been used as props during a hard campaign and then had to endure the shame and mockery of having their dad publically condemned and sent to jail. 

“Good to hear and I hear congratulations are in order, YN I never thought anyone would get that animal.”

“It was a team effort.” It wasn’t Rafael who spoke next but Alex.

“She is being modest. The mayor himself told me about your closing argument. They are talking about adding it to the Library archive.” Still kissing ass at City Hall.

“Again none of that would be happening if I…” 

“Mrs. Barba”

“Yes.” I felt Rafael straighten up beside me. We had been married a year and he still got excited by people calling me Mrs. Barba.

“Before all the pomp and circumstance beings I wanted to congratulate you.” The mayor, a corpulent man who seemed to be getting shorter by the day, waddled up. 

“The pomp hasn’t started yet? Am I getting a cake with strippers in it?” I felt a silent laughter pass through Rafael. 

“That is the after party. So you have met Alex Muñoz.” Before I could answer, he answered for me.

“Yes she has, and you would agree wouldn’t you sir that she looks fantastic.” What did he want from me? 

“She does. Rafael Barba, I hear you might be applying for a judgeship.” Both of us tensed together. It was true, we had looked at it. How had the mayor known?

“I think that might be Rafael’s limit you know with his arrest record …” I saw Rafael go red, something that was usually reserved for me making fun of him at work. This was going to stop now, but my face must have betrayed me.

“You didn’t know? Our Rafi here is a hardened criminal.” I felt his eyes on my chest and then he put his hand on my arm. Rafael’s hold on my waist was almost painful, but there was nothing he could be doing right now. “Would you like to dance?” What was this now? Was he going to ask me for a campaign donation?

“Of course.” He led me out, and for the first couple of minutes we stayed silent then he leant in and whispered.

“Let me say you look amazing tonight, that gown is exquisite, but it is only window dressing what I am sure lies beneath.” I was shocked, how could he say that with his wife not five yards away.

“Excuse me?”

“I am just saying…” He seemed surprised by my answer. 

“You’re married… “

“It is an open relationship and…” I felt the message of what he was proposing really sink in.

“I am married asshole.”

“Come on we are just dancing, and when you can get a night off from that Harvard jackass and be with a real man.”

“You get your hands off me or you’ll regret it.” Rafael must have seen the change in my body language because he was beside me in a second. 

“Can I cut in?” His voice was on edge. Wordlessly Alex released me, and backed away.

“YN you ok?” He could feel me shaking. I didn’t like my choices made for me. 

“I am fine.” I didn’t have to look at him to know he wasn’t buying it, so I told him.

“We are leaving.” I could the barely suppressed rage in his voice. 

“Why? He is an asshole, he said some assholey things. It is not news.”

“Because if I have to stay one more second in the same room as that lowlife. I am going to forget that I am sworn to protect and serve and beat the living shit out of him.” I feel the anger course through him.

“How about this: we go and order Chinese food and good helping Ken Burns.” He smiled down at me. 

“There is the reason I agreed to marry you.”

“I thought you said it was for tax benefits?” I grabbed his hand and pulled him out past all of these people. They were going to have to give the key to themselves. An hour later we were sitting in matching Harvard sweatshirts on our couch, Ken Burns on the TV and our mouths full of Chinese food. But I couldn’t focus so I paused Ken Burns. He looked round, and I answered his questioning look.

“You have an arrest record?”

“I grew up in the Bronx not some fancy upstate…”

“Do not make fun of upstate. You need to tell all about it.”

“There is nothing to tell.”

“Bullshit. You have an arrest record Rafi, and you’re telling me there is no story.”

“There is, it’s just not interesting.”

“Ok fine, tell me this what was your mother’s reaction?” I could picture Lucia’s face at her precious baby boy breaking the law, but then I remembered that she had had a husband and Rafael had had a father, and the smile dropped from my face, and I whispered. “Your father?”

“I… it wasn’t a good week.” I wrapped my arms around him squeezing him for a second.

“It was worth it though.”

“What?”

“Ok fine, you remember Eddie right?” I smiled yeah I remembered the muscle. 

“Yes.”

“When we were seniors in high school his mom got sick. So he decided to steal money from that gang from PS109, and well he got caught and beat up by the gang bad.” He didn’t stop when he saw the horrified look on my face. “So me and Alex had to protect ourselves, and they did come after us. So to protect us, Alex got a gun. We never used it, but one night on our way home from debate practice they found us. They backed us into an alley. Alex pulled out the gun. There were three of them, but they needed us alive to get their money. So rather than killing us, they just kept us in check till the boss came. Except some neighbor saw them and called the cops, and the second that they arrived everyone split.” He took a shuddering breath.

“So you guys were safe?”

“Everyone split.”

“He left the gun didn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

“He got you a gun possession charge? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Look it’s not a big deal. I got to go to…”

“Was this before or after Harvard?”

“What?”

“Before or after you got into school?”

“After” he said quietly

“No wonder” I murmured.

“What?”

“Rafi he was playing you.” I felt my blood boil. 

“No he just couldn’t…”

“He was pissed that you got in and he didn’t. So he thought “lets fuck this up for Rafael and maybe they’ll take me”. What an asshole I have half a mind to…” I was halfway up, before he pulled me back down to the couch.

“He was a dumb kid and I was dumber.”

“No you weren’t. He just made you feel that way. For what it’s worth, I think an arrest record is kind of hot.”


	42. Scotch on the Stoop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What about me? Your first thought isn’t about the fact that another man just put his hands on me without my consent. It it’s the fact that his girlfriend’s feelings might get hurt?”

“How could he? His poor…” Rafael looked aghast, but nothing to what my face looked probably like. We were walking down the street to the Phoenix club, all dressed up and ready to suck up to whatever law firm might want to hire us after school. I had just told him how John Steinbeck had treated me during our supposed study group.

“Your first thought is his girlfriend?”

“What?”

“What about me? Your first thought isn’t about the fact that another man just put his hands on me without my consent. It it’s the fact that his girlfriend’s feelings might get hurt?”

“YN…”

“No, don’t… does it really run that deep? I have done nothing but love you. It was you and me, but it turns out you’d rather it be you and her. Which I guess is fine, but you shouldn’t have lied about it.”

“YN!” We were on the doorstep; the party inside was in full swing.

“No don’t do this here. We have to keep smiling for the cameras and the rich old white men. Embarrass me in private all you want, but not in public.” I needed tonight to go well. I wanted the Plimpton internship, and tonight was the perfect chance to get it.

“I am not trying to…”

“I don’t care Rafael. I am going to stay with Rita for a while after tonight.”

“Y…” But I had found one of Plimpton’s co-founders.

“Mr. Hemingway is that you?”

“YN LN how you have grown.”

“Yeah, I had to leave my ‘running into cabinet meetings unannounced’ days behind me.” All I needed to do was laugh at a couple of unfunny jokes, and not embarrass myself.

“Dean Fitzgerald speaks very highly of you.” He had seen my record, good that means they were interested. 

“Oh why thank you sir.” I had hook and line, I just needed the sinker.

“Who is this young man?” But before I could push him out of the way Rafael introduces himself. 

“Rafael Barba sir.”

“Ah the kid from the Bronx.” Both of us tensed, all the hard work that Rafael had put in, and everyone still saw him as the scholarship kid. “The dean has nothing but praise for you as well and are you two…”

“Yes sir.” Damnit Rafael. 

“Stick with her kid she is going places.” With that he strode off. 

“I’m gonna be over there at the bar, drinking a lot, if anybody needs me.” I sat down at the elegant bar, and answered the bartender’s questioning look. “Bourbon on the rocks.”

“YN.”

“You know why this is called bourbon and not just whiskey?” I needed not to have this conversation here. 

“Because it is made in the bourbon region of France.”

“Damn I told you that right? Do me a favor and leave me alone for the rest of the night.” I got my drink and started sipping.

“What?” He thought he had a shot, how cute.

“Please, I am going to drink this and get in a cab in get home and I’ll be back for my stuff tomorrow morning…”

“No I can…”

“No, I’ll be there tomorrow, go have fun. Go make connections. I am not going to be a lot of fun for the next couple of hours.” A couple of hours later and wasn’t really sure how I ended up on his doorstep, still in my dress and in the middle of a New England winter.

“YN what are you doing here? You must be freezing.”

“I’m fine.” I brought the bottle to my lips. I hadn’t even bothered covering it. 

“I see you brought the bottle.”

“Yeah I am pretty sure I overpaid for it but I couldn’t stand it anymore. All of those people being pleasant because they want something not because of genuine human empathy.”

“Take my jacket.” Before I could protest, he had taken it off and draped it around my shoulders. “You are going to get frostbite and I am not going to be responsible.” I rolled my eyes, how was it this simple to talk to him? I was still mad at him. But in my drunken state I couldn’t quite remember why. “Give me a swing of that.” I passed over the bottle. I glued my eyes to the car on the opposite side of the street.

“I am sorry by the way.”

“For what?” He put his arm around me.

“For what I said earlier, I know you were just as sickened by what he did. I overreacted and… Look I studied a lot in school. I studied hard in high school and at Yale and now here. My IQ doesn’t break the bank and I wanted to do this, so I studied all the time. And I missed something … I never learned what you do in a situation like this.” A small smile played around his lips, and he simply kissed me. I smiled back.

“I think I am going to need a couple more lessons.”


	43. Satisfied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then a ruffled Rafael came into view. As much as you could ruffle Rafael Barba, and he was good looking, I had never figured out what it was exactly. Was it the amazingly tailored suits, or those smart green eyes…? Pull yourself together Angelica.

“Rafael Eduardo Barba you’re late.” I tapped my foot. I had been standing in the SVU bullpen for twenty minutes. 

Then a ruffled Rafael came into view. As much as you could ruffle Rafael Barba, and he was good looking, I had never figured out what it was exactly. Was it the amazingly tailored suits, or those smart green eyes…? Pull yourself together Angelica.

“I am sorry Angie.” He said signing some sort of paperwork for Liv. The bow tie hung loosely around his neck, and that that tux looked like it had been sown with only him in mind. What that bow tie would look like on my floor…? 

“I paid way to much for these tickets…” He laughed, a laugh set my heart aflame.

“You didn’t pay anything, your brother made the dumb thing.” He was right of course, Lin had spent the last ten years working on this play. Now it was here, opening night.

“Don’t let him hear you say that. The Times is there tonight, and I think he might have an aneurysm. To think that this came out of us watching The West Wing every week. To think I used to be the favorite child. I guess a PhD doesn’t count for what it used to.” 

I shrugged, he came towards me and gave me a quick hug, but that was enough to turn me back into a puddle of a girl. 

I had no idea when this had started. One day I was looking at him, and realized I wanted to stare at that face for the rest of my life. By the time I had realized it Pippa had come into Rafael’s life, and I couldn’t hurt her. She had done nothing but be sweet to me from the moment I met her. Though I doubted that would stay the same if I told her about what I fantasized about at night. 

“It could also be that your brother wrote the most successful musical in the history of Broadway.”

“Don’t let him hear that either.”

“Dr. Miranda.” I heard from behind me, a blonde beanstalk detective ambling up to us.

“Sonny, you can call me Angelica or Angie or Ange or whatever the hell you want.” The lanky detective smiled, why could I have not fallen for someone like him, sweet and more importantly available. 

“I like whatever the hell you want.”

“Ha ha too funny Sonny, go do whatever you do to draw a salary.” I heard Rafael snap close his briefcase, and hand it to Liv, she would probably lock it in her office till tomorrow.

“Ready?” I just smiled, the truth was I would have run out of a lecture or a staff meeting just to walk around the block with him.

“Have fun you two.” Liv called. 

The cold air hit us the second we stepped outside. Winter in the city was something very special, and tonight it was bitingly cold. I had conveniently forgotten to bring a jacket. I knew it wasn’t the most ethical thing, but I needed just a bit of comfort.

“You want my jacket, actually that isn’t a question. Here take it.” He took off his coat and draped it over my shoulders. His hand brushed the exposed skin, it was accidental but it sent a lighting bolt up my spine.

I felt my heart speed up. I spent the next couple of blocks trying to get it to beat at a normal rhyme again.

“Did you check the script for historical inaccuracies again?” He smiled at me; I had been one of Lin’s consultants on the actual history that his creation was based on. 

“Shut up.” 

He changed his voice to what he probably thought was a good impression of me.

“But Lin, Hamilton didn’t actually punch the bursar and Angelica was already married at the time she met Hamilton.” In spite of myself I smiled.

“Yeah and Jefferson’s resignation and Washington’s farewell address were three years apart. But my dear brother has decided to take “creative license”.” 

“So you’re still pissed?”

“He has a sister who has a PhD in this stuff, and he decides that historical inaccuracies are ok.” I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t actually mad, he had tried his best when it came to the history, and some history just wasn’t made for Broadway.

“But didn’t you say that those changes were minor and that the over arching part of the play was not only tonally correct but also captured the essence of the time.” I smiled at him again. 

I remembered the day I had met Rafael, funnily enough I had met him through Lin. They met at a performance of Company, and fallen hard in musical nerd love. You wouldn’t think of Rafael as a musical person, but his apartment was full of playbills and old musical records.

“Backstage?” I asked when we got there. When we got through we saw Lin pacing, the family sign of extreme nervousness and stress.

“Hey Lin.” He didn’t look up and kept pacing.

“Breathe. The play is amazing and you’re great. Victory will be yours, you will drink from the keg of glory and tomorrow morning I will get you the finest muffins and bagels in the land.” He stopped pacing and smiled at me. “I also got you something…” I pulled the small wrapped present out of my bag. 

“What is it?” He took off the large bow. He starred down at the picture frame for a minute.

“Oh Angie…” I could hear the tears forming in his voice. Framed in a simple black frame was a napkin that read “Miranda for America”.

“People are and will be lining up around the block for you.” Through his tears he laughed.

“You want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?”

“I’ll go outside and turn around and spit three times if it makes you feel better.” Lin finally saw Rafael.

“Rafael I didn’t… thanks for coming.” They hugged, those two were peas in a pod. They were the only two grown men that I knew that regularly brunched together. 

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“God, I can do this.”

“Hell yeah.”

“You know she always says she didn’t have any hand in writing the actual play but…” I put an elbow in his ribs. 

He was the one who guessed when I had first fallen head over heals for Rafael. So one evening after dinner he had simply asked for some help with wording, and it had kind of just spilled out. 

“Don’t sell yourself short, you helped with the lyrics.”

“What because it turns out a lot of things rhyme with Burr.” That wasn’t exactly true it had been more concrete than that, but Rafael didn’t need to know that. Soon after that we left to find our seats, and of course Rafael couldn’t let this go.

“Come on tell me, what song was it?” He smirked at me. If he only knew.

“It’s not important.”

“I want to know, you are always like “I am not musically inclined”… yet you can sing and now you can write.”

“I can hold a note and I wrote some lyrics that’s all.” Before he could say anything the curtain went up. I had seen it many times before, so I just watched his face. I saw the wonder and beauty of the play reflected there. I saw the tears leaking out of his eyes even after we walked out the door.

“Tell me what you wrote? I mean the whole thing is so tidy…” I needed to get this out, just this little bit of me.

“I wrote part of Satisfied, ok?” My cheeks flushed and I felt tears rising in my throat. He didn’t say anything for a while, and honestly I didn’t know if I wanted him to say anything. 

“I never asked but did your parents name you…”

“Yeah my mom….” I took a deep shuddering breath, and hoped he wouldn’t comment. “Read the Chernow book and fell in love with her and so named me after her.” 

She had been the reason we were here today; she had been a high school history teacher that inspired me and my brother to love history in all its facet. After about two blocks, he asked. 

“So why Satisfied?” Oh God, I could totally tell him, right here right now. Screw the consequences. I took a breath and… Rafael’s phone rang. He picked up and his face softened… Pippa.

“Pippa… yeah we are just on our way home from the theater, I’ll tell you all about it when I get home… Te amo.” 

He kept walking me all the way to my door, I wanted to argue but didn’t, because I was so scared that he would see reason and leave, and I just wanted a few more minutes of his company.


	44. Ticklish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fuck off.” This woman taught kindergarteners, yet she cursed like a sailor. A woman full of contradictions.

“Good morning.” I whispered in YN’s ear. I just heard her groan. For a teacher she hated getting up early, something about how minds weren’t ready to learn at that hour. 

“In civilized society we say good morning back.” I always woke up early; it was part of having a paper route when I was growing up. Five am wakeup call was normal. 

“Fuck off.” This woman taught kindergarteners, yet she cursed like a sailor. A woman full of contradictions.

“Come on you have to get to work.”

“I hate work.” She rolled over, and stuffed her head under her pillow. 

“No you don’t.”

“Those snot nosed motherfuckers can take care of themselves. Why can’t their parents teach them that eating chalk is bad?”

“Because that’s what the Trinity School pays you the big bucks for.” If you met her you would never thought she taught at a prestigious school or the fact that she was really good at it.

“Fine let the nannies take care of the chalk.” No, I knew I had to get her out of bed so i simply took both her and my blankets away. She started to whine. She did look cold but cold meant she would get up.

“Lets go.”

“No I am protesting these inhuman conditions.” I knew there was only one way to get her out of bed, so I started to tickle her. She started shrieking with laughter; at least she was awake now

“What…” she collapsed back into giggle. “Are you five?”

“This seems to be the only way to get you out of bed.” I smirked, but so did she. She pulled me down by my collar and kissed me. I saw stars, she had this way of making everything else not matter, that it was her and nothing else, but then it dawned on me she was distracting me. Before I knew it she had stolen back both blankets.

“Haha I win!” She snuggled back into bed. She was so painfully easy. I took the blankets back and pulled her legs towards me, but she had been ready, she wound herself out of my grasp and started running around the apartment. The good thing about her apartment it was easy to navigate and trap her into a corner. After a couple of minutes I had finally chased her into the bathroom. I heard her gasping inside.

“Ok you win this round but beware…” I smiled to myself, and started making breakfast for her to go. Fifteen minutes later she emerged looking like you would think a prep school teacher would look: charcoal suit and sight bun the only difference was she still was wearing her devious smile. I handed her a muffin and her morning coffee.

“Here you go.”

“Thanks” she planted a large red lipstick kiss on his cheek. “You know me the second I come home you’re going to get it, you have to remember that I have a classroom full of tickle experts at my command, so be warned.” She swept out of the apartment, and Rafael couldn’t remember the last time he had been this happy.


	45. Lightly Stabbed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Lightly stabbed.” His face alternated between genuine concern and laughter.

I hadn’t seen the knife coming, had I… I wasn’t sure what I would have done. Here I was in my own hospital room. It had happened in court, there I was giving closing arguments, and I before I knew it there was a knife in me. It had been white-hot pain and then blackness. The first thing I had seen when the darkness cleared was Rafael’s face.

“YN you ok?”

“I am fine.” I tried to sit up but he pushed me back.

“You were stabbed.” He sounded worried. It hadn’t been that bad, right?

“Lightly stabbed.” His face alternated between genuine concern and laughter. 

“Mrs. LN…” A timid doctor stepped into the room he looked about 15. They were getting younger and younger.

“Ahh let me guess it has something to do with the knifing?”

“YN.” Rafael warned, but left quickly after but only when I promised he could buy me lunch the next day. 

“So Doc tell me about the knifing.”

“You are incredibly lucky the knife did almost no damage, but the real wonder is that the baby perfectly healthy.” 

“Thank you… wait baby? Me?” My brain couldn’t process.

“Oh you didn’t…”

“No, I didn’t know… I am pregnant?”

“Yeah, from what I can see about 3 weeks a long.”

“I have been pregnant for three weeks and didn’t notice?” I tried to review everything was so slow. 

“Were you feeling tired and…”

“Well yeah but I always feel tired and cranky it is kind of a default setting with me.” It had to be, with the hours that I was working. 

“We can recommend an obstetrician if you would like.”

“Thank you.”

“We also have a list of dos and don’ts, no alcohol, no drugs…”

“Damn it and I wanted to try that sweet new cocaine place on 43 street.” He looked like he was about to faint. “It’s ok doc what else?”

“Though there is disagreement, I would lower caffeine intake.” That wasn’t nothing.

“… No more coffee?”

“Are high pressure situations common in your line of work?” I smiled, the life of an ADA in New York City; especially one working close with SVU was never relaxed. When I got out of the hospital my brain kicked into overdrive. It all came crashing down around me. I am pregnant like really pregnant and three weeks ago…. It had been a long week and we had just won the Casio case… there was scotch and… 

-POV CHANGE-

“Sushi?’ I held out a tray.

“Thanks.” She took it and tried to avoid my eyes. After a moment of unbearable silence, her phone rang. She almost ran out. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I heard her phone call nonetheless. “Thanks for the prescription how about next week? Wednesday for the ultrasound?” I couldn’t process… she was pregnant. “I didn’t see you….”

“You’re pregnant?”

“Yeah.”

“Who? When? Were?”

“You, three weeks ago, and I are pretty sure your office couch.” She finally looked at me, and she smiled.

“You and me?”

“Yeah, look I know this is a lot and I wanted to do it a lot better than having you overhear the conversation, but now that here we are. I get it we aren’t exactly in a loving committed relationship…” Something just clicked; it was going to her and me. “I wouldn’t want you staying out of some sort of twisted commitment good guy complex.” She was what I wanted. I loved her. I needed to show her that I have always loved her.

“I just told you that I was pregnant and your response is to walk away?”

-POV CHANGE-

He had just gotten up, and left. What did I expect? What did I want from him? He came back with a notepad full of scribbles. There were tons of attempts at some sort love note. It took a second, but I realized they were all dressed to me. They dated back months. He had been trying to tell me all along… I felt myself both laughing and crying at the same time. Damn hormones.

“You are such a dork.” He smiled and kissed me; it was different than the last time. This was loving and supportive and the start to something strange and beautiful.


	46. Band Gazebo (High School AU)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look I am perfectly ok I am just… having indigestion.” He was getting to me; maybe it was his eyes softened when he talked about things he loved.

“42%.” 

“51%.” I felt heat rise my cheeks. 

Today nothing was going right, my AP Government paper had not printed with the correct margins. Now here I was doing debate prep with Barba, the mock trial this weekend was going to be fierce, but we could do it. 

If I could get my facts straight. They were simply not sticking in my head correctly. I knew why my head wasn’t screwed on straight today. Something Amanda had said the night before. We did girls night every two weeks or so: movies, gossip, and food. 

Somehow we had gotten onto the topic of Rafael Barba. She had only knowingly smiled at me, and said, “I see the way he looks at you, and if you were honest with yourself so would you.”

“Yes 51% of cows.”

“Sheep.” He rolled his eyes. He had had it with me screwing up. I got it, he was right it just wasn’t working today. 

“Sheep it is.”

“You were supposed to have this down.” He swung his legs from the desk and started to walk up to me. 

“I do.” I swerved to avoid him

“Then why are you not? I know it’s not performance anxiety. What’s got you?”

“I am fine.” I started wringing my hands. This was all too much. I started pacing. Amanda’s words kept replaying in my head “I see the way he looks at you.” Was he looking that way now? What did that mean for us? Did I want it to mean anything?

“No you’re not.” 

“Look I am perfectly ok I am just… having indigestion.” He was getting to me; maybe it was his eyes softened when he talked about things he loved.

“I have seen you 2 days old Chinese food.” I gave him a small smile.

“So, what? It was good, that wasn’t the point I just… Forget it. I’ll be right as rain tomorrow.” I started packing up.

“No.” His voice was hard. 

“No what?” I couldn’t deal with him today, I needed to go home and sort out my head and deal with this tomorrow.

“No you won’t be, I have never seen you like this. You made a kid bawl because you completely annihilated his argument, and you were gleeful about it.” He wasn’t wrong, but this was different, this was personal. 

“Did it win us the round, and more importantly why do you care?” He had never shown the slightest interest in me, unless what Amanda had said was true.

“Because I want to win.” That hurt. 

“Have I ever let you down?” This was getting even more personal, me doubting myself was normal. Him doing it was worse.   
“No but…” 

“There you go with the but again.” 

“It is attached to me.” It took me a second but then I caught up with him. 

“… Oh… very funny you get an A+ in humor, can you leave me alone now?”

“I just want to make sure…” This wasn’t caring this was damage control. 

“We have been debate partners for how long?”

“Three years.”

“In all of that time have I ever underperformed due to something in my control?” I knew the answer; this is why worked well together. We delivered.

“No. I should leave you alone.” At least he knew when to quit… usually. 

“Oh how you know me.” I left my bag in the corner and started to pace again. He stuck his head back in the door and asked

“If you need someone to talk…” I smiled at him. 

“That’s sweet, but I am good.” How do you tell someone you have spent every weekend with for the past three years that they gave you butterflies when they spoke, or that you liked to watch them construct their arguments and not only for debate prep reasons. So I did the only thing I could and called Amanda.

“So you like him?”

“Yes.” I felt my shoulders slump. It was no use. I had no idea when this had happened but it had and I needed to deal with it, or not. 

“Uhh…”

“Amanda you are in high school.”

“So what live a little.” She sat on the edge of the desk that had not ten minutes before housed Barba’s feet. 

“You say a word and I will end you.” I loved Amanda, but she liked to gossip, and I couldn’t have this getting out. Before she could reply the door open and a fresh faced lanky teenage boy stuck his head in.

“Hey baby doll.”

“Ahh Carisi you overgrown scarecrow. How are you?” Contrary to popular belief I liked Sonny Carisi. He had done wonders for Amanda. He had supported her all summer while she had been away at rehab. 

“Bad day in debate prep. Barba clean your clock?”

“Yeah he did.” I was going to kill her. I did not need Sonny involved in this. 

“Take her home Sonny, before I punch her in the face.”

“No I want to stay.” She smiled at him and he smiled at her. They were quite cute. 

“Then lets stay.”

“Is this because I called you an overgrown scarecrow?”

“No it’s because you switched the sugar and salt in my kitchen.” I smiled; Rafael and I had had a Thursday evening off. 

“Do you put sugar in your coffee now?”

“No.”

“You see I saved you some necessary calories.”

“Sonny I have a secret.” She giggled. I rolled my eyes.

“Yes Doll.”

“You say a word and I will everyone, about your little make out session in the Mrs. Benson’s classroom…” I had caught the two in a pretty heated make out session, after they had gone back to “collect their books”. 

“You wouldn’t…”

“People get awfully lonely…” 

“She likes Barba.”

“Amanda Anne Rollins.” I hissed.

“So you like Barba?”

“No I don’t.” I could feel my cheeks redding. 

“Well that is going to make Sunday’s debate one to watch.”

“Come on guys, this isn’t middle school. There are no longer hot or not lists.”

“Well for you there would only be one name on that list.” I rolled my eyes again. Barba walked up.

“Hi guys.” Amanda nudged me.

“Blush much?” 

“I am about to shove you down stairs.”

“This is a one level school.” Barba quipped behind me. 

“Thanks for the back up.”

“Just make sure to go over the energy subsides notes…”

“I…”

“Did you win today’s debate?”

“No.” We had a long-standing tradition of whoever won debate prep for the week gets to make the other do something.

“So you will go over the notes?”

“I am going to shove them up your ass.”

“Ah ah ah you need to be nice to me you made your bet.”

“Fine Rafael you were wonderful today, have I told you that your collard shirts look… wonderful?“

“Sarcasm is the weapon of the weak.” I stuck my tongue out at him.

“What would have happened if YN had won?”

“She would have picked out my outfits for a week.”

“It would have been glorious too. All so mismatched.”

“Sharing clothes already?” I was going to wring that scarecrows neck. “Come on doll lets leave these two alone.” He put an arm around Amanda. When she passed Rafael, she pulled him close and whispered in his ear. I saw a blush bloom on his cheek.

“What did she tell you?”

“Nothing.” 

“I have seen you strung out after being up for 72 hours and on your 100th cup of coffee and I have never seen you blush. So come on, what did she tell you?”

“She said that band practice had canceled for the day.”

“Ok…”

“Which means the band gazebo is empty.”

“No shit Sherlock.” He took my face in his hands, and kissed me. The world stopped, I forgot where I was.

“What the hell?”

“Wanna go to the band gazebo?” He asked and held out his hand.


	47. 0 Fucks Given

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “First off language old man. I thought we were going to have lunch, and what the hell is wrong?”

“What the hell Y/N? Liv and…” Rafael had hung up the phone and returned to our in office lunch. 

“First off language old man. I thought we were going to have lunch, and what the hell is wrong?” 

“You have no right to withhold our victim.” That what this is about, at three in the morning this 16 year old girl walked into my ER covered in cuts and burns.

“The evidence is so circumstantial, it actually lives three blocks over in conjecture town.” 

“Ok, she is not your victim, she is a victim which makes her in need of medical care. She is living in that house with a father that is raping her. Stockholm syndrome does not even begin to describe it. She needs around the clock care. The only reason I am not by her bedside right now is because I wanted to spend 30 minutes with you, before I go back and try to help that girl regain a sense of herself, and start to heal. I understand you want to get this man, but without me and without her being able to break her dependence on her father, you are never going to be able to build a case. So how about you stick your briefs up your ass, and have lunch with me. Look I brought you a salad, and this time it’s not from the hospital cafeteria.”

“Salad seriously?” He looked personally affronted.

“No of course not silly, I brought you a sandwich from Cursos.” I smiled at him, and he echoed it. 

“Dios mio what did I do to deserve you?”

“I am not sure.” We started eat in silence.”

“Look about Sarah.” 

“I accept your apology.” 

“I wasn’t going to apologize.” I rolled my eyes.

“Why the hell not. I am helping her and all your trying to do retraumatize her as fast as possible.”

“I am trying to get justice for her.” I smiled softly.

“Maybe but your not doing her justice. She is a little girl she needs time to heal, to process what has happened to her. From what Liv told me this has been going on for years, probably since before she was a teen. Everything she knows is colored by this.” I got up, and started pacing the room.

“I understand that.”

“No you don’t.” I am not sure when he had gotten this hardened look around his eyes.

“I do, I just…can you tell me anything about her?”

“And break confidentiality? No, and it’s not because I don’t care about her or you, it’s because it I will lose me my licence and with that any chance of being employed ever again.”

“I need this.” I stat back down and took his face in my hands. 

“Exactly but it isn’t about you now is it.”

“Y/N…” He put his hands on mine.

“I get it. I saw her, but that is the reason I have to protect her Rafael I can’t just go off giving out her information but you knew that.”

“I just want to catch the bastard that did this.” I saw the terror in his eyes from his own childhood. 

“I get that but I am not going to let you retraumatize her with your questioning.”

“This guy could be out there doing this to other girls.”

“And I am sympathetic to that but they aren’t my concern. She is my patient and I am not going to change that for whom I am seeing.” He closed his eyes.

“I am so sorry that I am a conflict of interest.”

“You are and i take that into consideration, but I am not compromising for you or anyone else. The only people who have say in her life are me, her, and her mom.”

“I am trying.”

I kissed his forehead and said.

“And I love you for it.”


	48. Brother Dearest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I woke up in Rafael’s apartment to the smell of waffles.

I woke up in Rafael’s apartment to the smell of waffles. I got up smiling, everything was good. Rafael was making breakfast and we were going to have a good day, there had been no calls all weekend. No cases, no paperwork. I had a couple of hours before my shift so rather than getting dressed, I just snatched up Rafael’s blue dress shirt from yesterday. I opened the door and leaned against the frame “Rafael I am going…” 

I saw Liv standing in the kitchen holding a file, I should have known our luck wasn’t going to hold. “Lieutenant … ok I’m …” I simply turned heel and ran back into bed.

I heard Rafael saying “Liv we can explain.” and I heard Liv’s response, “I don’t think an explanation is needed. My office in an hour.” Oh God. I heard the door shut and Rafael approaching and felt him sit down on the bed.

“Cariño you can come out now.” I sat up and he pulled me close.

“Oh God.”

“Cariño.” He looked deeply concerned by the look on my face which must have been true terror. 

“No, oh God she is going to kill me she… Sonny, he will kill you we will both be dead by the end of the day.” This is what happened when you followed your brother into the NYPD, and then to SVU.

“She won’t tell him.” He kissed the top of my head. 

“She won’t have to. I have never been able to lie to him, and Liv has seen evidence. Teresa, Bella, and Gina they can lie, I can’t. I think that’s the reason I never did anything…” 

“Maybe this is a good thing.” How could he say something like that? 

“How? He’s going to tell everyone in my family and my dad will have a million questions.” I had always been closest with my dad, everyone else in our family had always been so loud and quite frankly strange.

“And is that such a bad thing? You talk to your dad at least once a week…”

“This is different ok I… my family is crazy.” 

“Not worse than mine.” 

“Oh come on you can’t pull this on me.”

“Why not? You have a loving family I never…”

“Ok fine, I’ll talk to Sonny but if he shoots you it’s not my fault.” He chuckled, it was funny every little laugh from him meant more to me than a million smiles from anyone else.

“I thought you would protect me?”

“Yeah and have to explain to my mother that I killed precious boy? Yeah no.” He kissed me, and we spent the next hour eating waffles and not talking about what we were facing at work. 

“So when did this start?” Liv did not look as mad as I thought she would be, it helped that ever since we left his apartment Rafael hadn’t let go of my hand.

“Six months ago after the Drengo case.”

“Wait the little boy that was kidnapped?”

“Yes and after we found him there was scotch and…” 

“Lt. you have … Y/N what are you doing here, and Barba, is there a case?” I saw his eyes darting all over our faces, and when he saw mine he asked “YN what are you not telling me?”

“Nothing.” I tried though I knew it would be futile, but it wasn’t Sonny that spoke next but Rafael.

“Oh wow you really can’t lie, how did you ever pass the academy interrogation test? Look Sonny your sister and I have been together for about six months and I…”

“Six months?! Y/N and you haven’t told me?”

“Carisi.”

“No I will get to you later. Y/N six months?” All I could do was nod, but Olivia was my saving grace.

“How about we get back to police business, both of you will file with 1PP and IAB by the end of the day.”

“Yes ma’am.” I got up and tried as inconspicuously as possible get back to my seat, but I should have known that with my luck…

“Nice going Barba.” Fin called with a smirk on his face.

“No Fin.” I just needed my seat and some paperwork.

“Barba now it makes sense, well I…” Amanda winked at me, and I went even redder I had told her everything about our relationship of course without mentioning Barba’s name.

“Wait you two discuss?” I saw Sonny’s face go blank. 

“What we discuss is our business. We get together every week and we have lunch and trade stories it’s called having friends you should try it, or would you rather go back to Rollins’ and ‘cook her dinner’”

“Are you about done?” Sonny was getting angrier and angrier, “because you and I are going to have some words.” He wasn’t pointing at me now he was pointing at Barba.

“No you aren’t.”

“Y/N let him, it’s his right.”

“No it isn’t, you are supposed to be on my side. It’s not Sonny’s business what I do.”

“Y/N of course it’s my business, I am your big brother.”

“So what last time I checked I was over the age of 21, and could take of myself.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t have responsibility for you.” 

I was about to retort but the phone on my desk started to ring.

“We aren’t done.”


	49. Brother Dearest Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look, I am sorry I didn’t tell you.” As fate would have it, Sonny and I were sitting on a stakeout together. Part of me thought Liv did on purpose.

“Look, I am sorry I didn’t tell you.” As fate would have it, Sonny and I were sitting on a stakeout together. Part of me thought Liv did on purpose.

“It’s fine.” For most that would have been it but I knew Sonny to well. 

“No you’re still pissed.”

“No… ok maybe a little. I just thought we told each other everything. You told me when you had your first kiss, and you’re first date, or when Bobby Fisher broke your heart.” I smiled; Sonny and I had always had a close relationship.

“You told me to punch him in the face.”

“Did it make you feel better?”

“A little, till Ma found out. My point is its has been a long time since then ok?” 

“I just thought.” Sonny hung his head.

“That you knew everything?” He melted my heart. “But you haven’t known everything for a long time, I mean I am more than happy to tell you everything that I have told Amanda.” His head snapped up. 

“God no.”

“How do you think I feel every week? I am an adult and there are things that you aren’t going to know.”

“I know that deep down, but is it so bad to want to keep you 15?”

“You better not make this some sort macho pissing contest.”

“When have I?” I rolled my eyes, Sonny had always been protective of me. “Ok fine but he better not…”

“What? Kiss his girlfriend at work?”

“Yeah there is such a thing as decorum.”

“Amanda grabbed your ass last week when you were getting coffee.” 

“I…”

“Remember we work in a bullpen, Fin and I see everything.”

“Alright but I am still your big brother.”

“And I really like this guy ok? You have never approved of my boyfriends.”

“And I was always right. And you are going to have to tell Ma.”

“Oh no.” He smirked

“You do you need to tell her, cause I if you don’t I will.”

“No you won’t, you will keep your trap shut.”

“Oh this is going to be great on Sunday.” Every Sunday we trek to Staten Island for family dinner. It was usually a nice reprieve from the dark workweek, but it was also crazy.

“You tell her, and I tell her about your southern peach.”

“Fine mutual silence plus Gina will have some sort of story anyway.”

We got off sometime after 2. Rafael was waiting at the precinct, and of course Sonny mentioned dinner. 

“You don’t want me to come?”

“No, who ever thought this is going great, lets get Donna and Dominick Carisi involved?” I saw the smile forming on Barba’s face. “Yes my brother is jr. My family is very Italian.”

“So your telling me Godfather jokes are off the table?”

“Yes, and you aren’t coming.”

“Why not?”

“Because… they are crazy, and… Look I love what we have but they are as aforementioned crazy.” He couldn’t imagine what they were like. No one could. 

“Y/N ready to go?” Sonny came over pulling on his leather jacket. 

“Do we have to go?”

“Either we go or they come here.”

“Oh God, lets go.” The last time that they came, it resulted in all of us not talking for a month.

I leaned over and gave Rafael a kiss. “Bye.”

“Y/N!” 

“Ficcati una barca in culo con i remi aperti (Stuff a boat with oars open in your ass.).” 

Rafael murmured in my ear.“I have no idea what you said but it sounded insulting.” 

“I’ll educate you all about it when I get back.” Sonny rolled his eyes and walked away. 

“I love the ferry.” I said hanging over the railing. “It is 20 minutes of peace before the eventual and inevitable explosion.”

Bella opened the door, looking like she had already spent hours with Ma.

“YN, Sonny, there you are the tortellini is almost done.”

“Bella? How is little Maxine?” 

“Wonderful she is right through there.”

“Tommy still going to therapy?” Sonny asked, after what happened to him, Sonny had taken a special interest in his recovery. 

“Yes he is getting better, and the nightmares are getting less.”

“Y/N, Sonny, finally you have to meet Tony.” That was Gina all cheetah print and big hoop earrings. 

“Tony?”

“He is my new boyfriend.”

“That seems to be going around.” Sonny whispered. I shoved my elbow into his side, and followed Bella and Gina to the dining room. There I saw an Adonis. All sculpted muscle and…

“So that is Tony, Gina you picked very well.”

“Y/N.” Sonny looked appalled. 

“I am just appreciating the male form, it’s like a fine sculpture.” 

“So you’re detectives?”

“Yep.”

“Cops in the house that’s always good. Got your gun on you?”

“Yes.”

“Which means they go in the safe.” Ma swept into the room holding a dish full of something that smelt wonderful. ”You know how I feel about guns in my house. Never thought I would raise cops.”

“With five children, 2 of them being duds isn’t so bad.” That was Dad he walked in the room and took it up.

“Yeah with a father like you, who would have thought?” Sonny and I still hadn’t told anyone that our dad used to work for Murder Inc.

“Safe YN MN Carisi.” Sonny and I went to the hallway safe.

“You like winding her up.”

“So what? You make another comment like you did at the door and I will tell them everything.”

“Never again scout’s honor.” He winked at me, as he walked back to the dining room.

“You weren’t in the scouts, Ma didn’t want you associating with an “organization that was so backwards that it couldn’t find its own ass”” Ma had always been very into making sure that everyone got their fair share, that included equality in the boy scouts. After we had dinner, and mom was bringing out desert. Key Lime Pie tonight. 

“So Teresa what is up with you?”

“Since when do you care?” I rolled my eyes.

“Oh come on you’re not still mad about that?”

“You called him an asshole, and cursed him out in front of the whole family.” 

“Because he is one.”

“I love him.”

“He was an asshole with money, that doesn’t make him any less of an asshole.”

“You never like any of the guys I bring home.” She crossed her arms like a petulant child. 

“Because they are all assholes, this one grabbed my ass as I was scrubbing the floor.”

“It was a graze.”

“No there was definite cupping.” I wasn’t going to forget that so soon. He had been a sexist but he had charmed Teresa. 

“You are just jealous.”

“Of what exactly?”

“That men like me.”

“Sure that is what it is.” I rolled my eyes. 

“Always with the last word. That’s why you’re single. Guys hate that.”

“You have three kids by two different guys. Maybe your last word should have been no.”

“Enough YN.” That was Dad. Usually Ma was in charge but when Dad said something it was law. 

“Sonny tell us about the shadowing?” Ma trying to pick up the pieces. 

“Well…” He smiled at me, just to remind him of our deal I kicked him under the table. He winced visibly but kept going.

“It’s good I am learning a lot.”

“Is it from that good-looking lawyer?” I felt my whole body tense. I could not let Teresa near Rafael. Though I would never admit it out loud Teresa had a point, men did like her, always more than me. This had been going on as long as I could remember. They always wanted her and never me. 

“Which one?” I said with my voice oddly steady.

“He was on the cover of the Post.” Bella brought over the paper. I always forgot that they had already met.

“Yeah that’s him.” That was Rafael on the front cover of the Post. I smiled a little, he look good.

“He is hot and look at that suit that must have cost a fortune.” I saw Teresa’s eyes sparkle, she had found prey. Oh if she knew, yes those suits were expensive, but there was no family money there. “This might be worth tri…”

“No.” It was out of my mouth before I could stop it. They rounded on me.

“Why not Y/N?”

“He’s an ass, you wouldn’t like him. Plus he has a girlfriend.”

“So people break up, and you think everyone interesting is an asshole so I want to meet him.” The rest of the evening went by in a blur. I hung over the railing of the ferry again, this time in defeat.

“I… I just told our entire family that the guy I am dating is an asshole and now Teresa and Gina are going to meet him. Remind me again how I am related to them. What if she comes to the courthouse Sonny? Or worse the precinct?”


	50. Bar Exam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You aren’t a plumber.”

“I am a lawyer.” I started at my acceptance to the NY Bar.

“Yes.” Rafael smiled at me. He had gotten the same letter.

“I… I am a lawyer.”

“Yes.”

“I passed the bar.” I couldn’t believe it. 

“How long do I have to keep up with this?”

“I am a lawyer.”

“You aren’t a plumber.”

“What do I do now?” I felt hopeless. 

“Well your job clerking for the first female chief justice starts on Monday so you decide.”

“I know but… I… I have never had the college experience.” I felt empty.

“What experience?”

“I worked hard in college, so I could go to school here, and then I worked hard here to go to DC but… what about all the college shit you are supposed to do.”

“Like what?” I smiled at her she looked a little lost. She had looked so happy when she had first opened the letter.

“Like do shots and drinking games and I don’t know sex with a stranger.”

“The first makes you puke, the second you wouldn’t enjoy and the third is risky and you are about the most risk adverse person I know.” She laughed a little at that. He felt his heart lift.

“Maybe but… I feel like I missed a step. Like everyone else got this course in social and I just… “

“Was in the library?”

“I guess.”

“Ok fine lets do it.” He didn’t know why he was encouraging her; maybe it was to see her smile again?

“What?!”

“Go to a bar and do shots.”

“Rafael barba doing shots remind me to write that into my memoir.” Now he laughed. 

“You are the only person I know that has a memoir already planned.”

“Got to know what you want.” Two hours later she was lightly buzzed.

“Kiss kiss kiss.” How had he gotten himself here sitting with classmates that he didn’t really know after a drunken case of spin the bottle? There she with her lips puckered. He could have reached out and kissed her. 

“No.”

“What am I not good enough?” Her eyes went wide. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want her drunk, he wanted… 

“Not like this.”

“You are a party pooper.” She said with an overwrought sigh, but she perked up as someone shouted. “More drinks.”

“Jeff and I are going to go home together.” Now she was really drunk. She was hanging on this arm of some asshole she had met at the bar.

“No your not.”

“You are not my mommy.”

“Yeah but I… care about you.” If she only knew. 

“Come on man, she clearly wants to.” He couldn’t deal with Jeff as well. He hated the guy just for existing and being in this bar tonight. So he rounded on him.

“She is drunk and incapable of consent. So if you want to stay out of jail, you better just be planning to tuck her into bed. Either way I am not letting you take her home.”

“I don’t think that’s your decision.” This man-child puffed out his chest. Rafael had to work hard to suppress a laugh. 

“Yeah Rafi… not your decision. I like…” She was slurring now. This was going to end ugly but she had wanted the college experience.

“No you don’t, and either way you are coming home with me.”

“So what? You just want to fuck her? Oh if he knew.

“You better get out of here before I decide that you are worth the record.”

The next morning I woke with a headache. All I wanted was the sweet release of sleep to comeback. I dragged myself to Rafael’s tiny kitchen.

“Ugh.”

“Hey sunshine. How was your college night?”

“You tell me.”

“What do you remember?”

Surprising a lot. Thanks for saving me from Jeff.” He had always had my back. Late night anxiety attacks he was there, last minute cram sessions. He had been the reason I had passed the bar. He just smiled at me and said.

“Breakfast will be ready in ten.”

“Thanks. Can I borrow your Patent Law and Policy book?”

“Why you passed the bar?”

“Yeah I know, but one of the questions seemed biased and I didn’t want to say anything while they were grading the exams.” A smile spread over his whole face. He held out his arms and proclaimed. 

“Old Y/N is back.”

“Yeah I’m going to miss drunk college me.” I had had a lot of fun; it was like living without inhibitions. 

“I liked her she was care free.”

“Yeah but old me is pretty great, right?”

“Even better than drunk you.”

“I’m going to go back to bed for which by the by I am very thankful for.” He smiled at me.

“Goodnight.” I turned around but was twirled back into Rafael’s embrace and he kissed me. It was amazing; I melted into him feeling at peace for the first time in a long time. When we broke apart he smiled and said.

“I meant something like that.”


	51. Heartbroken Barba

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was beautiful at four in the morning while working 24/7 on a case, but this was extra. She was the most beautiful woman in this ballroom by a long shot.

Goddamn, she was beautiful. She was beautiful at four in the morning while working 24/7 on a case, but this was extra. She was the most beautiful woman in this ballroom by a long shot. But of course Matt was with her. They had been dating for six months. He seemed serious about her, but she… he could never figure her out. That’s what he liked about her he thought. He had no idea what was going on inside her head and it scared and excited him.

“Rafael don’t you look dashing.” That dress, how much he wanted to see it crumpled up on his floor and have her sleeping soundlessly in his bed. 

“You clean up rather nice yourself.”

“Why thank you, I got this from a friend of mine who works at Parsons. She said she saw and knew I had to wear it. So here I am.” She held out her hands and her jewelry sparkled. 

“Where did Matt go?” He hated him, not only because he was with YN, but also because just another politician climbing the ladder, there was nothing really special about him. 

“Oh he’s scoping out the place to see who here that’s has got juice.”

“You used to despise guys like him.” She had spent many hours about this city going back to days of Tammany Hall. 

“Oh I still do, but he gives amazing head, so I let it go.” She looked completely serious, and he almost started laughing. He had no idea if she was kidding or not. “You wanted to know. So who else has been drafted into coming to this thing?”

“Sonny and Amanda are on their way and Fin has the grandson excuse.”

“Lucky.”

“You want children?” His heart beat a little faster, he always wanted kids, and recently he had been thinking that he could have them with her. 

“No, but maybe if they get me out of parties like these.” He felt his heart sink, he had known her stance on kids before but he couldn’t help himself hoping. 

“Olivia and Tucker will be here.”

“You mean death stare and charming.” 

“Sonny my boy how are you?” She loved them, she made fun of them, but she loved them. That was YN she made jabs but that meant she loved you.

“You realize that you’re younger than me?”

“But smarter, so come here my boy.” She reached for him, but then there was a huge rip. He could see her dress split along her zipper. Then he saw her face, pure terror. There weren’t a lot of things that scared her, but public humiliation was definitely one of them.

“What the hell? Oh God I… Someone help me,” He felt frozen, but Amanda rushed to her aid, literally holding her dress together.

“Well now if I can give a speech like this, we will be fine.” He could see the tears in her eyes. She hated public life, and things like this didn’t happen to her. 

“I am so sorry.” Sonny looked so lost. He could see her sadness turn to fury. 

“Spare me your apologies and fix this.”

“It’s a fashion dress right.” Amanda asked. 

“Yeah why?” She looked hopeful. 

“Does it still have the pins in it?” Sonny had picked up on Amanda’s thread of thought.

“Yeah why?”

“Come here.” He helped Amanda pull the pins out of the bottom of her dress. He started to pin up the dress. 

“Ow what the hell Carisi?” He had stuck her with the pin. Rafael sprang into action. 

“Give me that.” He brushed her hair way from her back. He softly started pinning her dress together. He brushed over her skin, he felt her shudder. He ran his hand down her spine. He felt her shudder again. Her skin was soft, and the light hit it just right that it practically glowed. He felt goose bumps forming under his fingers. She was so beautiful. He had forgotten all time and… 

“Hurry up.” He could still hear the tears in her voice. 

“All done.” He smoothed her dress down, maybe lingering just a bit too long.

“How does it look?”

“Like your dress was just stitched together by industrial sized pins.”

I can’t give a speech like this. I look like… I … Dad is going to be so mad. This was supposed to be his launch pad…” He wanted to hug her, but this came first. She hated public humiliation, because that meant her father’s polling numbers would be effected.

“Here” He tore off his tux jacket. 

“What are you doing?” The look of bewilderment was almost amusing. 

“Giving you my jacket. People won’t see the back.”

“Oh…” Her face transformed from almost breaking down to a radiant smile. He loved her smile, if it was a smirk, or a small one at the end of a long night, but these moments of her just smiling made him feel warm inside. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure.” He reached for the collar to fix it. But then he heard her father’s voice.

“YN could you come up here?”

She gave him a small smile, and kissed his forehead. He felt heat radiate from where her lips had touched his skin.

“That’s my queue.” He watched her walk onstage, and her whole demeanor changed. She straightens her back steadied her stride, and looked like the daughter of the next NY Senator.

“Welcome everyone to the 150th NYC Governor’s Ball. I hope you are all having fun tonight. As you can see my attire got changed around at the last minute. Nothing like a fashion emergency to brighten up the look. Thank you to Rafael Barba, I think the suit jacket completes the look don’t you?” Her eyes sparkled. “Tonight is all about public service. No matter where you are on the political spectrum you are kept safe by the brave public servant of this great city.” He saw her dad shift behind her, and he realized even though she worked right alongside him, they couldn’t ever be together.


	52. Bend Over (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Mr. Barba how do you explain the bruises on her arm?” I was running after him with my phone on record.

“Mr. Barba how do you explain the bruises on her arm?” I was running after him with my phone on record.

“No further questions.” He looked tired, the DA must be hounding him. I felt a twinge of guilt. I knew that the articles I had been writing was part of that pressure.

“Or the fact that they found semen in her?”

“No further questions.”

“Or…” He turned abruptly around, forcing me to stop dead. He was taller than I was and was using that to his advantage. 

“If the Wall Street Journal would like an interview, they can go through the proper channels just like everyone else.” That was Carmen, she had always been on Barba’s side.

“Yeah because that will do something.”

“Ms. L/N.” I was taken aback by the use of my last name, I guess he had finally caught up to the severity of the situation.

“Yes Mr. Barba.”

“Could I see you in my office?”

“So I am getting that interview?” I followed him in. 

“No none of this will be on the record?”

“So deep background?” I sat down and crossed my legs. 

“No.” He sat down too and moved his papers out of my view. 

“well then I don’t see the point…” I stood back up.

“You’re staying.”

“No Mr. Barba, I realize you want everyone to do your bidding, but unlike this poor girl I had the luck not to end up in your crosshairs.” I got up and headed for the door.

“Cariño.” I straightened up. This was going to be a fight…

“Jimmy wanted me on this story, I guess someone with fourth amendment credentials appealed to him.” Rafael and I had gone to law school together that is where all of this had started.

“You don’t want to do this.” I snorted.

“And you do? Oh wait this is for career advancement. You know bending over for the DA could be done so much more artfully.”

“Y/N!” He was getting pissed, good.

“What? It’s true, you already wanna hand out Barba for mayor pins. I hear green is all the rage.”

“She…”

“She was brutally raped yes I am glad you have come around to that.”

“She shot…”

“She was afraid for her life, she was being terrorized. What happened to the judicial system being fair and just? Wait I forgot it is an instrument for the DA, and not for the people.”

“Look the DA…”

“How can you stand here and say that, when I am pretty sure two nights ago you were reciting Thurgood Marshall in my living room “We must dissent because America can do better, because America has no choice but to do better.””

“I mean that.”

“Just not in your run for mayor? Ready to walk over bodies to get to where you want to be?”

“I am not…”

“I don’t care if you are or not. The ambition is there.”

“So what’s wrong with a little ambition? Isn’t that what got us this far? We were just as ambitious in school.”

“Nothing just don’t lose yourself along the way. I’ll have my office call yours for a comment when the story is done.” I kissed him quickly, and then walked out.


	53. Umbrellas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I saw Strategies & Tactics for the MBE. Was it Bar season again? So soon?

“Hey.” I walked into the conference room that the squad had set up as their headquarters for the Jay case. 

“Hey.” That was Rafael. 

“Hey.” There was Carisi. 

“Oh Carisi what are you doing here?”

“We were going over…” I saw Strategies & Tactics for the MBE. Was it Bar season again? So soon?

“Look I have my bar in…”

“You're taking it this weekend?”

“Yes.” He looked nervous, which was normal. I am pretty sure I had looked like a wreck when I took it.

“Well then why are you having this idiot helping you?” I gestured to Rafael.

“Excuse me?!” I knew I could get under his skin like this. He was very proud of his alma matter, and it was just too funny.

“He went to a second rate law school.” 

“Harvard isn’t a second rate law school.”

“Yeah all I say is: Theodore Kaczynski.”

“The Unabomber when to Harvard?” 

“Yep and I am pretty sure Batman attended Yale.” Barba rolled his eyes we had had this argument many times before. Sonny looked like he would like nothing more than to be studying anywhere else.

“New Haven looks like…”

“They have cleaned up it up a lot.” He was right New Haven isn’t exactly Cambridge. 

“Still I am pretty sure it is the only place I have ever seen a drug deal go down in front of a Chucky Cheese.”

“Wait you two?” Sonny seemed to have given up on actually studying.

“Yeah we met at an intercollegiate mock trial and well I smoked his ass.” I smiled at the memory, he had been good. I had been better. 

“You did not.” Another one of our many fights. So much so that we actually requested the transcripts from the trial. 

“Did I not win?”

“On a technicality and it was a hung jury.”

“Because juror number 9 was all gaga for you. I can not account for weak women.” I knew I had let a little too much jealousy creep into my voice. She had looked like that, and well I had been the furthest thing from it.

“Aww you were jealous.” my head snapped up and I hit him (Sonny) on the ears. 

“And to think that I was going to give you my study cards.” Rafael looked confused so Sonny explained.

“Y/N has infamous study cards, anyone who uses them passes with flying colors.” Yes I did have amazing cards, but I also had stoked the rumors a bit.

“So what are you going to do for them?” I smiled down at him. I knew it was a bit unfair to dangle them in front of him like this, but I was having a long week. My doctor had just told me if I didn’t slow down, I was going to burn out soon.

“Anything.”

“Well that is no way to be a negotiator.” 

“Ok fine I’ll write your motions for a month.”

“Are you saying that I am not competent enough to write my own motion.” Ok it had been a very long week, and I had no idea how to slow down.

“I’ll get Misty to give you a table, and I’ll owe you a big one.” Oh Misty. Misty was the owner of a wonderful hole in the wall restaurant who made this egg salad that I was addicted too. I was about two spoonfuls from understanding her secret. Plus an unidentified favour from Carisi was always useful. 

“Ok, just know I can destroy you at any point.”

“How?” He looked genuinely scared. 

“You forget young grasshopper. Amanda is my best friend. I know more about your sex life than you do.” I saw the horror spread across his face, what I didn’t add was that she knew about as much about mine. “We talk about everything. Everything anything you can think of we have discussed.” Yeah I knew way too much about Carisi’s left ass cheek, more than anyone ever should know about another’s ass cheek. I walked around the table, giving Rafael a quick kiss and when I passed Carisi I patted his shoulder.

“It’s ok Dicky.” I saw his eyes widen at his nickname. Two days later I was no longer smirking. I was rapidly banging my pen on the table.

“Stop.”

“But it’s all I have left.” I couldn’t see this paperwork anymore. The defense had just happened to find the last 20 years of tax returns and had decided to send them all to the office. 

“I know it’s annoying.”

“We are supposed to be having drinks on a beach. DRINKS, Rafael with tiny little umbrellas, and whatever else they have. I was supposed to get a tan.” I had been planning this vacation for weeks. I wasn’t a vacation type. I loved my work but I had been told by the doctor to slow it down, so I was starting with a vacation. “I was supposed to have a week off now this piece of shit comes in…”

“You have two options either work on the Matthews motion or finish this with me,”

“Or be getting paid a lot more money working almost anywhere else I want.” He put his arm around me.

“We will take the first flight out in the morning.”

“I know but I was supposed to wake up on a beach tomorrow morning. I was supposed to be able…”

“I love you.”

“And I you, that’s why I am not running off with…”

“Who?”

“I am not sure but are you doubting that I could find someone? I am going to the bathroom and if this paperwork is still here when I come back. I might…” I didn’t finish that sentence, I simply turned around and started walking, but then I felt him pull me back by my hips. His breath hot on my neck. 

“Hey what are you doing? I was kidding about leaving you.”

“I know cariño but I realized that we overlooked something simple.” He started kissing the base of my neck.

“We did? I mean no… what?” I turned around, he was smiling like the cat that ate the canary.

“Carisi passed the bar.”

“Yes I know I got the cake..”

“Y/N think, Carisi passed the bar, he is a lawyer.” It took me a second but I got it too. 

“Wait. You’re right he did pass the bar and he is a lawyer, and he owes me for my study cards. Which means we can go on our vacation? And leave him with the paperwork.”

“You wanna make out with me right now, don’t you?”

“Well when don’t I ?” I turned and did just that.


	54. Lunch and Stockings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All good, I mean if soul sucking is good.” I had worked for Rita Calhoun for most of my professional life, but she had brought in a new partner and he was making my life hell. Testing me as it were.

“Hi.” I saw Amanda waving me too her. We had lunch together about once a week to catch up.

“I got us a table.”

“Our usual.” We had been going to the same courthouse cafe for the last two years. 

“Yes of course.” I flagged down the waiter and he just smiled and called something to the chef, we didn’t even need to order anymore they just knew what we wanted.

“So how was your week?”

“All good, I mean if soul sucking is good.” I had worked for Rita Calhoun for most of my professional life, but she had brought in a new partner and he was making my life hell. Testing me as it were.

“That bad?”

“Yeah I know I am doing it for the right reasons but…”

“You still hate him?” The man made me do grunt work, something that was given usually to the paralegals but here I was writing briefs at two in the morning. 

“Oh so much hate, but he is a good lawyer.”

“Why else would you work for him?”

“You are telling me you’re only work at SVU because you want to help?”

“I do.” She looked slightly offended. 

“Oh I don’t dispute that, but looking at Carisi’s ass every day can be a nice work perk.” They were adorable together, and he had taken to Jesse like no man I had ever seen.

“What about you and your mystery man?” Oh God not this again.

“What mystery guy?”

“Come on the best sex of your life, the one you bought those knee high stockings for.” She gestured at the bag next to my chair. Victoria Secret was too good at branding, with my foot I pushed it more under the table.

“I didn’t.”

“No you did.”

“Ok fine he is great in bed.” It was no good lying to her.

“When am I going to meet him.” You already have, I thought darkly, if she knew that Barba and I were spending most nights together she would flip.

“If you keep talking like this never.”

“But come on, I want to put a face to a… oh wait I don’t even know his name.” For good reasons. I had told her almost everything about what we did together, just trying keeping out any identifying characteristics.

“And that’s the way it’s going to stay.”

“But what if I meet him, like out on the street.”

“Then you are going to be blissfully ignorant. Plus you’re a detective, you should be able to figure it out.”

“Ok let us review the evidence. You two met through work…” 

“I never.”

“Do you do anything outside of work?”

“No…”

“Exactly, so met through work.”

“True, but come off this crazy dog trail, tell me more about Carisi’s ass.”

“Is it Carisi?” It was written in her eyes, that she desperately didn’t want it to be. She really did care about him.

“No but your face tells me that you desperately don’t want it to be. Have you two been…”

“No… maybe ok fine yes, now tell me yours.”

“I am under no such obligation.” I smirked at her. 

“My God you are such a lawyer.”

“True, my little NY bar card agrees.”

“Why won’t you tell me? You usually do, you enjoy it too. This one doesn’t even have a nickname.” Shit, she was right. I usually gave names to the guys I was hooking up with. 

“Sure he does…”

“No he doesn’t which means this is real. What’s his nickname?” She wasn’t going to let this one go.

“I… nice tie.” Four years of law school and a lifetime as a lawyer and all I could come up with was nice tie. 

“Nice tie hm? That is a nice nickname. yours are usually reductive. Pig face, rat toes, strumpet lover.” She was right. Rat toes and pig face had been best friends. 

“Yeah I just haven’t soured on him yet.”

“But this has been a while.”

“Fine the sex is really good and he isn’t half dumb so conversation is nice too. He does this thing with his tongue, I just can’t resist. Plus he can cook, he made me this amazing paella over the weekend. I mean I don’t know anything about cooking, but it looked hard to make.”

“How close is it on the scale?” I rolled my eyes. One really rainy evening while I was studying for the bar and Amanda was in the police academy, we had sat down and devised a list of things that we liked and disliked in bed. The infamous scale was born.

“Perfect.” I conceded, I had said the sex was amazing, and it was. Barba and I worked on so many levels. It usually started out as an argument over something or other and ended up with us in bed. 

“Well well well.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“No one has ever been that high on your scale.”

“I am about to shove that scale up your ass.”

“Look, I am just saying this guy sounds perfect for you.”

“But I am not interested in that,” and I wasn’t there was no way I would ever even consider…

“Oh come on.”

“I am not.” I would have to address the wavering in my voice at a later date.

“Ok fine tell me this does he do the…” She clapped one hand into the other at a high speed. I blushed.

“Yes.”

“Did you two have a nice lunch?” Olivia asked as we walked back into the precinct. 

“Oh the lunchiest. I have never had a lunch that was so much like having lunch with my mother.” For that I received an elbow in my side. “I do need those case files for the Kaine case. Calhoun wants to make some sort of PR deal out of it.”

“I forgot we close cases so you can have good PR.” There he was right behind me. I should have him fitted with a bell, I thought. I smelled the cologne I had sprayed on him this morning, and that wonderful green tie I had worn to bed last night.

“Do you need a stable for that high horse you just rode in on Barba? PR is good, that is how you get me to help you. Let me remind you your closing rate has spiked since I have been attached to your office.”

“Just an easier case load.” He smirked and I rolled my eyes.

“Sure lets go with that.” 

Olivia trying desperately to get us to move on, said.

“So according to the new 1PP rules, we need to start every week with telling each other about our respective weekends, something about team moral.”

“I am excluded from that.” I put up my hands and backed away. 

“What, one moment you’re with us and the next…”

“Fine, I reorganized my home library this weekend.” I smiled at the memory, I had been wearing one of Rafael’s dress shirt while sorting through huge stacks of books. Rafael just lay on my bed picking up each of the books and making sarcastic comments and every now and then pulling me away from my work to make out with me on the bed. It had been a good weekend.

“Jesse giggled for the first time.”

“It was adorable.” Carisi gushed. 

“Have first hand knowledge there Carisi?”

“Shut up, and I am caught up on all my case files.” Mike jumped in to prevent more of my snark. 

“Alice finished moving in.”

“Noah and I fed ducks in Hyde Park.”

“Aww please tell me there are pictures.”

“There are.” Liv pulled out her phone and showed us pictures of her and Noah feeding ducks, and it was the most adorable thing. Olivia dismissed us, but Carisi stopped us.

“Ah ah aha Barba doesn’t get off.”

“I don’t work for.”

“Neither does Y/N.”

“Ok I made paella for the first time this weekend and it turned out ok.” I turned around just in time to see the recognition bloom on Amanda’s face. She was so in shock that she spilled her coffee down her front.

“Amanda you ok?” 

“She is absolutely fine.” I needed to get her away from all of these people, people she could tell. “Lets get you cleaned up.” The second I closed the bathroom door she turned on me.

“You and him.”

“Yes.” I felt my face growing hot. 

“He is the near perfect on the scale?”

“Yes.” I could feel my cheeks turn into tomatoes.

“I have to go over all our discussions of “nice tie”.”

“Oh God.” I buried my face in my hands, I had told her way too much. 

“Wait the hotel?” 

“Yep.” We had been at a team dinner and it had started pouring, which lead us to stay in the Monarch that night, and well… it was a great night. 

“The power outage with the collared shirts?”

“Maybe.”

“The Killian benefit?” There was no point in trying to lie anymore. 

“Yes knee high stockings and all.”

“Those late nights in the office?”

“That’s how it started.”

“What about office sex?” I saw an out and I took it.

“You are just jealous that you can’t do it at the office.”

“Maybe, but I will never be able to not think about it when I look at him. This is going to make trials much more interesting.”

“Please don’t say anything.”

“No that would spoil the fun, but you aren’t going to stop talking about him are you?”

“I am considering it.”

“Oh this is going to be so much fun.”

“Ok fine I won’t stop talking but you won’t start?”

“Deal.”

“Everything ok?” Barba asked, still milling around our desks. 

“No just the average stain.” But Amanda lent into Barba and quietly asked.

“Barba are you a fan of knee high stockings? Because Y/N over here got a pair of white ones this afternoon, that are to die for.”


	55. Privacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I waved my phone. my friend at the Times, had called me for a comment. It was an open secret that Rafael and I were together.

“Rafael Eduardo Barba what the fuck were you thinking?” I stormed into the precinct. I wasn’t one for public displays of any kind, but this was too much.

“Y/N what?” 

“So you decide who gets their privacy and who doesn’t.” I waved my phone. my friend at the Times, had called me for a comment. It was an open secret that Rafael and I were together. 

“Y/N.”

“No you want to check my phone too, big man? Hm wanna see who I’ve been texting.” I thrust my phone into his chest. “Think my mom is plotting to blow up the courthouse?”

“YN this is a…”

“A bad guy right? He is the worst of the worst, right? That’s the only reason you’re doing this?”

“Y/N he is a pedophile who has thousands of images on his phone.”

“So you decide to get a court order?”

“We needed to…”

“Ahh well Sen. McCarthy I didn’t recognize you, and I thought you hated Cubans?” I saw a flash of actual anger cross his face. 

“Y/N.” He was now trying to quiet me. Though I had hated it when Maria had stormed in and yelled, I wasn’t going to be stopped. 

“No everyone is going to hear this, because the only people you would sell off the Bill of Rights for are in this precinct.”

“The Constitution…” I knew how that sentence would end.

“You know what, I am so glad I finally get to see the real you. You are the arbiter of truth and justice now. I get it, all for the good of the people right? You may be McCarthy, but guess what I’m Murrow, and I know you know how that story turns out.”

“Y/N you can’t just…”

“Oh but I can, and you know what here take my key any of your shit that is still in my apartment by the time I get home will either be burned or given to goodwill. Unless you want to run background checks on those people too see who’s been un-american recently.”

“Cariño.”

“Call me that again and trust me it won’t only be your head that I am gunning for. You know Jimmy was right about all of you. Can’t tell the difference anymore between perp and person.” I was angry, really angry. Except I wasn’t, I knew he was wrong, and I was right. I know what he had done was an overreach, but I also knew I was going to let him back into my life. That was the way it was with Rafael Barba, he pissed me off but then he come bouquet in hand and I would forgive him, plus the makeup sex was great. Even though I knew we would be fine personally, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to chase this story.


	56. Falling In Love Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I pushed her out of my body 72 hours ago. I know how fragile she is.”

“Careful she is fragile.” Rafael warned again, as I held our baby. 

“I pushed her out of my body 72 hours ago I know how fragile she is.” I was finally getting out of that hospital, after three days. 

“I just don’t want her hurt.”

“I know, and I love you, but rechecking the baby seat for the umpteenth time won’t make it any safer.”

“How are you not worried?”

“She is a baby and you have been taking driving with your baby courses.” Which wasn’t even the most insane of the courses he had taken.

“They are important.”

“They are useless, we live in Manhattan.”

“I am just saying.”

Do you want me to call a cab?” The nurse behind us called. 

“No we can do this.” Rafael muttered. Then she pushed up a wheelchair for me to sit in.

“I don’t need…”

“Ma’am hospital policy.”

“Really? You force women who have just given birth into wheelchairs?”

“Ma’am I can’t.”

“Give it here, can I roll it myself?”

“No.”

“I’ll do it.” Came a familiar voice, one that reminded me of awkward dinner conversations and great Cuban food. 

“Mami, I didn’t think you’d make it.”

Not see my first grandchild, I don’t think so.”

“Rafael what is this?”

“I thought Rafi had told you, I thought I could help the first couple of weeks.” Did he not think that I could handle this on my own?

“Thank you so much, but I have leave, I can do this.”

“Don’t argue Y/N just accept the help.” He was right, more often than not lately.

“Thank you.”

A month later I was sitting on my couch and I couldn’t move. In this quiet moment I felt paralyzed. I saw Lucia approaching and I quickly said

“I’m fine I’ll go change her diaper.”

“She’s fine.”

“Fix her a bottle.”

“Already in the warmer.”

“There has to be something I can do. Clean. I should…”

“Rafi did it this morning.”

“Oh he’s so sweet.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice.

“He is.”

“He is the perfect father, he hasn’t sweat a detail of this whole parenting, and I am…”

“Overwhelmed.” At that I felt my damn break.

“No that’s the issue, I just… I feel nothing. I see her and I know she came out of me and I see… I feel nothing. I see that she is a baby, but there wasn’t a magical moment. In the hospital I thought it was just exhaustion, since then I have been praying for it to happen, but nothing.” The tears started overflowing. “It isn’t like I have a family excuse, my childhood was idyllic. I have a great family, yet I can’t do this. I mean he is so great at this… and not to be insensitive but his home situation had never been…”

“Idyllic?”

“Yeah. But the second he saw her, his face light up. I saw the man I love change in front of my eyes. I saw him fall in love, and I just didn’t have it. Maybe I won’t ever have it. I mean I am not going to be a bad mother, I’ll do all the things mothers do I just… won’t love my kid.” 

“You love Olive.”

“What?” She had spoken so softly but I heard her clearly. 

“You do.” She said it as if it was the most basic fact. 

“How? I just…”

“You are worrying about this. You love Olive. It will come I promise.” The door banged open and Rafael walked in.

“Where are my three favorite women?”

“Hey.” I said quickly wiping away my tears. 

“I am going to leave you two to talk.” Lucia got up and Rafael took her place. I curled up against him like so many nights before.

“What’s wrong?”

“God, what do you know, you marry a lawyer and you get incessant questions. I shot up and started to pace.

“You are a lawyer too.”

Yeah but…”

“Come on tell me.”

“I don’t love Olive.” It just broke out of my chest. I had never been good at lying to him.

“What?”

“I just don’t feel it. Every book says that there is this instant connection, instant love, and you had it. I am still waiting for mine, and I just realized it would probably never come. So I get it if you want to throw me in mommy jail.”

“Mommy jail?” He looked both amused and incredulous. 

“Or sue for sole custody. Not much of a case, women doesn’t love her daughter.” I increased my pacing speed.

“Hey hey hey, stop you are going to wear out the floor.” He got up and pulled me close and kissed me. “You love her.”

“Why are you all so sure?”

“Because you are here, you haven’t run for the hills and I know from experience that that is one of your instincts. Come let me show you something.” He pulled me to Olive’s room. He sat me down in the rocking chair and pulled a sleeping Olive from her crib, then putting her in my lap.

“It’s a baby.”

“No it’s our baby. I think you two haven’t had a proper introduction. Olive meet your Mami, and Mami meet Olive. Mami is worried that she doesn’t love you.”

“Don’t tell her that.”

“She is a month old I don’t think.”

“From the moment a baby is born it is peaks in hearing ability.” He just rolled his eyes and continued.

“So Mami is worried about you, and I thought I would introduce you two. Olive lets first talk about your mother. She grew up right here in the city, she went to Columbia both grad and undergrad. She had her first kiss at the age of 21, because to quote her “there hadn’t been time.” I met her when she was giving a lecture to first year law students. Her opening line was “God, I can feel my IQ dropping just looking at your vacant faces.” Three of those lawyers are working at top law firms, and all three swear it was her lecture that put them there. She then went on to argue in front of the Supreme Court. Then about two years she agreed to married me. Aren’t I lucky? When she found out we were having you, she was so freaked out she ran into my office while I was having a meeting and yelled “I am about to make an eyeball,” an excuse that she frequently used afterwards.” He started at me for a long second, probably remembering all of my other insane moments.

“Mami meet Olive, Olive is one month old. She has so much personality, and she is so much like her mother. She was born perfectly healthy, even though her pregnancy was a little rough. Olive is the best thing I have ever made, and I love her with all my being. She has your nose and cheeks, but my eyes. I see my Cuban genes have done her some good by giving her soft strong hair. She almost never cries, unless she really needs something. Look at that yawn, She has also started cooing and gurgle every time she sees one of us and she is starting to recognize us.” I couldn’t do this, he was too adoring, this was too sweet, too perfect. I handed her back to Rafael, and practically ran out of the room. He catches me at the sink where I am breathing heavily now. 

I… I just need tag out for a bit it’s…”

“It’s normal.”

“How are you so great?” I turned to him, and he put his arms around me again.

“I was born that way.” I rolled my eyes, and he gave me a quick kiss, and then went back to olive, I had no idea what do with myself so i pure myself a glass of water Then I heard soft singing. I am not sure why, but I snuck back to Olive’s room, and saw a lovely sight, Rafael was holding her now, and was softly singing what I could only imagine was a Cuban Lullaby.

“Tu mamá te quiere, tu papá también,  
todos en la casa te queremos bién.  
Esta niña linda que nació de dia  
quiere que la lleven a la dulcería.”

For the first time I noticed Olive and Not him she was totally enraptured by him, like I had been on our first date. Her eyes were filled with so much wonder, and attentiveness, like this was her whole world. I could help make her world wonderful and warm. She was an extension of combination of Rafael and I, but so much more but me. She was at one month old her own person. A person I had the good fortune of meeting.

“Esta niña linda que nació de noche  
Esta niña linda se quiere dormir y el picaro sueño no quiere venir.  
Si el sueño no quiere venir por acá a ver ratoncito, a ver donde está.”

I hadn’t noticed that I had started crying again, but this time the tears came freely. They weren’t tears of sadness they were tears of understanding, of love.

“Señora mi ama, yo lo vi bailando, con dos damas rubias en la casa real.” I had been looking for this great magical moment, but that wasn’t it for me. It was a simple realization, she is the best part of me. That we were going to build the strongest relationship either of us would ever have. I hadn’t noticed that Rafael had stopped singing. 

“Hey hey what’s wrong?”

“That’s my baby.” I said smiling.

“Yes.”

“No you don’t get it that’s my baby, it’s mine, a human baby. I made that.’

“Yes it is, what did you think she was? A velociraptor?”

“Shut up.” I gently took her from him and started staring at her, I wanted to memorize very little feature of her face. I now saw what Rafael had meant; you never wanted to put her down. To not look at her. 

“Hi there Olive, hi I am your Mami. Yes I know we had a rough start, but to be fair you pushed your way to big head out of my vagina. I… I want to know everything about you. I want to… oh God you are beautiful. I am pretty sure that’s all me, your father’s genes are merely dragging you down, but knowing you, you’re a fighter. I am going to teach you everything, I am going to teach you how to argue like no man, I am going to teach you right from wrong. Your dad will do the sex talk because I still not sure how we conceived you. You will learn what it means to protect and serve, and what family looks like. You will be loved and cared for. You will dance in the fountains in central park, and go apple picking with us upstate. Your dad will drag us to the Bronx Zoo, so you can see all the animals. I have spent a long time alone, and now I never will be again. It is scary to even contemplate but I am so ready to do it with you. I am ready to be your mother for the rest of eternity.” I felt Rafael pull both of us closer, and in that moment, all was right with the world.

Translation - Your mom loves you, your father too, everyone in the house we want you well. This cute little girl was born day He wants to be taken to the candy store . This cute little girl was born at night This cute girl wants to sleep and dream the rascal will not come. If the dream will not come over here to see little mouse, to see where it is. Lady my love, I saw him dancing with two blonde ladies in the royal house.


	57. 75 Hours Per Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had to be Yelina; there was no other ungodly person it could have been. I would like to state for the record that it wasn’t my fault. She came into our restaurant.

It had to be Yelina; there was no other ungodly person it could have been. I would like to state for the record that it wasn’t my fault. She came into our restaurant.

“You are early.” Rafael smiled up at me, as I approached the table. 

“You’re here.”

“I said I would be here.” He signaled the waiter who brought over two glasses of champagne. I know absolutely nothing about champagnes but I know I like this one.

“But we know how allergic criminals are to our plans.”

“And the mayor is different?”

“True but we are here it is our six month anniversary.”

“You hate anniversaries.”

“Yeah but you like them and I like you.” I saw her, she was walking straight for us, and she had us in her headlights. “Duck.” With that I shot under the table.

“Rafael.”

“Yelina.” God he didn’t follow my order this is how we loose.

“You know there is some girl hiding under your table.”

“Yeah she promised she wouldn’t do it anymore.” I felt him feel my cheek, and gently cup it as if to say get your ass up here.

“Hi I am Y/N.”

“You work for the mayor, as an intern?” Here we go.

“No deputy chief of staff.”

“Good for you at your age.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s nothing you’re just young and Rafael well… Anyway I was just coming over to see if Rafael was coming to our HS reunion, which was almost 30 years ago. What were you doing then, wearing diapers?”

“You should know at least one or two things about under aged girls. I mean at least Nabokov wrote a book.” I started to smirk this was my wheelhouse. 

“How dare you?”

“How dare I? Rafael is a good man he doesn’t hold a grudge, that’s what he dates me for. Would you excuse us?” I got up and took Rafael by the hand making a beeline for the door; once we were outside he turned to me with an amused face.

“What the hell was that in there?”

“I defended…”

“I don’t need defending.”

“I don’t care, I didn’t like the kind of insinuation she was making. I am happy for the first time in a long time and I am not going to let bitch 1051815135 ruin that.”

“You know I love you, even though you’re insane, right?”

“I do but I am still allowed to defend and it wasn’t like you were doing a good job, I might as well have yelled “Sit there and look dumb,” for all the good it did me.“

“You know she is just jealous.”

“Of what exactly.”

“Excuse me.”

“No I am serious, both of us work 80 hour weeks, and that’s on a slow week. We are getting older but not really wiser, that dinner she ruined as the first time we have really seen each other in weeks. We are just getting up working coming home have really tired sex and fall asleep and we repeat it every week.” He grabbed my face and kissed me. 

“Hey hey you’re right we need to take a break.”

“Yeah maybe, a clean one then…”

“What?”

“That’s what this is right? You’re breaking up with me?” He pulled me closer and I felt a laugh reverberate in his chest.

“No I … ok no I am not. I just love you that’s all.”

“So you’re laughing at me?”

“I love you because you are the only person I know that insults people with classic literature, but don’t see that I love you so much more than I ever loved her.”

“First off she teed herself for that and I know, but she isn’t the first that has made comments like that, and I thought it was time to stand up for us.” He kissed my forehead and smiled. 

“I like it, and you are right we need to spend more time together so lets say we have lunch together every day.”

“A whole hour?” I smiled at him a bit amused.

“And if we are called away that’s fine but…’

“But we are there. I love it and I love you.”


	58. Cuffs All Night (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was already floating in the pool; all he had to do was what he did best.

“He’s in the building.” Olivia called. This was it. Three months of painstaking investigation and it all came down if my butt looked good in a bikini. 

“Y/N you ok?” Carisi sounded worried. There was no way to turn this around. I was already floating in the pool; all he had to do was what he did best.

“Ready.”

“I am sorry I’m making you do this.”

“No worries what’s wrong with hanging out in a pool for a couple hours and catch a rapist? It’s all in a day’s work.”

“I’ll buy you that fruit cake if you like.”

“Thanks Carisi.” I smiled into pool ledge, Carisi and I had always understood each other, and being quiet new to the unit it helped to have someone to lean on. 

“Are you sure you’re ok?” Oh of course Mr. Knight in shining armor. You would think that having a secret boyfriend meant that they couldn’t bother you at work, wrong.

“It’s my job Barba, and thank you so much but I’m fine.”

“He’s here.” That was our go signal, all I had to do was tread water, and wait for him to swallow the bait. 

“Hey there.”

“Oh Mr. Cohen also out for a nightly swim?” I had spent the last month undercover as an ambitious but lowly employee, exactly Cohen’s type. Women who confused getting ahead with getting used.

“Yes but I think it has turned into so much more.” God, did men actually think these lines worked? He got into the pool and swam up right next to me.

“How so?”

“Well you have graced me with your presence.” I could feel the slime dripping of that fake million-dollar smile. 

“What valuable role do you play in our great big family, here at Geld Industries?”

“I work in Kraft services.” 

“Well if you worked for me you would be vice president.” I practically felt the rest of the team tensing, we saw this way too much. I had a feeling Nick wasn’t the only one who thought that three months or not this guy deserved a beating. I just smiled at him.

“Well Mr. Cohen…”

“Call me Mark.”

“Mark,” I smiled again sweetly, God this was so easy. “I guess I should switch jobs.” He had circled me and now was standing right behind me.

“I would love to have you.” He squeezed my shoulders. 

“But from what I have heard the girls working for you don’t end up to well.” To put it lightly, that is how we had gotten this case; one of his ‘pet projects’ had finally come forward. 

“Oh no those other girls, they were just whores. The issue was with them not with me or the department.” Ah yes blame the victim, and deny culpability. 

“So if I want, there is a spot for me on your staff.”

“Well there would be an interview first but…” He grabbed my waist and pulled me close. I shuddered; luckily he assumed it was from the temperature of the water. 

“Could you help me prepare for the interview?” This had been the story he had given all the other women.

“Of course darling.” I felt him starting to play with the hem of my bikini top.

“Well I must say if all the questions are that easy than I don’t need anymore practice.” A couple more steps and we would have this guy.

“Well if want we can make sure you get the position, all you would need is to give a little taste test.” He popped the words in his mouth and started untying my bikini string. This take down needed to happen now. Of course if you wanted to…”

“NYPD put your hands up.” 

“I wasn’t.” Cohen said as Nick and Carisi yanked him out of the water.

“Save it, YN are you ok?” Barba looked both angry and pleased with himself.

“I’m fine, but I know I need to wait for the techs to get here so they can get what they need. Like you said airtight right?” Now I got a real look at him, he had looked worried when they came running out, but he knew deep down that I could handle myself, where did this come from? It took about two hours for the crime scene guys to arrive, it seems that a detective with chattering teeth wasn’t a top priority. Once I had finally been given a blanket and a cup of coffee, both incidentally from Barba.

“Let me take you home you are still dripping wet.”

“I am fine I have reports to write.” People have no idea the kind of things we have to justify in our reports. I was looking at a long night of writing and takeout.

“I want to take you home with me.” Rafael wrapped his arms around me, and kissing the apex of my neck and shoulder.

“Ok fine but…”

“No tonight I am going to erase every little piece of him off you.” Next thing I know we are stumbling up the stairs like two drunken horny teenagers. He pushes me passed he guard outside his door, and I briefly realize what it must have cost him to be there with and for me tonight, but before I could give it more thought I heard the door click shut, and my back pressed against it. He kisses me again moving down my neck and in seemingly random patterns, I start to moan, and he chuckles to himself.

“Shh cariño you don’t want the neighbors to hear.”

“Fuck the neighbors.”

“I am not sure they’ll be into that.” I swat his chest but giggle all the same. I pull him by his tie to the bedroom and he gets a glint in his eye, whatever was coming next he had thought about it quite a bit.

“Come here.” He pulled my cuffs from his pocket and fastened me to the headboard. I smiled; this was going to be fun. 

“What are you going to do to me papi?” Instinctively I tried to reach for him was waylaid by the cuffs, this was his plan. Complete control.

“I meant what I said, I’m going to get rid of that asshole’s stink on you.” He gave me a quick kiss on the lips and then started working his way down pulling off my still damp bikini top, placing his warm lips on my cold chest. I smiled down at him and he smirked up at me, and I realized how happy I was. After what felt like a lifetime he started playing with my breasts. Softly biting into them and running his hands up and down my body. He was taking his sweet time, I tugged on my cuffs again and I felt him smiling against my skin

“Nothing you can do now cariño, you are just going to have to wait.”

“God damn you.”

“No he loves me you on the other… He let his hand ghost lower and lower, my hips bucked into a hand that wasn’t even there anymore.”

“Someone is eager.”

“Fuck me now.”

“No I told you I am going to take my time.”

“I only remind you anything you can I can do better.”

“I’ll take that into account.” He dipped two fingers inside of me, I moaned.

“Yes god yes.” I looked at him and I saw him smirking posed for some heavy snark “Don’t say it.”

“Never cariño.” He let his fingers go just a little further, now using his thumb to play with my clit.

“Papi please.”

“I love when you beg.” God, he was downright sadistic. I felt my orgasm starting to build with every little movement of his hand, and as if he felt my orgasm coming on he slowed down the circles he was rubbing into my clit. I made a noise that wasn’t quite human. I needed a faster pace; I knew he was enjoying this. He bent down and growled in my ear. “Say it.”

“No.” I knew I would give in, but for a bit I wanted to hold onto this fantasy where I could resist him, and what he did to me.

“Come on you know you want to.” He started varying the speeds of the circles he was drawing on my clit, and started to me his fingers in and out of me.

“Fine, please papi let me cum.” I rolled my eyes, I felt him press down into my clit.

“No say it like you mean it,” he started lightly swiping his thumb across my clit, just enough to keep me on the edge but not enough to throw me over. By now I was sobbing with desire, and decided to abandon my last shred of dignity, and beg him.

Please papi let me come, I want you to let me come.”   
“That’s it cariño,” he whispered, he crooked his fingers and started furiously drawing circles into me. It took seconds for me to be thrown over the cliff, and I felt the orgasm flooding my tunnels. He helped me through it, continuously rubbing me, leaving me very sensitive. When I was done he unhooked me, and kissed my forhead “I love you.”

“Yeah I love you too, so my turn.” I took the cuffs into my hand and felt my eyes glint.


	59. Incoming Baby Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We had been worried about telling Mia that she was getting a little sister.

We had been worried about telling Mia that she was getting a little sister. Mia had been the center of our universe for the past seven years. I don’t think Rafael put her down once before the age of 2, and if it wasn’t Rafael someone else was holding her, or playing with her. Both Jesse and Noah adored her, but now a new baby was coming, and we were scared how she was going to react. She had her father’s temper, which meant a couple of things: first dinner was never boring, second when she said no other kids listened, and when she wanted to she could throw a world class tantrum. At work Rafael and I had seen what happened to kids who were neglected by their parents, and we vowed never to let any of our children feel that. We had talked about it the night before: we were going to ply her with ice cream, which we knew wasn’t exactly ethical, but we needed a happy daughter when we changed her world. Rafael would tell her and I would reinforce, he had gotten this top job after losing a game chess, which was the way we settled important parenting disputes, that and sex.

“Let’s go over the game plan one last time.” I was pacing.

“We got this cariño.” He didn’t look as confident as last night. 

“No, one last time.”

“We first…” Our doors banged open.

“Mija…:”

“Papi papi, I drew a turkey today for Thanksgiving.”

“Very nice, lets hang it on the fridge.”

“Though the teacher didn’t like what I said about Christopher Columbus.” Our expressions could have not been more different I was smirking, she was her father’s daughter, but Rafael was exasperated. 

“Dios are we going to have to have another parent teacher conference where she tells us that you told the whole class that fourth of july isn’t independence day.”

“Mami said…” I smiled again, I was happy that at least some of what I said stuck in her mind. 

“And mami was right but…” He looked so done, he had taken well to being a father being both forgiving and a disciplinarian though I knew the latter pained him, maybe because he saw more of his father every time he raised his voice. 

“I know Papi, but you always say school is about learning and educating others and I was simply educating.” Her smirk was identical to her father’s.

“I…yes I do, but you have to learn to respect your teachers,” He was steeling himself it was time to tell her. “We have a surprise for you.” Her face broke into a huge smile. 

“Tell me tell me tell me.”

“How about some ice-cream?”

“What’s wrong?” God, was she perceptive, another quality she had gotten from her father, he could see through anyone in a heartbeat. He had seen through her the second he had met her, and she through him, it was what them such a good team. 

“Mami and I love you very much…”

“We love you so much, and we are going to have another little girl.” It was out, but rather than storm clouds gathering in Mia’s eyes it was unbridled joy. 

“You mean I am getting a sister?”

“Yes.”

“Where is she?”

“She is in Mami’s tummy.”

“In their?” she put a hand on my stomach.

“Yes.”

“Hello …”

“Mija, she is listening to you she is going to learn your voice and when she is born…”

“She’ll know who I am.” Her eyes brightened even more, she seemed truly taken by this news.

“Can I read to her?”

“Of course you can.” He kissed her forehead and I sat back and looked at the scene, whatever horrors we might encounter at the job, and there had been plenty, this was space the darkness would never penetrate, a happy little slice of paradise that would remain untouched.

“I want my ice-cream now.” Rafael and I smiled at each other, all the worry gone. We were going to grow our family together and increase our little paradise just a few inches.


	60. Caffeine (semi-NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh he was more pissed off than usual, this was not good.

“What happened to you?” I had been sitting on Rafael’s couch for half an hour, and he had yet to give me his weekly interview. 

“Nothing.” Oh he was more pissed off than usual, this was not good. 

“Oh come on.”

“It’s nothing.” 

“Wait no she didn’t?” This was too good to be true. 

“What?” Oh he was grouchy, this couldn’t be anymore fun. I got up and walked over to him.

“I checked your calendar you went to the doctor today.” I grabbed his tie and and kissed his cheek. 

“So I got a physical.”

“No you don’t you didn’t reschedule this a half a million times, you needed this appointment. What did she say? Come on we are friends, you can tell me.” That wasn’t totally true, but it was the easiest way for us to define this.

“Let’s get back to work.” When did he get the idea in his head that lying to journalist was a good idea.

“Oh wait she… she told you to no longer drink coffee I knew there was something wrong, you weren’t holding one or making one, she told you can’t, oh papi.” I threw my arms around him with mock enthusiasm. “I am here for you.” 

“Why are you…”

“The Journal wants to do a piece on SVU and so here I am.” I trailed my finger down his suspenders. 

“And why in my office?” I kissed his cheek, I really did like him. I had never met a guy like Rafael Barba self assured and yet not overconfident… most of the time. 

“I felt you needed me.” I said with mock sincerity. 

“YN this isn’t…” He looked so tense, maybe it was the withdrawal, I felt bad for him.

“Papi, you must be frustrated about this.” He looked it too, coffee was how he got through the day. “Maybe I can help?”

“What, are you going snark at me?” 

“Well I was going to suggest office sex but…” I was promptly cut off by being pinned to the wall. I smirked into the wood panel. “I thought so,” His hands started tracing the outside of my slacks, he started nipping at my neck.

“A girl like you should wear a warning.” He started sucking on his favorite pulse point. “How is your piece going?” I rolled my eyes, he tried this every time we had sex. 

“You know I am not going to answer that.” I reached behind me tried to grab him but he held my hands behind my back. 

“How did you know? No one else noticed.”

“Oh we noticed papi, you’re a five foot adderall and caffeine filled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It was only a matter of time before you snapped. Rollins and I were taking bets on when. Which reminds me I need to….” His hand dived into my my pants ignoring my underwear he took my clit in his hand and started rolling it. The moan burst out of me, but I wasn’t going to let him win that easily. 

“You really want to be playing games right now?”

“What I am amazing at sudoku?” He dragged my clit in one perfect circle with his finger I doubled over in pleasure.

“Ah ah ah you know some people don’t know to stop talking even when it’s in their best interest.” I felt him smirking into my shoulder, he enjoyed this.

“When?” Rather than my normal voice it was something breathy.

“In the Dickenson hearing.” He added more pressure.

“That wasn’t.” This time his fingers were inside me, another moan. Not that he knew it but I could spend the rest of my life happy if he only kept doing this. 

“Admit it.” I knew I was going to loose this, but he was right I had no idea when to give up. 

“No.” His other hand came from the wall to undo my pants. He chuckled he knew he was in complete control. I felt both my underwear and pants slide to the floor.

“So cariño do have anything to say to me?” He was so sure of himself, God how was I attracted to him. I usually was allergic to arrogant guys but he pulled it off.

“There is caffeine in a lot of tea.” He growled and ground his hips into me. Then he let go of me, and I heard him undo his belt, then the rustle of fabric. I was done with this game.

“Oh god just fuck me, I know you’re dying to, you want to work out all that tension.”

He complied. The friction was delicious but rather than waiting for me to adjust he slammed into me, again and again. I was an inch away from orgasm when he stopped.

“What the hell I know you’re just as close as I am.” More kisses to my neck, and a definite smirk. 

“Maybe but I have better control, and I want to hear you say it. Come on you know you want to.” 

“Papi please.” I whined, he chuckled and whispered.

“You better hold onto something.”


	61. We Both Won

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I knew three things about him the same three things everyone else knew: he was smart, poor, and had a mouth on him.

I have always wanted to go to Harvard Law. It was the ultimate test of knowledge, the chance to beat the best. One of the most overt ways to show this battle to death mentality that pervaded most students was the annual mock trial. We all had done debates before but this was different. There was no hand holding, you made your own decisions, if it went sideways it was your fault, and your grade.

Another plus was that everyone could participate, it didn’t matter who you were or how far you were into law school you were, you got a chance to apply. The applications were made without names or class rank, it was on pure merit of a paper. 

From the 150 that were submitted only two were chosen, this year it had been me, I was honestly surprised, I am a freshman, but I guess I made an impression. My opposing counsel was Rafael Barba, a senior. I knew three things about him the same three things everyone else knew: he was smart, poor, and had a mouth on him. The case was simple enough, guy commits a B and E police catch him and search his car where they find enough cocaine to put him away for life. 

The defendant argues that it was illegal search and seizure, and the state, and with that the prosecution, has to argue the validity of their actions. I learned a lot of things about trial but even more about Rafael Barba. He was good, dangerously so, it was as if he was made for court.

You had to be careful, most law students were obvious in their tactics they used their knowledge and their evidence all at once, he preferred a slower method. The poke enough holes any boat will sink method, but I wasn’t a fool I saw his daggers.

It had been hard fight, but I had come out on top. I knew I had won, but I also knew it hadn’t been by much. My friends were probably already celebrating my victory but I wasn’t so hasty. It felt like a won battle but I still had my bruises. All I wanted now was a transcript of the trial, something to chart the course of the trial with and figure out what I had done wrong.

“Congrats on your victory.” Rafael had caught up to me.

“You were a worthy opponent. Dean Matheson could have gone either way, but I think that was the point. To show us what it’s like to argue the best you can and still lose or win by so little.” He smiled. I really did like him, he wasn’t entitled like all the others here. He had proven himself today.

“Thank you for those wise words.”

“Oh shut up. Come on let me buy you dinner.”

“Dinner?”

“Yeah why not? I beat you let me buy you dinner, plus I am hungry. I don’t think I have eaten more than two apples in the last week.” I am not sure what possessed me to do it, but I took his hand and pulled him along. About an hour and half later we were walking home, and he still hadn’t let go of my hand.

“So court in Massachusetts, How did you know?” This was how I had beat him, I simply questioned if our trial was held in Massachusetts or if was a federal case.

“I am an all knowing.” I giggled, I hadn’t giggled like this in a long time.

“Come on.”

“Ok fine I was looking up statues and found one that worked but it was only applicable in Michigan and so I got to thinking….”

“If we were Massachusetts.” We kept talking all the way home, but it had to end.

“So this is me, thanks for the walk home though I do think you may have set feminism back a bit.”

“Well then I’ll have to live with that.” He looked up at the old house with its gothic style architecture.

“Your apartment is beautiful.”

“Yeah we rent it from a widow, her husband used to teach here and after he died she lets one of us rent it every year, at a reduced price and the competition is fierce. She makes each applicant write an essay on what Harvard means to them and this year I won.”

“What did you write?”

“Oh no we aren’t that good friends yet.” I turned around to him and took his other hand. “So do you want to come up?”

“I don’t think I should.” I quirked an eyebrow, I thought we had been hitting it off, was his ego so bruised from trial. 

“Why?”

“Because I actually like you and…”

“Like Like me Like me?” He chuckled and my stomach did a backflip.

“Funny, no I genuinely like you, and we have spent the past two weeks trying to figure each other out and I have learned a lot and I like almost all of it.” He smirked down at me, I had seen this side of him during the trial, self assured and maybe a bit too cocky. 

“Almost?”

“Yeah your incessant need to win didn’t really go with what I was trying to accomplish but I am coming around to it.” I smiled, he seemed to be enjoying himself.

“I like you too, but I am not sure why that precludes you coming upstairs.”

“Because I like you I want tonight not to be a hookup. I want to take you on a real date that isn’t coming off of two weeks of intense competition.” He leant down and kissed my cheek, ”Quiero hacer contigo lo que la primavera hace con los cerezos.”*

”Quiero hacer contigo lo que la primavera hace con los cerezos.” - “I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees” - 20 poemas de amor y una canción desesperada Poema 14 by Pablo Neruda


	62. A Good And Broken Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our relationship had been on and off since we had gone head to head on a B and E about a year ago, he had expected one of Calhoun’s lackeys instead he got me.

I had gotten the call from Liv, and when Liv called this late I knew it was bad. Rafael Barba and I were like… well the only word that seems to fit is complicated and yet even that wasn’t really enough. Our relationship had been on and off since we had gone head to head on a B and E about a year ago, he had expected one of Calhoun’s lackeys instead he got me. 

True, I worked for Rita Calhoun but I wasn’t a lackey, and I think that is what endeared me to her, and to him. Since then we had spent several months breaking every rule in the civil code of conduct, during that time we had been more on the same side than not.

My boss had instructed me to be a helping hand to both the D.A.’s office and to SVU in particular, I knew it was all a PR stunt but I didn’t mind. Liv called while I was at the office, her only words had been, “You should look in on him tonight, and it’s bad.” 

Here I was, making sure my…friend? Didn’t get to hurt, as I turned into his hallway I heard it, the smashing of glass, and the crack of wood. Liv had been right it was bad tonight. Many people when they meet Rafael Barba think he is cold and calculating, and that impression isn’t wrong per say but it only proves a perfunctory look at him. Yes he was calculating, but always for a good cause. 

I had seen him torpedo any chance of a career beyond the D.A.’s office on multiple occasions only to stand up for SVU. I had seen him get death threats, and not only stomach them but try to make them seem insignificant, all for the good of the first real family he ever had.

The man who would spend hours arguing with me over every little detail in every court decision, where most people just told me “for the love of God go to bed”. 

Those were the evenings I liked the most, the long nights of conversation, usually it was shop talk, there wasn’t much else in our lives, but every now and again we would spend an hour or two discussing anything but shop. We would discuss how we gotten ourselves through law school, the games we played when we were kids, or we just sat in silence and it was just as comfortable. 

Those evenings made it seem like I had a friend, I knew we weren’t really friends just people who got together every now and again to have amazing sex. As I reached the door I heard the muttering of curses, great he had managed to hurt himself.

“Rafael what the hell are you doing?” I heard movement inside but the door didn’t open. 

“Look nothing I just set down a glass too hard.” Oh no this was not going to fly, I knew something had gone horrible wrong.

“Open the fucking door, I am not in the mood to play twenty questions.”

“I am fine, go home.”

“Yeah you and I both know that that is not going to happen. So open the door.” This convinced him I heard the lock click and seconds Rafael appeared in boxers and a white t-shirt with disheveled hair and the stench of scotch clinging to him. I looked down and saw that his hand was covered in blood.

“What the hell happened to you?”

“It’s nothing.”

“You’re bleeding this isn’t nothing.” I pushed passed him and into the apartment. I took of my coat, my blazer, and my heels. “Lets get you cleaned up.” I moved towards the kitchen sink. I had always admired his apartment, so clean and yet so homey. It really felt like someone lived here. 

“You don’t need to.”

“No I don’t but Liv asked me to and I like my friends, so I do them favors.” That wasn’t the whole truth, I had wanted to see him this weekend, Liv’s call had just come first. 

“I just sat a glass down wrong.”

“And that’s why your window is smashed?” I gestured over to the broken pane; he still thought he could keep things from me.

“I…”

“You put your hand through the window.”

“It was an…”

“Don’t play with me. You don’t need to be Lindstrom to see what is going on here.” His eyes narrowed.

“So enlighten me.”

“You wanted to see if you could still feel pain.” I said this quietly, but quickly felt the rage and the hurt come back into my voice. “What the hell happened today, what made you doubt yourself?”

“It’s not… I’ll drive myself to the emergency.”

“No you won’t, it’s New York City on a Friday night everyone and their mother is in the emergency rooms. I’ll put you back together, but you got to talk to me.” I rooted around in his cabinet for a while looking for gauze and other things that could help me clean him up. He just stood there till I was almost done, and then in a small voice he asked.

“Why do you even care?

“Because sex is harder with just 3 working hands.” He gave her a small smile. ”But seriously? I like you and I think your one of the best people I have met, and I’ll like to see you stick around a bit longer.”

This took Rafael aback, she wasn’t the type of person to just come out with her emotions, and she had never been forthcoming, preferring to talk about anything else. He had tried a few times to start a conversation about entering into a serious relationship, but she had shot him down every time. She led him to a chair and sat him down preparing all she needed to tend to his hand. She quickly went back to the kitchen and got him a glass of water. As she pressed the cool glass in his hand she asked:

“So what happened?”

“A little boy came into the station covered in blood saying that his mom was in the parking lot. We rushed outside to see, but we got to her too late, she had bleed out in the driver seat of her car.” He hissed as she cleaned his cut with rubbing alcohol, and even though he had paused she simply kept waiting for him to go on. “The boy, he ran outside with us he saw his mother like that…we found the family quite easily and the autopsy was clear only on one thing that she had bled to death. Wherever she had come from she had just gotten her boy to safety and she paid for it with her life. The father came and collected boy, but before he left the boy he told us of a bad man who was hurting his mother, and how he had to hide in a closet when he came. So we started looking at acquaintances and sent the boy home with his father. You have to understand we found no signs of domestic abuse, or at least that’s what we thought. I dismissed it and the boy, we moved onto other cases. Then today a domestic was called in… the boy…” He took a deep breath that seemed to rattle around his chest. “The father decided to punish his son for telling us about the bad man. When unis responded, they found the boy beaten to death…”

“Oh Rafael.” She finished wrapping the gauze.

“I sent that boy die.” He had finally set free to the thought that had been rattling around his head for the last hours.

“No you…” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

“No I did, that is the only thing I am sure of. I sent him home to die I should have seen it.”

“How? You and I know that ….”

“Because I used to be that boy, I just was lucky enough to not…” She pushed him away, the concern on her face replaced by a mix of anger and incredulity.

“Rafael you aren’t that boy ok? What happened to him isn’t a….”

“Isn’t it though? I should have seen the similarities.”

“Your correlation is weak, it would never hold up anywhere, but aside from the legal argument, this isn’t you. You smashed the window because you wanted to see if you could still feel pain. I hope this proves that you can.” At her own words her face went back to worry.

“I…”

“You are a great man Rafael, the fact that you take this this hard after all of these years, is admirable. Any lesser man would have just walked away, but your aren’t walking away. This guilt is good; it proves that you’re human. I… I am not sure I could do the same.” At this he looked up. 

“You?” He had always seen her as rock solid as if she was made out of titanium. 

“Me.” She gave him a sad smile, “I am not like you, and you’re made out of much tougher material than I am. I couldn’t do this and not loose my humanity, yours is still every much alive. Come on we are going to get you to bed.” She pulled him up and took his good hand and led him to his bed. 

“Why are you here?”

“Because Liv…”

“You could have come tomorrow morning.”

“I care about you. I have spent a long time alone, that’s just how I work. Yet in the last couple of months I find myself wanting to be near you and not to spend the night alone. So I am running with it.” As she helped him into bed he smiled up at her, and she returned his smile.

“Thank you, I will try to be worthy of your company.”

“And I of yours.” He closed his eyes, feeling just a bit happy. Yes tomorrow would come with the same doubts and pains as the night before, but doing it with her might just make it manageable.


	63. Dear Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I got this in the mail today. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read it. You remember Catalina Juarez?”

“Hey Rafael.” I walked into the ornate room where he was working late into the night. **  
**

“Hey cariño, what do you have there?” He got up and wrapped his arms around me, he looked so tired.

“I got this in the mail today. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read it. You remember Catalina Juarez?”

“Yeah she was my old babysitter.” He looked up in concern.

“She heard that your mother’s birthday was coming up and sent us her old journal.”

“Have you read it?”

“I started, and there are pictures.” I smiled wickedly at him.  

“Oh God.”

“No all wonderful stuff, trust me.” I pulled him to the couch and we settled in.  

_Dear Diary,_

_I finally got my first job today! I am so excited, Mrs. Barba is so nice and her son Rafael is so sweet, he is only five years old and already running around and exploring the world around him. Mrs. Barba is the last person on our street to get a babysitter, but she is finally going back to work. I am not sure why she was so scared to go back to work, she seems so happy talking about it. None of my other friends have that much responsibility, she is going to be gone all day. I am going to be so happy working there this summer, it is so much better than having to be at home with my sister._

_Read you later,_

_Catalina_

“I must say I love everything about this but my favorite part has to be the the read you later.”

“Yeah you would like her, you two have same humor.” He wrapped one of his arms around me.  

“We should go and visit her, she left her address. I know we don’t have a lot of time but…”

“No we should.”

“She still lives in the same neighborhood.” I looked up at him to see his reaction, he didn’t really like going back to his home, too many bad memories.

“Really would you really…” There was doubt in his voice, but what he didn’t know is that unlike him I wasn’t ashamed of where he grew up.   

“I would love to see where you grew up.”

_Dear Diary,_

_I am so tired, but so happy. I just finished my first week of work!!! It was so much fun, Rafael and I went to the park and and to the playground. He is so sweet, and I think he likes me. He calls me Lina, because he can’t say my name yet, it is so sweet. I see him every morning at seven am, because I get to wake him up. He gets dressed by himself, well mostly. I help him pick out what he will wear, but he is quite good at matching colors. And he talks, he knows something about everything, and he is so excited when someone is listening to him. We have breakfast and lunch together, he even helps me cook, well I cook and plays but he is so engaged. I have never met such a happy baby, the only time he cried was when his dad came home, but I think that was just because he came home late, and smelled like a bar._

_Read you later,_

_Catalina_

“I forgot she was only a freshman in highschool when she started babysitting me.”

“How long did she…”

“Every summer till I was old enough to take care of myself, and then she babysat my sisters.”

“She seems so sweet.”

“She was, never a bad word about anyone even if they deserved it.”

_Dear Diary,_

_Rafael and I went to the Bronx Zoo today, he loved it. I think he loved the dolphins the most, they did a little show for the kids. He was giggling at the orangutans, because they were showing their butts. I thought he would cry when we went to see the cobras but nothing he was fascinated. He asked a million questions, he always had a follow up. It wasn’t some sort of small child babble either he really wanted to know, and he listened so well. I have never met a kid that is so well behaved, my little brother has never behaved that well. I see Mrs. Barba every evening and she looks tired but happy, I really think she loves teaching but is scared what will happen when school starts again. I told I would watch Rafael whenever I could. She did have a bruise on monday morning, she told me that she bumped into the door frame, but I don’t thinks she did, she got this sad look in her eyes when she said it._

_Read you later,_

_Catalina_

“Oh the Bronx Zoo that is why you wanted to take Noah and Jesse?” I smiled at the memory, he had been so shy about it, as if it was some sort of great favor.

“Yeah some of my best memories are there.” He leaned his head on my shoulder.

“We definitely will, I’ll talk to Amanda and Liv when I go back to the station.”

“Thanks. He lifted his head up just to kiss the my temple.

_Dear Diary,_

_Rafael went to his first day of Kindergarten today, he goes to the same school that I used to go to. I hope he has Mrs. Crane, she was a great teacher. When he came home he told me that he had two new friends: Alex and Eddie. They have already planned a play date for next weekend, I didn’t think the parents have been consulted but they seem so excited. Maybe I can be there to supervise, I know Mrs. Barba might want a day off. For now I have to go back to school, but I will try and see Rafael as much as I can._

_Read you later,_

_Catalina_

“Are you crying?”  

“No.” I wiped a tear away.

“Cariño why are you crying?”

“Because I have never been more in love with you than I am right now.”

“Why?”

“Because this little boy who grew up in horrible circumstances was still the light in so many people’s lives, and it not only reminds me how lucky I am now, and it shows me how wonderful our kids will be.”


	64. One Last Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So as I lay here I have a couple of options, one: lay on this floor and bleed out, it would be the most painless option.

Many people say they do surgery to feel the adrenaline, to hold a human heart in their hands. I do it because it relaxes, when I stand over a patient ready to take them apart nothing else matters. I grew up in a house full of people, and the only time I could find quiet, was when I was finding out how things worked. 

I knew would become a surgeon. So as I lay here I have a couple of options, one: lay on this floor and bleed out, it would be the most painless option. Second was trying to fix it. Can I save myself? I lifted myself slightly, and the pain was incredible, it would be so much easier just to lay here. I reach and felt my back, damn it no exit that means the bullets are still inside of me. This also meant that moving could be dislodge the bullets, and that would be the end. As I looked around the wrecked OR room, fear rose from my stomach into my throat.

**FLASHBACK:**

I knew the second I saw the look on his face that I wasn’t going to be able to do this. That there would be no way, this wasn’t right. Relationships like this never work out. I had never done this before. I knew I needed a clean cut, no jagged edges or bad stitches.

“I can not do this,” I said standing next to him.

“What?” Rafael asked surprised looking up from his morning New York Times.

“This domesticity! We agreed on meaningless sex, to blow off steam after long days without having to look for a halfway decent lay.”

“I thought we could talk,” he said looking calm and putting down his coffee, as if he hadn’t just proposed a huge change in our relationship

**END FLASHBACK:**

I met Rafael Barba and immediately got into and got a screaming match with him. He had come to interview a suspect, who had not been cleared after heart surgery. He had tried absolutely everything to get to this patient, and I stopped him. What struck me most during that encounter was his passion, not for his own interest, but for someone he barely knew. I had never felt that sort of passion for anything except surgery. Yet seeing that passion in Rafael was infectious. After we had settled our differences about patients, we fell into a routine. We both would get off really long days of work get a drink, and then go at each other like bunny rabbits.  Then a couple of hours ago everything had changed.

**FLASHBACK:**

“No we can’t, you broke our agreement. You said you could handle no strings attached, you said you would be fine leaving personal things aside, yet here you are.” I knew I was talking myself into a rage, but I didn’t care I needed to get this off my chest. “I am so sorry to disappoint you, this isn’t the part in the movie where you sweep me up into your arms, and say, “I have loved you all along,” and I just sigh and kiss you.” Now my chest was heaving, this was all too much. How could he expect this of me? “You are not infatuated with the real me, you have constructed some sort of perfected refracted version of me that you think you can just love and everything will just fall into place. If you were really in love with me you would know, that I would never want this.” I said gesturing to the space between us, you want to change something that is running so smoothly why?”

I didn’t wait for answer I just kept going. “I am not that person. I never have been, and relationships do not work out for me. So what ever lovable version of me you have created in your own head is wrong.” Now I was getting to him, I could see it in his eyes, he tried to keep them as cool and understanding as possible but I could see the flashes of anger and hurt. “And how many kids do you want Rafael? What did you tell me once you want a whole basket of them? Not only can I not give you that but I also don’t want to.” I had never told anyone that. It just came out. I knew I was too far-gone now, and decided to just finish my rant. “You really want this twisted broken woman, whose only accomplishment comes from cutting people open? Who you cannot, and should not see a future with? Who doesn’t want the same things you do? Who has no interest being your girlfriend? Do you really want that?”

**END FLASHBACK:**

I needed to move, how do you move with bullets in your torso. Simple answer: by not moving your torso. This of course was easier said than done. I surveyed the room, and saw Louise, Louise my favorite scrub nurse had been in the OR with me doing the final round of checks and she screamed. That was her mistake; he shot her straight in the chest. A few feet away from her lay, the man who started all of this. He laid three as if taking a nap; the only thing off was the fact that a bullet had pierced his skull. His head was a mangled mess of flesh bone and brain matter. Yet his state wasn’t my concern it was the thing he carried on his hip. A phone. I needed that phone; I needed someone to know I was alive. I needed him to know I was alive. I carefully rolled over onto my stomach, I had realized this was the best approach since not only would I not engage my torso I also had a temporary seal on my wound, known as the floor. I used my hands by some miracle they worked as pushed myself along the floor. I knew that the O.R. wasn’t that big, that is the way I liked it. O.R.s that are too big invite unwanted guests. Yet each movement I made felt like it would be the last. As I slide across the floor, trying desperately not to lose consciousness, and someone how getting through the pain. As I got closer to Louise, she looked peaceful, except that there was a huge dark red stain on her pink scrubs. I felt bad I knew that she had a family, we never talked about them, but I knew they existed. She had been my first scrub nurse when I had come to NYC, she had been the only who had been straight with me, and I appreciated that. I refocused on my target, and kept moving, after what felt like a millennium. I reached I’m and I reached and missed touching his hand for a second his body was still warm I jerked my hand back I have touched hundreds of dead bodies but here I was repulsed I tried again and this time I got the phone. I flip it open and I know I should call 911 but I couldn’t do it I couldn’t get myself to do it. I started typing a different number. I had to hear his voice one last time. I felt every ring reverberate around my head.

“Hello” there was that voice of timber, my heart constricted.  

“Rafael” I gasp realizing there wasn’t much time left “I am so sorry about this morning, I went a bit crazy I know I am broken and I was trying to protect you.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I had to tell you before I die.”  

“Die? What is happening” I smiled to myself he cared, I hadn’t ruined it all.

“He just came in he shot Louise”  

“Are you ok?”

“Today was Mr. Henderson’s surgery and he came in and shot.” I said coughing on the phone, blood appearing on the screen.

“You have been shot!” he yelled and I heard rustling. He seemed to be searching for something.

“I don’t care if I die, I just wanted to apologize. I know I am not the easiest to be with.  No I don’t want kids now and marriage seems absurd, but if I were ever going to try something like that. The only person I would want to do this with is you.” I cried, feeling the tears spring out of my eyes.  

“Hang on. I am going to help you do not fall asleep what did you once tell me that falling asleep is a bit like death but less permanent. Come on remember when we went to that secret spot in Hyde Park with that little pond. You said you would love to go there in the spring. Come on you said that sweet smell of flowers and the little ducklings in the pond.”

I smiled weakly, “Yeah that would be fun. I can smell the flowers and oh there is that one duckling that is swimming ahead he’s going to go places.” I fade out life became black.  

**Barba’s Point of View:**

Barba was about to lose it she wasn’t responding, “YN, YN” he yelled but no response.

He doesn’t know how the next couple of minutes go it is all blur. Her hospital wasn’t that far away there was no way he could drive there and time and it was rush hour come on. SO he started running, there were yells of his name but they faded out of his mind as soon as they came in.

He had no idea how he got to the hospital but he did as he ran up the steps ready to cough up his lungs and his heart about to explode. He saw Olivia and yelled her name.

“Barba what are you doing here” Olivia asked incredulously.

Breathing heavily he said “shot.”

“I know, the doctors are tending to her” seeing Barba’s face she added “she is going to be ok, Rafael.” After moment she said, “I didn’t know you two, even knew each other than that time you yelled at her.”

“Yeah we have… become… friends”

“You don’t run like that if your friends,” she said inquisitively. Barba thought it useless to lie to her.

“She called me, she told me… she loved me.”

“Are you to two?” she asked if her whole world had brightened.  

“I don’t know but I need to see her.” he said honestly.

**Y/N Point of View:**

My eyes open and there he was, just like I hoped he would be.

“Hey” I said weakly, though not in pain.  

“Hey Cariño” he said wiping the sleep from his eyes. He had stayed overnight, my heart lifted.  

Before I could control myself I said with as much force as I could muster  “I love you god damn it I am dumb.”

“No Cariño” he said smiling with understanding.  

“I love that nickname, you should be Rafi, or avocado, or uhh darling.” I smiled feeling light with joy, with that giggles burst from my chest.

Kissing my forehead he said with his signature smirk “I think the morphine has gotten to you.”


	65. Punching Nick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ok I am sorry if this question seems strange, but why did you punch my partner of four years?”

“You punched him?” I yelled storming into his office. He looked up startled from his papers, but quickly regained his composure.

“Yes.”

“Ok I am sorry if this question seems strange, but why did you punch my partner of four years?”

“Because he kissed you”

“Yes and …”

“Do I need to say more?” I saw how tired he looked, he must be horribly stressed, but it didn’t matter at that moment. 

“You assaulted a police officer, you should say more or you’re going to find yourself on the opposite end of some handcuffs pretty soon, and not the fun kind.”

“But he kissed you.”

“To keep our cover asshole. Remember Santos has no idea that I am a cop, he thinks I am some sort of high end escort and I want to keep it that way, so I can go back undercover and get the rest of those asshole, and deliver them to you with a beautifully RICO colored bow. Now I have to go back in there and sell that not only Nick’s dirty but you too.”

“Wait but I am not…” The confused look on his face drove my voice back up to screaming. 

“Ok I can’t believe we have to do this again. Nick and I are cops, you are an ADA, I am posing as a high end prostitute with mob connections, and it is illegal and highly fishy for you to be seen much less punching Nick. You better apologize to him. He did not deserve that, and he has been a good partner from day one. How could you ever doubt that I loved you? And what the fuck was the point of that caveman like display?”

“Look I am sorry, I overreacted on instinct, I just…”

“Could you stop comparing me with Yelina?” I could see her in his eyes.

“YN.” I ignored his warning tone and plowed on. 

“No seriously I get it she hurt you, she is a complete and utter bitch, and her and her husband are guilty of a lot of shit. Including but not limited to dragging down your self-esteem every time they are mentioned. You are letting them win; they want you to feel like shit. You can show the rest of the world that stony exterior of yours, but you cannot pull that shit with me. I know you to well. Now to show I really love you…” I sat down on his lap and kissed him. How could he ever doubt that I loved him, when he made me this happy?

“YN we are at the office.”

“Your office not mine, plus I don’t think you would want to-do it in my office in full view of everyone.” I stopped up and walked to the other side of the room. “Here we have this little handy contraption called a door, and guess what it locks.” With that I locked it, and sauntered back over to him. He said my name again and but this time in more of a teasing tone.

“You can say no, I won’t blame you but…”

“Of course I won’t say no, I just want to state that in general this is a bad idea.”

“We could wait until we get home…”

“No.”

“That’s my boy.” I unbuckled his belt, and smiled at his ever-growing erection. Knowing that at any moment there could be a knock on the door, or worse a phone call, I made quick work of his pants and underwear.

“Say hello to my little friend”

“YN you have never even seen Scarface.”

“So what?” He wanted to retort but I cut him off by kissing up and down his shaft. He groaned. I could feel the tension in him grow. I now altered between nips and kisses, and he slowly started bucking his hips, I knew he wouldn’t last long. I so I started sucking, first just the tip,

Mierda cariño the more of him I took the longer the string of Spanish curses got. When I knew he was teetering on the edge, I started to play with his balls, and that was too much for him. He came. As he started coming down from his orgasm, still breathing heavily I stood up, and said, “Anyway I can be of service” I licked my lips, and kissed his forehead.


	66. Light and Dark

“What the hell Rafael, what were you thinking? Actually I can answer that you weren’t thinking.” We had ended up on the sidewalk outside of Cormac’s Irish pub, with his hand tight around my wrist.

“He was…” He turned around to me his forest eyes still aflame.

“What?”

“He was touching you.”

“Oh no! A friend of mine touched me. Shit I need to go back and tell all the people who have ever touched me, to never think of doing that again. I am not sure what I need to do to get this through your thick skull. I love you, no one else. I don’t want that guy, even though that arm touching was steamy. I don’t want Carisi, partially because he feels like my younger brother, and is more puppy than human, and Amanda is not my type, I am not into blondes. Next you’ll be asking me if I am screwing Tucker….” I looked up in his face, and I saw actual fear. “Wait no, ok I am not sure who fucked you up this bad.” I mean I did know, but that wasn’t a fight I wanted to have on the street. “I love you ok. I get being protective, but this is insane. I mean this can’t be a result of…” I cut myself, and refused to talk till we got into our apartment. Then I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Is this because of your father?” I saw his eyes darken I was in this now.

“Y/N don’t.” His tone sounded final, but I pushed on.

“No seriously you need to talk about this. If not to me than pick a psychologist. Get drunk and talk to Liv, I don’t care but you need to take care of this.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yes it is. I get it is painful, but don’t you get this is what he wanted. He may be dead 16 years but he his still taunting you, and…”

“Don’t you dare…”

“What are you going to do? Hit me?” Well the calm tone that I had wanted to impose into my voice was gone.

“No. I would never…”

“Come on you have thought about it? Don’t lie to me, you have.”

“Never. I would never…”

“That’s not what I asked Rafael. I asked if you had thought about it. I annoy you, I know I do. You have thought about hitting me, shutting me up. In the heat of the moment?”

“I have never laid a hand on a woman.”

But you have wanted to right, right? You want to sometimes when I am out of line. Put me in my place.”

“So what if I have.” I saw his angry façade crumble, and saw the scared little boy who had to hide from his father when he got too drunk. I smiled sweetly, leading him to the couch, and pulling him towards me.

“That makes you human. Don’t you get it? We all want to hit each other every now and again. Humans are creatures of emotions…”

“Are you excusing my father and his…”

“Of course not. God no, there is never an excuse for domestic abuse. But I want you to know that what you are feeling is normal. Do you think the women who shake their babies to death want to kill their babies? No of course not. They are so fed up, so tiered, of the diapers and the screaming that they do the only thing that their completely fried brain can cook up. My point is that you are human, you have faults…” I pulled his face to mine, to make sure he got the next part. “I promise you here and now, that till the day I die, I will be here for you to knock you back into place, when you are out of order. I don’t care if we are sworn enemies, I don’t care if we break up, or wind up on the other side of the isle. I will always be there for you.” I stroked his face, and kissed his forehead.

“I am sorry, I just I see him in me I…” I he leaned against me, sobs breaking from his chest.

“I know; think about Olivia, she is afraid that Noah will turn out like Johnny D, that she is forgetting that she is a wonderful mother that will do everything in her power to help her son. She would walk to the ends of the earth for him. “We have both light and dark in us Rafael, it is the part we choose to act on that defines us.”

“Did you just cite Harry Potter at me?” A watery smile had appeared on his face, I returned it.

“It works in all situation, and I’ll order and pay for your favorite coffee beans right now if you can tell me from which part it is.” He smirked, and I knew I was out 50 bucks.

“Order of the Phoenix.”

“Damn it, one bag over overpriced fair trade ethically and organically grown shit farmed coffee beans.”

“I love you.” He sat up and kissed my cheek, handing me my laptop. 

“I love you too, and I will keep reminding you of that till the end of time.”


	67. Sunburn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Touch me and die.” I was curled up on the couch in pain, as Rafael tried to get near to me.

“Touch me and die.” I was curled up on the couch in pain, as Rafael tried to get near to me. 

“I am not the one who decided to run the NY marathon yesterday, without sunscreen.”

“At least I ran, you just sat there in your coordinated little outfit. Have you ever actually used that outfit?” 

“Which one of us is sunburned?”

“The only reason you’re not sunburned is because you didn’t actually run. I ran with my fellow NYPD detectives. We may not have come in first or any other place that counts, but we did it.” I smiled, we might be able to catch criminals, but marathon runners were a whole other ballpark. 

“I know, and the city of New York thanks you. Now come here and let me put aloe on you.” He grabbed the bottle and poured a bit onto his hand.

“I don’t need aloe im fine.” There was no way I was letting anyone touch me.

“You’re right, because you didn’t just threaten my life if I were to touch you. So I definitely think you’re fine.”

“Ok fine, but please it hurts”

“I promise it will hurt less with the aloe.”

“Promise?”

“Yes cariño, now come here.”

“Ow.”

“I haven’t touched you yet.” He warmed up the liquid in his hand, and slowly and as deliberately as possible ran his hands over my back. A little while later after a couple of yelps of pain, he asked. “Ok, so tell me about what you are doing with the money you raised yesterday?”

“We are going take the money and donate it to organizations that help get rape kits tested. Since all of ours are tested at once, we don’t need the money, but after what Olivia saw, we have to support others. Till now we haven’t found ways to legally have our lab test them, without stepping on a whole lot of red tape but… we are working on it.”

“A Harvard friend of mine might help, he runs…”

“Cutting The Red Tape yeah I know, I called him but their caseload could eat yours for breakfast.” I heard him chuckle and we fell again into comfortable silence. That was the thing, we could be silent with each other, no filler needed, it felt nice. After a while he stood up and kissed my cheek. 

“All done.”

“Thank you.”

“For you anytime, now come sit on this towel so you don’t ruin my couch.” I rolled my eyes, but sat up and kissed him, I forgot the stinging pain for a minute. Turns out sunburn doesn’t have to be all bad.


	68. Overprotective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not that anyone would say anything, because if they did Father-to-be Rafael Barba would not be happy.

This wasn’t supposed to happen this way. They had put you on desk duty for a reason, but this asshole had slipped the team at every turn, so I had decided to step in. At eight months pregnant you were a balloon. Not that anyone would say anything, because if they did father-to-be Rafael Barba would not be happy. 

I mostly laughed off his overprotective nature, it was cute, to a point. There had been one or two times were I had had to step in. Like that time a witness had made a snide remark about how big were my boobs had gotten. Rafael had almost ripped the guy’s head off, it had taken both Sonny and Liv to restrain him. 

Now it was different, now I was in the interrogation room. Many believed that my belly would be a hinderance in my interrogation skills, but it had proven an asset. Even rapists couldn’t argue with a pregnant lady for too long, or maybe they were intimidated by my size. Either way, I was standing in the middle of an interrogation when I felt my pants get wet, and I instinctively knew, Frederick was ready to meet the world. The perp looked as horrified as I felt.

“Excuse me sir, I am about to have baby. Remain calm, someone will be in to interrogate you soon.”

What had that dumb pregancy class teacher said, how was I supposed to breathe, why had he dragged me to that lady anyway? Right for a smooth pregnancy, but nothing about delivering at 32 weeks was smooth. Yes the babies were usually ok, but… Oh god where was he? 

Looking at my watch, ok he would be in court for another half hour so. I looked down at my belly.

“You are staying in there for another half an hour, you might have messed up my interrogation but you wil not mess up your dad’s day in court." 

"Y/N are you ok?” Carisi looked scared as I opened the door to Liv’s office. 

“I am a ray of sunshine Carisi. My water broke, but I feel like I could run a marathon.”

“But you have another…" 

"Yes the baby is early.”

“My sister had a birth plan, do you have…”

“No why the hell would I?“

"Birth plans have shown to…" 

"Carisi I still have a gun on my hip, and I might be in labor but I could still outshoot you." 

"What do you want to do?” Now the boy was getting my language. 

“I want to go back in there and get that son of bitch." 

"Y/N what the hell why aren’t you in the hospital?” It looked like Rafael had run the mile from the courthouse. 

“Rafael you were in court…” I hugged him and then started to hang on to him. 

“Yeah Liv came and got me." 

"Look I am sorry this comes at the wrong time…" 

"You are in labor, there is no such thing as the right time cariño." 

"Yeah but the trial." 

"Screw the trial you are having our kid, there is nothing more important than the two of you right now." 

After a long night of pushing and squeezing Rafael’s hand so bad that I must have broken it ten or twenty times, we were finally alone together with Freddy. 

"He is amazing.” Rafael said gently rocking him in his sleep. 

“He is, and you are an amazing father, this might be the one thing you are better at than me.” He smiled up at me, I knew right then and there that this was the start of a family that would be together for decades to come, and I had never been happier.


	69. Bean Dip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Take your dirty paws off my bean dip.” I worked all day on this bean dip, it had taken a couple of tries but I had finally got it right, and no one would ruin this.

“Take your dirty paws off my bean dip.” I worked all day on this bean dip, it had taken a couple of tries but I had finally got it right, and no one would ruin this. 

“Wait you are brining it?”

“Yes isn’t that what you do?” I had never been the kind of girl, someone would bring home to their family.

“My mom has been cooking all day.”

“Oh no, you think my dip will be an insult to her cooking?” I Started spiraling, he was right who was To bring outside food.

“No…”

“Oh god your right how could I have been so stupid.” I took the bean dip and upended it in the the trash.

“No, Y/N that’s not what I meant.” What the hell , he made me throw out the dip that almost beat me.

“Wait you said it would be seen as an….”

“No I said, that she has been cooking all day, and you didn’t let me finish.”

“And now we have no food.” All that work, and now no food and no gift, what was Going to do. 

“But I got flowers.” He pulled out a beautiful bouquet. 

“Oh I love you Rafael Eduardo Barba.” I pulled him into a kiss. 

“I love you too cariño, ready to go.” I checked myself in the mirror for what seemed like the umpteeth time, and seeing nothing wrong I grabbed his hand. Getting out of the cab at his Mom’s apartment.

“Do you still have the flowers?” 

“Yes, cariño you haven’t left them out of your sight for the last twenty minutes.”

The first hour went well, until she was bringing out the desert when the thought struck me.

“Should we have brought a vase?”

“My mother has enough, and you need to calm down. We are fine. She loves you.”

“No, she loves you. She doesn’t love me.”

“She will.”

“You can not promise that, and there are so many things that can go wrong. Like the fact that you are her oldest child, so she is extra protective of you…Oh don’t give me that look. I’m a good seven years younger than you, so she is probably thinking that I’m a gold digger. Let’s not forget my family history of addiction, or my non existent religion. Oh I am also the idiot who is having her son’s child out of wedlock.” I suddenly felt nauseous and instinctively cupped my almost non-existent belly.

“I don’t think any of that.” I looked up and there she was standing, smiling and reassured. 

“Oh Mrs. Barba I’m so sorry I… Didn’t mean to, Oh I ruined the surprise.” I felt myself starting to sob again.

“¿Mami podría darnos un minuto?” The door shut quietly and, Rafael started to rub my back, as I sank onto his childhood bed.

“Carino your ok, we…”

“No I can’t do this. We should break up. I’ll move to some comune, and have the baby. I Can raise it to become a carrot farmer in the commune.”

But then realization came all too quickly.   
“But I don’t know how to grow carrots.” Renewed sobs broke out of my chest.

“Ok no one is moving to this carrot farm commune. We are going to have this baby, and a wonderful family. Nothing is going to change that, ok? What did I tell you on our first date?”

I smiled weakly at the memory.

“If we do this, it’s going to be you and me against the world”

“Now we are just adding this little one into the platoon. The three of us against the world.” He lifted my chin to his his face and kissed my cheek.

The door creaked open again, and Mrs. Barba walked back in carrying a tray.

“Y/N I brought you some tea.”

“Oh thank you, you didn't…”

“Rather than talking about why I was sitting in my boyfriend’s childhood bedroom, she simple said.

“I went through the same thing when I was pregnant with Rafael.” The rest of the evening was spent telling stories about Rafael, usually he would not have let this go on, but I was bonding with his mother and that was the most important.


	70. Angry Sex (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah but better a living link than a dead one.”

"You did what?” I hadn’t been in the door two seconds and I already know that this was going to be a fight, as always this could end one of two ways. I told him the facts.

“I operated.”

“Her clothes had evidence on…”

“Yes and her heart had stopped, I prioritized.”

“Y/N that evidence could have put him away for the rest of his life. That girl could have been our missing link.”

“Yeah but better a living link than a dead one.”

“What did your people do with the clothes?”

I took off my heels, and hung up my coat.

“Like everything else, it goes with our medical waste.”

“Is there anyway we can…”

“No you can’t, the hospital… I won’t allow you. You can’t just go rooting around medical waste, there is a reason why it is called waste>”

“That evidence.”

“Is now contaminated.”

“Was there anything you saved?”

I took him my his suspenders, and looked him straight in the eyes, He needed to understand this.

“No I was too busy saving her life, to make sure to get a piece of her clothes. I’ll takes better care next time.”

“Thank you.” He looked exhausted, but I didn’t care I wasn’t going to let him win this one.

“Excuse me I was being sarcastic.” Probably in an effort to shut me up, he grabbed my face and kissed me. It wasn’t like the kiss this morning, sweet and quick. This was rough and full of anger.

“I wasn’t, I need that evidence we can only hold him for 48 hours, without charging him.”

“I know, but you brought him in. I thought you gather the evidence first before you haul people in. Because what use is power when you can’t use it to haul people in whenever you want?” I grabbed him by his collar and pulled him closer.

He moved from my lips to my collar bone, and murmured “He’s guilty.”

“Allegedly, and you guys fucked up don’t put that on me.”

“Had you just…”

He wanted to keep fighting and have sex fine by me, I pulled my scrub top over my head, and started to unbutton his shirt. Noticing the change in clothing, he started on the clasp of my bra.

“I saved her life. She is alive in a hospital room because of me.”

He peppered kisses up and down my neck, and took off my bra, taking me into his hands he stopped for a second admiring them, and gave small pursed kisses to each nipple, as a result some inhuman sounds came out of me, he always knew how to stop me talking.

“You don’t know what happened to…”

I pushed him away for a second to get his attention.

“You think I didn’t see the damage? You don’t think that turns my stomach. I saw the cuts, the bruises, and the bite marks. I understand what’s going on, and it is a miracle she survived that attack. All I tried to do was expand her miracle a little longer.”

He went to pull me closer but I stopped him first stepping out of both underwear and pants.

“You…”

“You what? I spent the last 8 hours making sure that her heart didn’t give out, before Dr. Hartman had time to repair the damage that the knife did.” He reached out and cupped me in his hand, slowly using only his index finger he started to play with my clit.

“Rafael.” I whined, I might have the most logical argument, yet in the end he always won. He pushed one finger inside me, and started massaging my favorite spot right away, I started to cum, but then he stopped

“Did you keep the pieces?”

I was ready to kill him, not only did he put me in this state, but he wasn’t ready to finish what he started. I pushed him to our bedroom and onto our bed. Two could play at this game. I pulled him up to me by his belt loops and unzipped his slacks, and started to massage him through his boxers. I needed this and him now, plus usually orgasms end arguments. Rather than ask more questions he put his hand back where it belonged, and started pumping in earnest.

“Fuck.”

“What carino?” I was ready to wipe that smirk off his face. I collapsed onto him, and he rolled us so he could be on top.

“Fuck me.” He obliged. I hadn’t realized he had shed his pants and his boxers, but that became abundantly clear when he pushed inside me. Giving me a second to adjust, and then he started thrusting

“Cum for me carino.” he whispered gently into my ear. I smiled up at him.

“Only if you do it with me.”


	71. That's Not Spanish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why are we here?”

“Why are we here?”

“Because we love our son.”

“Yeah but come on this is insane.”

“Oh it is. It is watering down of culture to a flag and some store bought cupcakes, but we pay good money for this school, and a bit of culture is better than no culture.” We found ourselves at one of those elementary picnics, with kids having booths portraying their countries.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Barba, I am so happy to see you.”

I leaned over to Rafael “Matt’s teacher.”

“Yes Mrs. Stevenson, how are you?”

“Good, I wanted to tell you that your son just won our top prize.”

“He did?” Matt was competitive but there must be other…

“Yes, no kid has gotten this many countries before.”

“Sorry?”

“We have world maps, and we let each kid label as many as they can, and Matt got the most out of everyone.” My heart swelled with pride, I knew those placemats were doing some good.

“Oh great, how many did he get?”

“He got fifty.”

“There are a 196 countries in the world and you are congratulating a kid who got a little more than a quarter.”

“Well yes the other kids…”

Rafael stepped in. “Thank you Mrs. Stevenson.”

“Mami, Mami. Is it ok if I go to Noah’s booth?”

“Absolutely mi hijo but make sure to be back for your presentation, I didn’t construct it for nothing. And tell aunt Liv that we are fine with the sleepover tonight.”

“You and your booth, I realize you are proud but this is a bit insane.”

“I constructed this booth myself.”

“You slapped some wood together and called it a booth.”

“For a kid from the Bronx. It is my masterpiece.”

“What you’re telling me that Harvard didn’t have woodshop.”

“Now we know what’s missing from…Oh no, what the… mierda. That’s not…Spanish” I must have, looked confused because Rafael pointed down the schoolyard. “Look at that kid’s sign: Allo roados lead to Chiloeo.”

I wrapped my arms around him, and put my head to his chest. 

“Te amo, Rafael.”

“Te amo, tambien”


	72. Competition (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning had started off quite tame. But then it came to the dishes. It was one of days that neither of us really wanted to the washing up. So as most things that we fought about it became a competition.

The morning had started off quite tame. But then it came to the dishes. It was one of days that neither of us really wanted to the washing up. So as most things that we fought about it became a competition. Yet when we were walking out of the we knew we couldn’t keep competing. So as we walking up the steps of the courthouse Rafael whispered in my ear. “I know how we can determine the winner. Whoever kisses the other first before the end of the day, loses, and has to do the dishes.”

I could get behind this, “Bets on, and trust me I’ll win.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure Cariño.” God, he knew me way too well luckily that went both ways.

I turned around and said, “I love the way you’re dressed.” straightening his tie, and fixing his collar, I felt his chest puff out a bit; I knew I had done it. The morning was full of requisition forms; you never think that police work has a ton of paperwork. Yet it did, every action had to be justified. I loved Liv to death, but she was more about the cases than she was about the paperwork, so I did most of her paperwork for her. I needed a break, so I texted him: “Not having the greatest day, Carisi just spilled hot coffee on me.”

He answered almost immediately: “Sorry Cariño, if you want I can take you to lunch to make up for it.”

“No it’s fine I’ll bring lunch to your office.” Now for phase two, the right food. Lucia Barba was always cooking for us. She said that if we didn’t learn to eat properly, and just ate junk food so that she would never get grandkids. So I called and asked if she had something I could bring him. Wanna win a bet? Simple just get him his favorite mom cooked meal. I walked into feeling confident.

“Hey papi.”

“Regina you got here fast, it takes forever to get food at Maul’s.”

“Oh no I went to a more exclusive restaurant. Your mom’s kitchen.” I toed off my heels and padded across to his desk, and kissing his cheek.

“You didn't…” an almost childlike smile spread across his face.

“I did, she sends her love, and tells you to stop working so hard, and get on with giving her grandkids. Her words not mine.” 

“Let’s start by enjoying the food.” I took to setting up, as he cleared his conference table. I bent over to reach for the cutlery, and my shirt opened so he could see the lace bra I had put on this morning.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw his eyes widen, and his hands tense. “Cariño your shirt is open.” Oh how sweet, he was trying to steady his voice.

“Yes what about it?”

“Is this your twisted way of trying to win the bet?”

“I brought you your favorite food, wore revealing blouse, and you are complaining?”

“No not at all just suspicious.”

I was about to respond when Rafael’s door burst open, and Carisi stormed in. “Barba, what the hell what happened to our warrant… Regina your here.” Carisi had come at the exact right time, time to win this bet. A bit of flirting with my fellow detective was going to clinch the win.

“Yes I am, and I am guessing you are here because…”

“The stupid McGowan warrant did not go through, we stood there for hours trying to convince 1PP that we weren’t horribly incompetent.” 

I stood up and walked over to him and put my hand on his chest, “Calm down Sonny no one is incompetent, and we are all fine.” 

“It’s…” He looked so helpless so I pulled him into a hug, not even thinking about the bet anymore.

“No take a breath relax, isn’t your turn to go home and feed Jesse?” I squeezed him, and patted his cheek

He perked up at my words “Thanks doll.” He lent down and kissed my cheek, I somehow got myself to blush, and I could practically feel the jealousy vibrating inside Rafael. The second Rafael was out of the door, I was pushed face first against the wall.

“What the hell Rafael?”

“I don’t care about the bet, you are mine.” He kissed my neck and put his hand up my shirt playing with my hard yet clothed nipples. “Mine.” Squeeze. “Mine.” Another kiss on my back and this time he had reached under my bra and was rolling my nipple back and forth.

“Keep sweet-talking and this could go a whole new direction.” I knew I had no power now, but I sure as hell was going to try.

“Strip.” He whispered, and so I did. I had no idea what about him made me want to follow his every order. So I did, I stood with my back to him and started slowly unzipping my pants. I let them fall to the floor. I reached back and started undoing my bra, but I thought better of it, and simply asked, “You wanna help me out of this?” I felt his huge hands, tracing up my spine, and slowly undoing my bra, when done, he pulled me to his chest and started just holding my boobs. Using just his thumbs to keep my nipples hard.

I wanted to end this torture. “I was pretty close to breaking a couple of times you know. I could barely concentrate; I just keep thinking about you grabbing me and taking me.” He growled.

“Oh Cariño don’t ask for something, if you aren’t sure.” He knelt down to the curve of my ass, and started kissing it. Soft open-mouthed kisses started slowly pulling down my underwear, lazily using a finger to play with my clit. It was just enough stimulation to hold me right on the edge.

The only coherent thought I had was, “Papi please harder.” I could feel him smirk. I might have won the bet, but he was going to win the war. I then realized he was still fully clothed, while I was stark naked. Though he didn’t seem to mind.

“Come on Cariño, bend over the table for me.” On wobbly legs I walked over to the table, I knew he was enjoying the view that man knew how to win. I heard his pants unzip and felt him push inside me. “You are going to want to hold onto something.”


	73. Going Down In An Earlier Round (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A fluke of some kind has happened. Some sort of weird cosmic event.”

“Hey you wanted something?” I leaned against Rafael’s door. 

“A fluke of some kind has happened. Some sort of weird cosmic event.”

“What?”

“My schedule is clear.” He seemed in awe, but I didn’t see it yet.

“So we all have clear afternoons they are usually end up…”

“No you don’t understand I have done all the paperwork, I have written the motion for the McCourt case which will be filed Monday morning, the summary of the Tearsen case is on O’Dwyer’s desk, and I finally finished my cabinet reorganization project.”

“There has to be something.” Now I was blown away, this never happened. This was like finding the Holy Grail.

“No look the whiteboard is empty,” he had pointed to what was the scourge of our family time, an old worn out whiteboard that always contained something to do. 

“I have never seen your white board empty.”

“Me either.”

“On the day of Catalina was born there were things…” I had gone into labor in this room, since we wanted to finish the list before going to the hospital, in the end the list had bested us. 

“I know.”

“When we got married.” We both had been late to the wedding, because some jackass in evidence decided that spelling wasn’t important. 

“So what do you want to do now?” He looked truly lost.

“I don’t know I have never had a free time like this.” I wasn’t any better, both of our jobs were 24 hour jobs the fact that we had a home life was impressive, and mostly due to Carmen’s superhuman talents. 

“How about we leave work go home ‘lina is still at school for a couple of hours we could…”

“No we couldn’t, you have…”

“Nothing that can’t be postponed.” I pulled on my jacket, and handed him his. 

“You want us to…” He was obviously still in shock, though he took the jacket and started putting it on.

“Sneak off and play hooky for a couple of hours. I know this is new to me too, but with an empty board anything is possible.”

“Ok let’s go quickly.” He kicked himself into gear grabbing his phone and my hand, and leading me out of the office, Carmen didn’t need words; she probably knew the board was empty; she might have even facilitated these events a little. When we finally got in the door, and while taking off my heels and I realized he wasn’t disrobing as quickly as I was. “I don’t think I have ever seen our apartment at midday it’s really nice you did a great job picking the color.”

“Do you want to have sex or do you want to admire my interior design? How about you sit down since you seem to be distracted by my throw pillow design or whatever, and I take care of you, since it is your day of jubilee, and what kind of wife would I be, if I didn’t help celebrate properly. In other words just lie back and let me make you come.

“Oh Cariño I…” I sat on his lap and kissed him essentially silencing him. I loved kissing him it was always like he had been lost at sea for months and this was the first time we kissed since he had come back. I moved to his neck, and started to nip at his jugular. He groaned, but he was cut off by that cursed sound, his phone. He looked apologetically at me “Cariño.”

“No go on, answer that.”

“Sorry” He picked up the phone, and said “Yeah Liv.” He listened, “he did what… Ok.” I started nipping at his neck again; he was going to interrupt my free afternoon, hell no. When I reached a particular spot I felt him hiss. He tried to cover with liv, but then had to go for “I’m fine just stubbed my toe.” I started opening his shirt, and kissing down his chest, using my hand to undo his belt. I lightly brushed him and with a bit of pride he was already hard, who ever thought married couples don’t have fun was sadly mistaken. He groaned, as I started brushing him more intentionally. I heard Liv ask, “Are you sure your ok?”

“Fine” he sounded strangled, just the way I liked him. I slid my hands down his pants and slighted cupped him. He knew he had to get off the phone now.

“Look Liv I got to go, O’Dwyer just walked in.” He didn’t wait for her reply, he just hung up. I looked up at him.

“Now I am O’Dwyer, I didn’t know that I looked like an overworked middle aged white guy.” With that I slid down him, and when my knees hit the floor, I pulled down both his pants and boxers in one motion. Then realizing by the state of him, how much my teasing had done to him, I simply kissed his tip, and then took him in my mouth. I started out slowly, picking up speed every time his grasp on my hair got tighter. 

“Cariño I am going…” I am not sure what made me, put I removed him from my mouth, and looked up innocently and asked, “What I didn’t catch that?” He glared at me, and with a smirk I went back to the member at hand. I sucked slowly but with more suction; using my hands to massage the parts of him I couldn’t reach.

“Cariño, oh Mierda, you are…” With that he came, and I licked him clean. Then I sat back up on his lap, and kissed his flushed face.

“You were saying?” He pulled me in and kissed me sweetly with love and affection I wrapped my arms around him, and realized that loving him was one of the easiest things I had ever done. He stopped kissing me to whisper into my heart “I’m going to make sure you can’t walk tomorrow. Now bend over.”


	74. Saudade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saudade is Portugese for “longing for an absent loved one. It carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return.”

Getting married puts things in perspective. Why did I end up with this person? How did we get here? What drew us together? Do those questions even matter the night before your wedding? Did these questions mean I was getting cold feet?

I stared out of my hotel room window, watching the sill fill up with snow. Snow in New York was always magical. It blanketed the otherwise grimy streets and made everything look new. I felt my insides cramp again. Probably from lack of food. The anxiety had driven hunger clean from my mind. Carisi had said that if I was getting cold feet I should remember why I loved Rafael.

I loved him because of his passion.

The first time we had met had been all about passion. Reckless, stupid passion. I was just another ADA brought over from the northern district. We all rotated to the tune of whoever sat in the DA’s chair, and my number had been up. Rafael had been assigned to show me around, and on my first day I was held hostage in the SVU precinct. Some asshole had decided that he didn’t want his girlfriend to testify against her attacker because it would make him look bad in front of his buddies. When Olivia and Carisi had refused, he had pulled a gun on us. It was over in a matter of minutes. It turns out pulling a gun in a police precinct full of cops is a bad idea. It did however rattle me. I turned to Rafael and asked.

“Is this how you introduce people in the Southern District?” He had smirked and replied.

“Only the ones we’re sure can handle it.” That earned him a smile.

“You wanna go for a drink? Calm your nerves?”

“I am cool as a cucumber, but yes.”

The bar and been almost empty, most people didn’t drink on a Monday night, not even cops. After my first whiskey-soda I asked.

“Why SVU?”

“Why not? I get to help people who have had their lives shattered.”

“That’s not what I asked, and you can do that being attached to any unit. Isn’t that the point of the DA’s office to prosecute crime?” That took him aback. Most people used the DA’s office as a stepping stone to more money and a bigger office, and Rafael Barba was long overdue a promotion into the private sector. He took a sip of his whiskey, and answered my actual question.

“Because it helps me sleep at night, knowing that we are working to put away the worst of the worst.”

“What makes rapists worse than any other criminals?” I smile played across his lips. He was impressed.

“Because there is there is no excuse for it. Drug dealers are often people who didn’t have another way out. Rape is always a choice.” It was my turn to be impressed.

“Well put. So why not use your talents in a broader capacity. Go work for Congressperson. Help change the laws.”

“I like being in the trenches. My victories might be small on the larger scale, but they are still victories.” I smiled, that was the right answer.

“My turn to ask a question. Why did you become a lawyer?”

“That’s a loaded question.”

“And yours wasn’t?”

“In this case my answer is boring. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I am bad at math, and hospitals give me the creeps. So, law seemed like a good option.” Another smile, I was starting to like his smile. The way it twitched the corner of his mouth, and lit up his eyes. Most people smile big, because they want everyone to know that they are smiling. Rafael’s felt more intimate. Like it was just for me.

The night went on, and for the life of me I couldn’t say what we talked about. All I remember is the look in his eyes. Eyes that had seen so much horror, but were delighted by simply talking to me. We talked until we didn’t. The last of the adrenaline mixed with the whiskey, and I kissed him. Every part of my body stopped what it was doing and just focused on him. The way his lips felt against mine, the surprising softness of his hair, his hands on my hips. Today I am happy I did it, but it was a stupid reckless thing to do.

I felt my legs cramp and stood up from my window seat to stretch. I looked down at my phone and saw a text from Rafael.

“Your perfect husband-to-be has done the impossible and found everyone a seat. We are ready for everything to go wrong.” I rolled my eyes and smirked.

His cockiness drove me up the wall, but it was another reason I loved him. It wasn’t the cockiness alone. There are plenty of people, especially lawyers, that were cocky. What set Rafael apart was that he could back it up. He had a great education and track record. He could pull off the swagger. His cockiness was earned. It also made him damn attractive.

There were countless situations where I could have sworn we would lose the case, but Rafael pulled a win. Most of the time out of his ass, but he managed it somehow. The first time I had watched one of his closing arguments I had been shocked. Most lawyers were cautious in their closing arguments. Especially prosecutors, because they went first. Rafael didn’t care. He ended with “blood running in the streets”. Arrogant? Yes. Hot? Definitely.

He knew it too. He knew he was good, which made the cockiness even worse. People who know they’re good use it. We had just started secretly dating. It had been a hard couple of weeks, but we had won. To celebrate I thought I’d surprise with bottle of champagne. I opened his office door to see him packing up.

“Good job today.”

“I know.”

“Usually people just say thank you.” He snapped close his briefcase.

“Why?”

“It’s the polite thing to do. I paid you a compliment and you say thank you.”

“But why? You’re just stating the obvious.” I rolled my eyes.

“What you got there?”

“It was a bottle of champagne that I was going to drink with you, now I am not so sure.”

“It’s no longer a bottle because you’re not sure?”

“It’s still a bottle, but you’re not getting any. I am going back to my office and drinking it by myself.”

“You’re going to drink alone in your office? Did you have a bad day?”

“No, I just have an incredibly annoying boyfriend.”

“That just won a case you told me not to take.”

“Because it was hopeless and would have been career-ending.”

“And yet I won.” I rolled my eyes again.

“Yep, definitely drinking this alone, and to think you were going to have sex tonight.”

“What?

“I had the lingerie all picked out, but if you are going to be a poop-face…” He cut me off.

“A poop-face?”

“I am working a case involving children. My insults are a bit more child-friendly these days.”

“Alright, if I am such a poop face, you won’t mind if I leave without kissing your goodbye.” My eyes narrowed. Goodbye kisses were very important to me. After that first day, I wanted to be sure that if I died the last thing Rafael would have from me is a kiss.

“Fine.” He raised an eyebrow and his mouth twisted with a smirk.

“I can just walk out that door.”

“Not a problem.” He crossed the room and stood next to me, his hand on the door knob.

“I am going to open this door and walk out.” Before he could even turn the doorknob I had him by his stupid perfectly made up tie and was kissing him. Asshole. I could feel him smile against my mouth. He had won again. When we pulled apart he was wearing his signature smirk.

“How about that bottle of champagne?”

I stopped stretching and realized that my chest hurt. It was probably just jitters. As I paced the room, I found the thing I loved most about Rafael.

He was kind.

He had grown up in horrific circumstances, and yet he was kind. They were small kindnesses. He took his mother to lunch every Saturday morning without fail. Rafael volunteered as choir director at his old neighborhood church.

About a year ago, he stood me up for dinner. It was the first free night we had together in months. I was pissed. We had reservations at one of the nicest places in town. One with a year-long waiting list, and there I was sitting alone at the restaurant.

At some point the pitying looks and the not-so-subtle hints from the staff got too much and I left. I considered just going home and ignoring him for a week, but I wanted to know why. Explanations rushed through my head, none of them pretty. I went back to the precinct, ready to yell at Rafael, but then I saw him.

Rafael Barba was on his knees talking with a small boy. I knew the boy’s father was an abusive alcoholic, and his mother seemed to only care about her next tanning appointment. After a particularly bad night the neighbors finally called the police. It was the only time I had ever seen Rafael truly lose it. When I got home I found him sitting on the floor of our bathroom, drinking whiskey straight from the bottle and staring ahead. His eyes were empty, no sadness or anger, just empty. As if the light in his eyes had been snuffed out. I gently took the bottle out of his hand and sat down next to him. We sat there all night, not talking. There was nothing to say. No words could ever be good enough.

I stood in the door frame and watched Rafael. There were various pieces of paper strewn across the floor all with different crayon drawings. The little boy had a dinosaur in one hand and a firetruck in the other, and was enthusiastically waving both of them. He was animatedly telling Rafael a story, at least it sounded like a story. Rafael listened intently. His eyes alight with interest. As if it was the most captivating story he had ever heard, and not a something about how fire trucks should have lasers on them. I knew his knees must be killing him, but he didn’t show it. A couple of minutes later the boy noticed me in the door frame, and Rafael looked up too.

“Hey.” I said softly. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“No problem, Tony was just telling me all about his plans to bring back dinosaurs and take over the earth.” I laughed, and tears started to form in Tony’s eyes. I quickly explained.

“I’m not laughing at you. It’s just I had the same plans when I was little.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“What happened?”

“I met Rafael and realized he would never survive dino takeover.” Both Tony and Rafael laughed at that. I sat down next to Rafael, and offered.

“If you want I can help you with your plans.”

“Ok, but I need to draw you a picture first.” Tony got up and moved towards the table with the crayons, and Rafael leaned over to me.

“Sorry I missed our dinner.”

“Absolutely not a problem.” There was a different look in his eyes now. A look filled with the endless possibilities for the future.

I stopped pacing, and smiled fondly at the memory. I realized that the wedding didn’t matter. What mattered was the future. A future full of happy memories, light, and Rafael.

“Mr. Barba.” Rafael looked up to see her surgeon standing in front of him. “I am sorry to inform you that…”

Everything went blurry. This was not happening. It could not be happening. They were supposed to be getting married today. To start the rest of their lives together.He wasn’t supposed to be here.

He looked up to see the surgeon still talking. “…The damage was too extensive. We did everything we could.”

No, he would not accept this. She was fine. She would walk in those doors and crack some joke about how their love was permanent, and even the surgeons couldn’t help him.

Deep down he knew she was gone. His blood-stained tux-shirt, and the golden wedding rings he had clutched in his hand made sure he knew.


	75. Jealousy and Sophocles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Request: possessive/jealous Barba

“Cariño why are we going to this? I thought we had filled our monthly quarter of schmoozing.” Rafael was smoothing the last of his hair down. You could say a lot about Rafael Barba, one of those was that he looked damn good in a tux.

“Because I need to woo Skinner?”

“Why do you talk to that dirtbag?”

“Because that dirtbag has money and he likes the curve of my ass, I mean he has seen it up close and personal.” I trailed off trying to not screw up my eyeliner.  

“Wait what?” Oh no this is not going to be easy.

“Yes ok, we had a thing, not a big one.”

“Wait when?” Here comes the Spanish inquisition, and this time I could have seen it from a mile away.  

“A couple of years ago.” I tried to be as blasé as possible to not arouse more interest, but that wasn’t going to happen once a prosecutor always a prosecutor.  

“For how long?” Though he seemed to have skipped the class in law school, where they taught you not to ask questions, you didn’t know the answer to.  

“Two years and change.”

“Two years and change‽”

“Yeah what’s wrong with that?”

“You were together with this guy for two years and you just forgot to mention that.” He was blowing this way out of proportion. Men.  

“It’s not really relevant.”

“Victoria.”  

“It isn’t.”

“You aren’t what someone could say a serial monogamist.” He was hitting me where I lived, which was with him but still.  

“So you are using my fear of commitment against me, you and I are together ok? Yes I dated him for a while, but it’s you and me ok? It’s always going to be you and me.” I pulled out my keys to lock my apartment behind us. I felt myself being turned around, and then he kissed me, deeply. As I pulled away, I could see his eyes cloud with what I could only assume was jealously. This was going to be a long night. Getting to the event, I needed to ask one last favor of Rafael. “Look I need you to pretend like you don’t know me.”

“What?” This had pissed him off.  

“He won’t be interested in me if he thinks we are together.”

“We are together!”

“Yeah but he doesn’t need to know that, luckily we haven’t broadcasted this to the world.” I reapplied my lipstick.  

“Luckily?” Luckily our conversation was cut short by the dirtbag himself.

“Victoria how are you?”

“Well, you?”

“Better now that you are here.”

“Oh Walter you always know how to make a girl feel special.” I felt Rafael move closer to me.  

“So tell me why your here?”

“Come on you know why I am here.” My own flirting was making me gag.  

“It couldn’t be just to see me?”

“I can’t deny that did not play a part.” Rafael moved even closer, the next step would be him lifting me over his shoulder and shouting mine over and over again.

“Introduce me to your friend?”

“Of course this…” But Rafael extended his hand to Walter

“Rafael Barba, nice to meet you.” I could see that Rafael had pressed just a little to hard during the handshake.  

“Good work on that pornstar case buddy, anything your working on?” If Rafael hated anything it was being called buddy, this was going to blow up.

“I do have one or two things cooking.”

“You cooking that’s a nightmare, you almost lit our kitchen on fire.”

“That is debatable.” This was not going well.  

“I have the scorch marks to prove it.” I saw Rafael clench his fists.  

“What I was nervous, I had just moved in.” It was all in or nothing now.  

“You two lived together?”

“Oh yeah for about a year and then Victoria here broke my heart. I guess you weren’t ready for a family, but I hear you are dating someone new.” here comes the fishing expedition.  

“Yeah I am, he is truly a sweet guy, maybe a bit overprotective,”

“Ahh another lawyer I hope it’s not O’Dwyer, it wouldn’t be the first time you broke the sleeping with your boss rule.” His eyes twinkled, Rafael looked ready to commit murder.  

“No it’s not O’Dwyer, and I only break that rule on special occasions. Oh look at, that it’s Liv calling” I pulled out my phone and turned to Rafael, “she probably has a development on a case.” He took the hint and followed me. I quickly hung up.

“What did she say?”

“Nothing you idiot, i needed to get you away before you strangled him, look I know he is an ass. He is cocky with no right to be, but he is loaded, and if you want the rape kits tests backlog to go away, we need him.” I was done with this caveman behavior.

“Why did you ever leave him, he seems perfect.”

“Because I realized I could do a lot better,” I grasped his lapels and forced him to look at me, “and trust me I have.”

“So Victoria when are you going to ask for my money?” Walter asked when we returned to his table.  

“Walter, I would never…”

“Cut the crap, I am not at a fundraiser for the appetizers.”

“Ok fine, do you want a walkthrough of what the money will be used for?”  

“I’ll make you a deal, you give me your number and go on a date with me next week, and I’ll fill your fundraising goal right now.” Oh I loved turned on assholes.  

“How could I say no.” Rafael watched intently as Walter cut the check, and practically stared holes in him as he walked it over to the table, and they recorded his donation, praising him for his philanthropy. The second they were done, Rafael pulled me to go, and halfway out the door he pushed me against the all. If we had stayed like that much longer, we might be cited for public indecency.  On the way home, he asked. “Did you actually give him your number?”

“Of course not, I gave him the number of one of my professors at Columbia who studied Sophocles.”

“Cariño, that is the most subtle way I have ever heard someone be called a motherfucker.” 

I smiled and reached up to kiss his cheek, quietly saying “It’s a gift and a curse.”


	76. An Empty White Board (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Could you do a nice smutty one about going down on Barba? Thanks :)

“Hey you wanted something?” I leaned against Rafael’s door.  

“A fluke of some kind has happened some sort of weird cosmic event.”

“What?”

“My schedule is clear.” He seemed in awe, but I didn’t see it yet.

“So we all have clear afternoons they are usually end up…”

“No you don’t understand I have done all the paperwork, I have written the motion for the McCourt case which will be filed Monday morning, the summary of the Tearsen case is on O’Dwyer’s desk, and I finally finished my cabinet reorganization project.”

“There has to be something.” Now I was blown away, this never happened. This was like finding the Holy Grail.

“No look the whiteboard is empty,” he had pointed to what was the scourge of our family time, an old worn out whiteboard that always contained something to do.  

“I have never seen your white board empty.”

“Me either.”

“On the day of Catalina was born there were things…” I had gone into labor in this room, since we wanted to finish the list before going to the hospital, in the end the list had bested us.   

“I know.”

“When we got married.” We both had been late to the wedding, because some jackass in evidence decided that spelling wasn’t important.  

“So what do you want to do now?” He looked truly lost.

“I don’t know I have never had a free time like this.” I wasn’t any better, both of our jobs were 24 hour jobs the fact that we had a home life was impressive, and mostly due to Carmen’s superhuman talents.  

“How about we leave work go home ‘lina is still at school for a couple of hours we could…”

“No we couldn’t, you have…”

“Nothing that can’t be postponed.” I pulled on my jacket, and handed him his.  

“You want us to…” He was obviously still in shock, though he took the jacket and started putting it on.

“Sneak off and play hooky for a couple of hours. I know this is new to me too, but with an empty board anything is possible.”

“Ok let’s go quickly.” He kicked himself into gear grabbing his phone and my hand, and leading me out of the office, Carmen didn’t need words; she probably knew the board was empty; she might have even facilitated these events a little. When we finally got in the door, and while taking off my heels and I realized he wasn’t disrobing as quickly as I was.  “I don’t think I have ever seen our apartment at midday it’s really nice you did a great job picking the color.”

“Do you want to have sex or do you want to admire my interior design? How about you sit down since you seem to be distracted by my throw pillow design or whatever, and I take care of you, since it is your day of jubilee, and what kind of wife would I be, if I didn’t help celebrate properly. In other words just lie back and let me make you come.

“Oh Cariño I…” I sat on his lap and kissed him essentially silencing him. I loved kissing him it was always like he had been lost at sea for months and this was the first time we kissed since he had come back. I moved to his neck, and started to nip at his jugular. He groaned, but he was cut off by that cursed sound, his phone. He looked apologetically at me “Cariño.”

“No go on, answer that.”

“Sorry” He picked up the phone, and said “Yeah Liv.”  He listened, “he did what… Ok.” I started nipping at his neck again; he was going to interrupt my free afternoon, hell no. When I reached a particular spot I felt him hiss. He tried to cover with liv, but then had to go for “I’m fine just stubbed my toe.” I started opening his shirt, and kissing down his chest, using my hand to undo his belt. I lightly brushed him and with a bit of pride he was already hard, who ever thought married couples don’t have fun was sadly mistaken. He groaned, as I started brushing him more intentionally. I heard Liv ask, “Are you sure your ok?”

“Fine” he sounded strangled, just the way I liked him. I slid my hands down his pants and slighted cupped him. He knew he had to get off the phone now.

“Look Liv I got to go, O’Dwyer just walked in.” He didn’t wait for her reply, he just hung up. I looked up at him.

“Now I am O’Dwyer, I didn’t know that I looked like an overworked middle aged white guy.” With that I slid down him, and when my knees hit the floor, I pulled down both his pants and boxers in one motion. Then realizing by the state of him, how much my teasing had done to him, I simply kissed his tip, and then took him in my mouth. I started out slowly, picking up speed every time his grasp on my hair got tighter.  

“Cariño I am going…” I am not sure what made me, put I removed him from my mouth, and looked up innocently and asked, “What I didn’t catch that?” He glared at me, and with a smirk I went back to the member at hand. I sucked slowly but with more suction; using my hands to massage the parts of him I couldn’t reach.

“Cariño, oh Mierda, you are…” With that he came, and I licked him clean. Then I sat back up on his lap, and kissed his flushed face.

“You were saying?” He pulled me in and kissed me sweetly with love and affection I wrapped my arms around him, and realized that loving him was one of the easiest things I had ever done. He stopped kissing me to whisper into my heart “I’m going to make sure you can’t walk tomorrow. Now bend over.”


	77. Not Spanish

“Why are we here?”

“Because we love our son.”

“Yeah but come on this is insane.”

“Oh it is. It is watering down of culture to a flag and some store bought cupcakes, but we pay good money for this school, and a bit of culture is better than no culture.” We found ourselves at one of those elementary picnics, with kids having booths portraying their countries.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Barba, I am so happy to see you.”

I leaned over to Rafael “Matt’s teacher.”

“Yes Mrs. Stevenson, how are you?”

“Good, I wanted to tell you that your son just won our top prize.”

“He did?” Matt was competitive but there must be other…

“Yes, no kid has gotten this many countries before.”

“Sorry?”

“We have world maps, and we let each kid label as many as they can, and Matt got the most out of everyone.” My heart swelled with pride, I knew those placemats were doing some good.

“Oh great, how many did he get?”

“He got fifty.”

“There are a 196 countries in the world and you are congratulating a kid who got a little more than a quarter.”

“Well yes the other kids…”

Rafael stepped in. “Thank you Mrs. Stevenson.”

“Mami, Mami. Is it ok if I go to Noah’s booth?”

“Absolutely mi hijo but make sure to be back for your presentation, I didn’t construct it for nothing. And tell aunt Liv that we are fine with the sleepover tonight.”

“You and your booth, I realize you are proud but this is a bit insane.”

“I constructed this booth myself.”

“You slapped some wood together and called it a booth.”

“For a kid from the Bronx. It is my masterpiece.”

“What you’re telling me that Harvard didn’t have woodshop.”

“Now we know what’s missing from…Oh no, what the… mierda. That’s not…Spanish” I must have, looked confused because Rafael pointed down the schoolyard. “Look at that kid’s sign:  _Allo roados lead to Chiloeo_.”

I wrapped my arms around him, and put my head to his chest.  

“Te amo, Rafael.”

“Te amo, tambien”


	78. Coffee and Scotch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Imagine cooking with Barba? That would be groovy

“Good Morning.” I called from the bathroom, as I heard Rafael stir.

“Morning cariño.”

“What are we doing today?” He asked as I walked back seeing him sit up in our bed in his trademark white t-shirt.

“I say we cook.”

“Cook?”

“Yes that thing where we put spices together with other food to make edible food.”

“Uhh sounds great but you might have to arrest me…”

“Why?”

Because I a-salted you with my my kisses.“ He groaned, but kissed me anyway.

“You knew this about me when you married me.”

“I know.” He resigned himself to pour us classes of water. It turns out you can’t survive on coffee and scotch, though we had tried.

“We do have that wonderful cookbook Liv gave us. Which I think is just a ‘gentle’ way of reminding us to stop eating so much take out.”

“So what do you want? A quiche.”

“Oh I love quiche.”

“I know.” He smirked at me, and pulled out what I imaged was the right pots. We were almost done, when the inevitable happened. Rafael’s cell rang.

“Oh come on.” I knew my whining wouldn’t get me anywhere, and if I hadn’t put in overtime last week, I would be getting the same call, but still. He hung up the phone quickly, and kissed my cheek.  

“You always say that you like eating alone.” He tried, changing into his suit.

“Here let me get that.“ I reached for the tie around his neck, and started tying it. 

“Well I like eating with you.” I nonchalantly patted his tie. “But you might be right, I am eating for two.” I looked up into his shocked face, and smirked. Then I closed his door in his face.


	79. Crushed Dreams

Rafael was mad, he was furious, he had never been so… heartbroken? How could she have done this? Did she not love him? Was Alex really that much better, and how dare they invite him? Were they really that vindictive?

He knew the answer, they were. Rafael was getting out of the Bronx, but Alejandro wasn’t. Harvard only had one spot for a kid from the projects, and it was Rafael. He hadn’t meant to crush Alex dreams, but Rafael had gotten the money. Everyone, including Yelina, was convinced otherwise. They loved Alex, he was the man of the people, he gave people hope that they too could get out of the slums.

Rafael wasn’t that kind of person, he was arrogant and had a mouth. He knew everyone would choose Alex over him in a heartbeat. He never thought Yelina would. In that hotel room she had whispered that he could  _trust her_ , that she wasn’t going to defend Alex. He had fallen for it, and he had fallen for her. Her smile, her cooking, and and the way she swayed her hips when she listened to Chirrín Chirrán.

Everyone thought that he had wronged Alex by getting the scholarship, that he had somehow had killed Alex’s chances, and hadn’t he? The worst part was Alex had gotten into Harvard just not the scholarships, and now he had to reject Harvard, Alex now had to reject his dream, and it was all Rafael’s fault.

He was going to his dream school, but he would rather go back to that hotel room with Yelina, be back under those covers. Having her whisper empty encouragement to him, and promise that she would not leave him. In the end she followed everyone else, back to Alex.


	80. Provoked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the end it was my fault, I had provoked him. I had challenged him to this competition. I had said that I could handle this, but I had had no idea how good he were at this. His texts had started off slow.

In the end it was my fault, I had provoked him. I had challenged him to this competition. I had said that I could handle this, but I had had no idea how good he were at this. His texts had started off slow.

How are you?

Good, way to much paperwork though.

I wanted to tell you that I was taking a nap earlier, and i dreamed of that weekend we spent in Ibiza, and well I woke up very hard.

Rafael

Oh this was not going to end well for me. I had done the same thing to him a couple of weeks ago, when he had to be at work for continued education. I knew I was in for the ride of my life. 

What I am simply telling you about my day, and how this morning I made myself cum, with just the thought of you.

Are you drunk?

No just enjoying the fact that you are at work and totally uncomfortable right now. I also know you could never set your phone to mute, or god forbid airplane mode.

I tried to ignore him after that. Big mistake.

I came so hard after my nap thinking about you. It’s sad that my hands aren’t nearly as good as your mouth.

Look I’ll be home soon.

Not soon enough cariño, I might have to start without you, won’t be the last time I change the sheets today.

Ok that was it. I sent my boss a quick note, something about forgetting a dinner party. When I got home and saw him sitting on the couch smiling like the cat that ate the canary, he knew exactly what he was going. He had wanted me to stay in bed with him all day, and when I refused he had gotten me to come home early. I pulled of my coat and my heels, then I started stripping in earnest. I saw his eyes brightening.

“Pants off.”

“Why? Shouldn’t you romance me first…” I just glared at him, and before he could remove much more than his pants and his boxers, I climbed on top, and started lowering myself onto him.   
“Y/N are you alright too…”

“Don’t play with games with me. You know exactly how wet I am right now.”

“Do I?” I cut off his smirk with a downward thrust of my pelvis.

“I think you do.” With that he grabbed my hips and started thrusting into me, making me whimper. How did he do that? How did he, when i clearly had the upperhand, win back control. A few more thrusts, and I was done for. I slumped into his arms and just let the orgasm rake through my body. He was right, it had been a good idea to come home early.


	81. Zu Spät

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Er hatte sich schon wieder einmal verspätet.

Er hatte sich schon wieder einmal verspätet. Es war nicht so, dass er nicht nach Hause wollte. Er hatte dich doch so lieb, aber an solchen Abenden kam die Arbeit zuerst kommen. Wie immer hatte die andere Seite im letzten Moment noch irgendwo einen neuen Zeugen gefunden und so war Rafael Abend dahin.

Er wusste schon als er reinkam, dass dies eine wichtige Nacht gewesen war. Er sah, dass überall heruntergebrannte Kerzen standen, und als er den Kühlschrank öffnete, sah er sein lieblingsessen, gekocht und weggepackt.

Er würde ihr morgen Frühstück machen, aber er wusste, dass so ein Manöver nur so oft funktionieren würde, bis sie ihn rausschmiss. Auf dem Weg ins Wohnzimmer zog er leise die Schuhe aus und lockerte er seine Krawatte.

Dann sah er sie, auf dem Sofa zusammengerollt, ein Buch auf ihrem Gesicht. Seine Mundwinkel zuckten. Sie las immer. Für ihren Job in der Uni musste sie schon viel lesen, aber irgendwie hatte sie immer noch Zeit, sich wenigstens drei Bücher selbst auszusuchen. Als er anfing, die Socken auszuziehen, schlug sie ihre Augen auf.

Er küsste ihre Stirn. “Hey, sorry, dass ich so spät bin.”

“Macht nichts, ich war eh total fertig.”

“Und warum das ganze Essen und die Kerzen?”

“Ich wusste, dass du total spät nach Hause kommen würdest und wollte dir eine Freude machen.”

“Danke cariño”, er gab ihr noch einen Kuss auf die Wange.

“Fur dich mache ich das gerne. Ich bin jetzt eh wach. Was hältst du von einem kleinen Mitternachtssnack?”


	82. When did we stop being friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was furious. Did he really think that little of me? That I would… I stormed into his office, completely ignoring Carmen, who looked like she was at the end of her rope too.

I was furious. Did he really think that little of me? That I would… I stormed into his office, completely ignoring Carmen, who looked like she was at the end of her rope too.

“Rafael… Rafael, don’t you fucking ignore me.”  

“I am late for court.” His tone was cold, this was bad. This was worse when the Matison girl had lied to me about being raped, when it was actually her best friend who had been attacked.

“Bullshit, don’t pull this with me.” We were going to have this talk one way or another. He seemed to give up on the notion of leaving, and turned to me.   

“What do you want?”

“ _I want my best friend back_. When did we stop being friends?”

“Florence.” He was trying to end this conversation. that wasn’t going to happen.  

“Oh it’s Florence now.” I knew what this was about. “Will is a good guy, the guy has a Pulitzer for christ’s sake. You are just looking for a reason to hate him. I mean is this in anyway about us?”

“No, I am just looking out for you and for the team.”

“I think we are fine without your help. A guy can’t look at me twice without you trying to indict him. Plus he didn’t do this, he couldn’t do this, you just decided he is guilty, out of some self righteous god complex. You broke up with me remember? Let me consult article two of relationship conduct because I am not a hundred percent sure where you get the authority to direct me to the men’s room.” He looked confused but he brushed it aside, and tried again.

“He has been the subject of three separate ethics hearings.”

“So what, and we have never skirted the law? He is not capable of this…. this isn’t him… I know him ok, he would never… God those girls.” I remembered the pictures that I saw, twelve year old addicted to cocaine. Some of these girls hadn’t even started puberty yet but they had been given a life long addiction to battle.

“He has tried to get all of you fired.” This was true, but he was a journalist.

“So that is his job, he needs to get the truth. Honestly, we weren’t always on the up and up. The sting Amanda and I pulled last month, you yourself said that was not completely legal. I guess screwing the ADA helps me not get be brought up on charges and specs, but be warned the second… You broke up with me, you have no right to act like an ass.” He looked hurt for a second then quickly moved to the counter attack.

“This has nothing to do with us. He is a scumbag who is being investigated by narcotics for drug trafficking to underagage girls, and you want me to trust you? Why because your instincts are so great? What about the Mansion girl. You were so sure then.”

“She lied to me.” He was right, I had thought her story true, but she had been a good liar.

“So is Herst.”

“Sure ok, any guy shows the slightest sign of interest in me is officially endangering children with illegal narcotics. You know what? I think I’ll screw Sonny next and maybe Mike, and suddenly we will have half our department brought up on charges, just because you can’t trust anyone that has looked at me twice. Is this what we are now? Because I can’t have this, you and I were never supposed end up like this.”

“Well you made sure of that. I am only going to ask you once, are you involved with him?” I knew this was coming, but I couldn’t tell him. I wouldn’t tell him.

“Don’t ask me that.”

“When were you gonna tell me? He is dangerous, I am going to indict him and trust me I will have him convicted.”

“So now your judge jury and executioner. How about actually meeting the guy? He will tell you all about how he isn’t addicting little girls to cocaine. But not the great Rafael Barba doesn’t even need to talk to suspects or witnesses, he can just sense if you are guilty, and you know what really gets his senses tingling? Anyone that has ever been in my pants.”  

“You and I are done talking.”


	83. No Circumstances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the evening.” With Rafael please!

There was a knock that door, I jumped up thinking it was the Chinese guy, but I was happily surprised. It was Rafael, we had met at orientation at the beginning of the year, and had bonded over both being from New York. He was drenched and carrying what looked like soaked through textbooks in one hand and in the other what I thought was an old family album.

“What happened to you?” I said giggling. He looked like a puppy that just had a very disagreeable bath.  

“My dorm flooded/ What the hell Flo this isn’t funny everything is ruined.”

“No i am sorry it’s not funny” I tried suppressing the giggles but it was impossible, he just looked too funny.  “Come in come in.” I led him to the kitchen, where him dripping would not cause too much damage.

“Alright let’s start crisis control i think first you need need clothes.”

“No i need to dry these first.” He held out his album and what looked like a waterlog copies of all of his textbooks for the semester. I knew why he looked so heartbroken, paying for college textbooks the first time around was hard enough but a second time.

“Ok what do we have here?”

“The textbooks…” I cut him off, I could always lend him my dry textbooks this was way more interesting.

“No what is this?” I knew it would be the polite thing to ask before taking and enjoying.

“Look I wanted something from h… it doesn’t matter. These are childhood pictures.”

“No problem you go and change and i’ll dry these.” He looked uneasy, something told me there weren’t a lot more pictures like these.

“I promise they won’t be harmed, but why didn’t you digitize them?”

“I…”

“You have no idea how to work a scanner do you?” I gave him a small smile, he was the only first year student I knew that was still had no idea how to work a computer.

“Not to be ungrateful but I have nothing to wear.”

“Check the closet.There should be some from when Chase was here.” I started carefully pulling apart the photos lucily most of them were unharmed.

“Chase was here?” Why was he that interested in Chase.

“Yeah he sleeps here sometimes why?” But before he could answer he had returned to the kitchen, and I had to laugh again. Chase was a full foot taller than Rafael, and it showed.  

“You look adorable.” He ignored and moved towards the photos. Even though the textbooks would most likely cost him hundreds of dollars he cared more about the photos. I didn’t know a lot of guys like that, and it made me smile.

“How are the photos?”

“Better than expected most of the photos were either not touched or just lightly around the edges the really bad cases have been put on a drying rack and…” I was cut off, by his lips. I had never, but it filled my stomach with butterflies, something that in the years to come would never change. He pulled away looking embarrassed.

“Look I’m sorry, I know you and Chase.”

“Wait you think … oh the clothes.” I had to laugh, he was too cute. “No he’s just here sometimes when he has an early morning class and his horse is so far away. So I let him crash in my couch.” If I was honest, when I first saw Rafael, I thought he was good looking, but I had suppressed that because classes were hard, and I didn’t need more complications, plus he was a good study buddy. I knew making him any other kind of buddy might compromise that.

“Still I shouldn’t ambush you like that.”

“Ambush me a couple of times more like that and I’ll even buy you dinner.” I pecked his cheek, and called the chinese place to add him to my order. “By the way you were an adorable baby.”

“Hey you weren't…”

“In what universe do you think would I have not looked at them?”

“Point taken, but there is nothing between you and Chase?” Why did he care so much?

“Chase is a sweet guy, but not my type.”

“You have a type?” I placed his order, and as I hung up the phone I turned to him.

“Any girl that tells you she doesn’t have a type is lying to you.”

“Good to know.” I sat on the couch, and patted the seat next to me.

“So why psych? At orientation you said you wanted to be a cop.”

“No, at orientation I said I wanted to be a detective. But why go on the the Psych Ph.D track, when I could just as easily do my four years and go into the academy. But you see I always wanted to be a criminal psychologist and I think there are a lot of squads they need them. That’s what I want.”  There was a moment of calm, that was electrified with tension, luckily the door rang. I jumped up to get it.

“Uh that’s the Chinese, but for now I am not getting you dinner.” I felt myself be pulled down by my shirt, and he kissed me. This wasn’t like the first one, this was hot. This was ‘please my bed is that way’ kind of kiss. I knew I couldn’t do that tonight, he… this was too knew and too good. He released me way too early, and when I opened my eyes, he was smirking.

“How about now?” I straightened up, and returned his smirk.  

“You have made a good argument counselor.”

“I haven’t declared, and law school is so…”

“You’ll be a lawyer, I have a way of knowing these things.” I opend the door, and paid for the food, he had earned it. After a few minutes of eating, he asked.

“So this is a date?” Oh this was not good.  

“Nope.”

“How is it not a date? We are eating, and the making out point to a date.”

“There will under no circumstances be sex for you at the end of the evening.” I pecked his lips. This time I was the only one smirking.  


	84. Secret Weapon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I pushed Rafael’s door open with my back while saying. “Hey, I wanted to know if I had won the bet I know… What the hell are you two doing?”

I pushed Rafael’s door open with my back while saying. “Hey, I wanted to know if I had won the bet I know… What the hell are you two doing?” I had walked into a construction site, and rather than two burly construction workers, I was met with Sonny and Rafael sitting on the floor, looking at manuel, and having a half-mostly wrongly assembled crib. They looked like they were at the end of their ropes.

“We are assembling this crib, it’s a present for Jesse, she is too big for the other one.” Sonny looked so proud, wether him and Rollins were going to last was still up in the air, but his bond with Jesse was for life.

“And you two have decided to take it upon yourself to build this one. Ok, I have a couple of questions though I would never want to question the glory that is this construction. First off why are you assembling this in Rafael’s office? Second, how did you get roped into this?” I looked down at Rafael. “And third why haven’t you asked for help?”

“First. because we are having the birthday celebration in the conference room.”

“Ok sorry again, why would you do it here?”

“Because the precinct is fun of murders and rapists, and we didn’t want to bring Jesse’s birthday fun there.”

“Oh good, you have named it.”

“And the conference from in the NY DA’s office is a better idea? Alright it’s too late now.” Rafael looked at me, his hair was disheveled, and any semblance that of sharp dress sense that he had had this morning, was now gone.

“He came to my door and I couldn’t get him to leave.”

“So you gave in?”

“He is almost as persuasive as you.” I laughed.

“And he doesn’t even have my secret weapon.” He smiled back up at me, sadly we had forgotten that Sonny was still in the room.

“What’s your secret weapon?” I turned a wicked smile on him.

“A white armani dress shirt, black stilettos and some red lipstick.” He looked like had expected anything but that, and also looked like he would love nothing more than take the last ten seconds back.

“Ok you definitely have some work to do. Sonny and I will take it into a conference room and finish it, and you finish whatever you needed to do here.” As if on cue, Rafael’s phone rang. As if he wanted to get rid of the last ten seconds Sonny asked.

“When you came in, what bet where you talking about?”

“Oh we bet how long it takes for inmates in the tombs to confess,” I turned to Rafael, “and from your smile.”

“I won I always do.” I roll my eyes and pull both Sonny and the crib outside with me. As we sat in the birthday fun conference room, Sonny asked another question.

“Don’t you wanna kill him when he says things like that?”

“My problem is I wanna jump him when he says things like that.”


	85. Haunt Your Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I die, I’m going to haunt your ass.

“We can’t do this.” Rafael whispered as I unlocked Liv’s door.

“Why not?”  

“Because it is illegal.” 

“It’s illegal in the way that drinking underage in college is illegal.” I pulled off the large backpack full of decorating supplies.

“Still illegal.”

“Oh calm down, we aren’t here to steal the Mona Lisa, just to get some much needed happiness in the life of SVU.” Tucker had finally plucked up the courage to ask Olivia and Noah to move in with him, and we had been put in-charge of decorating. Mostly because Rafael had asked if he could bring spoons.

“She is going to murder us. Remember she is a detective she carries a gun.”

“So do I, and you know that her weapon is locked away, there is no way she could get to it in time. But remember we aren’t here to murder her. We want to hang up decoration, plus we will be very quiet, ok? Tucker really wanted her to wake up to the decoration, and I am in a giving mood.” Then I started to blow up the balloons and placed them on every surface.

“Isn’t that kind of a crazy thing to spring on someone before they have had coffee.” I rolled my eyes.

“Liv quit caffeine.”

“The worst decision of her life.”

“Not everyone can eat like a teenager till they are in their forties, and they have already talked about it. This is just the question.”

“They talked about it?”

“Yes like adults, not everyone just stays the night and never leaves. Give me those round fan things.”

”What do you want me to do?”  

“I need you, with your immense height, to hang up the banner.”

“How am I supposed to do that in the pitch black?” It turned out whispered sarcasm, isn’t as great as normal voiced sarcasm.  

“You are a graduate of Harvard, figure it out.”

“I must have missed the class on breaking and entering, oh wait I didn’t.”  

“First off we aren’t breaking in we have a key, plus who cares about entering.”  

“You usually. She is going to kill us. I am just saying that if I die, I am going to haunt your ass.”

“I would love that, like that movie with the really creepy pottery wheel.”  I forced the ice cream cake, mine and Noah’s favorite, into the fridge.

“Do you have both presents?”

“Yep.”

“Put them on the table… not like that. Did you leave your craftiness in bedroom?” As I rearranged the presents, I felt him smirk in my shoulder, as he wrapped his arms around me.

“Maybe, how about we go home and find out?”

“Yeah lets, I am done with the decorations, and I have placed the spoons you promised in the honorary spot.”


	86. Grown Ass Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Wait you’re serious, oh I… Rafael I…” I was speechless, I had walked in on rafael looking into the mirror and measuring his stomach with one of those elastic measuring tapes.

“Wait you’re serious, oh I… Rafael I…” I was speechless, I had walked in on rafael looking into the mirror and measuring his stomach with one of those elastic measuring tapes. I started laughing, I couldn’t help it I was so taken aback. I stopped the second I started to see his face crumble.

“You hate…” 

“I don’t hate you. You look like a grown ass man, because guess what you are a grown ass man, and I love you.” I put my arms around him and kissed his cheek.   

“But Carisi…” I started to laugh again, and again their was hurt in his eyes. 

“Wait sonny really you’re jealous Sonny? That poor beanpole? That boy is like a brother to me, and you know what he is? A boy, a sweet puppy of a boy, but a boy. I have spent a lifetime dealing with boys, and I am ready and able for a man.” 

“Look I am…” 

“Sorry? Don’t be, it’s nice to know that you care about my opinion. We all have things we do not like about ourselves, you were the person who comforted me when that woman told me that I would be a bad mother.” I frowned at the memory, she had been an asshole but she had hit one of my deepest fears.  

“Your opinion is all I care about.” He started to smile again, he was usually so cocky, but it was good to see his walls come down like this.  

“What about your mom’s?”

“Well that was a given.”  

“Mama’s boy.” I whispered under my breath.  

“Damn straight.” He had always been a Mama’s boy, he adored his mother, and I inturn adored him for it. I winked at, and whispered again. 

“There is nothing for you to worry about, and anyway I am about to be a lot bigger than you.” 


	87. Silver Is In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey.” I looked up to see a downtrodden Rafael, a long day at the office but he usually came back invigorated, and not this beat down.

“Hey.” I looked up to see a downtrodden Rafael, a long day at the office but he usually came back invigorated, and not this beat down.

“Hey what’s wrong? You look like you had a bad day.”

“Do you remember the Pitman girl.” I rolled my eyes; it was one of the most annoying cases we had ever worked.  

“Yeah her parents want to her boyfriend in jail for statutory. I was there when they forced her to get a rape kit. Why?”

“Well they got it.”  

“They got the indictment, really?”

“And while i was preparing…” Another eye roll, I was not going through this again.  

“Oh fuck no, not this again. I am getting really sick of this.”

“It’s ten years.”

“So what exactly are you telling me?

“Listen.”

“No you listen to me right now Mr. I am over the age of 21 I am a grown ass woman I make grown ass woman decisions. I am thirty five…”

“And…” I let out an audible groan; this was getting too much for me.

“And I am…”

“45 yes I can do the math. Why is this so important to you?”

“Because I see the way people….”

“Fuck those people. I want to spend the rest of my life with you ok? I want to shout my love for you from the rooftops. And I know you want children and guess what we can still have them. So what’s the problem?”

“It’s just I am…”

“What old? Middle aged? Ok so am I. We aren’t young anymore Rafi, but that’s good we chose career over family and. Wait do you regret?” My brain caught up to my mouth and I realized what had happened, he had wanted to start a family early but then law school happened, then law school debt, then having to establish himself at a law firm, the crisis of confidence and the move to the DA’s office, then to SVU. And now he was regretting it, he had wanted this with someone younger, when he was younger.

“What?” He looked confused.  

“You would have rather have gotten married younger… all that talk about soul mates, wow you have done it now…”

“Y/N”

“What?”

“I just…”

“No spit it out.”

“I just feel to old, you are always so ready, you put away a hangover like no one I know. You have your whole future a head of you I am just a…”

“Broken old man?”

“Yeah.” I could see the tears pooling in his eyes, and Rafael Barba didn’t cry.  

“Oh Rafi.” I smiled and hugged him.

“Why are you smiling?“ He tentatively put his arm around me.  

“Because for a man that is sharp as a tack you are really dumb. I can put away a hangover like no one is because I didn’t drink that much. I drank enough for ten men when I was in law school, and I am done with that. As for my future I want to spend that with you I didn’t care if we are sixty, it doesn’t matter anymore. As for you, you may be broken but you and I both know I can hold my own in the crappy childhood contest. As for old, I find it sexy.” I gave him a wink; and he gave me a watery smile.  

“What?”

“The silver hair, I like it.” I ran my hands through his hair, and kissed his temples. “You have no idea what that does to me.” I put one of my legs between his and pushed ever so gently against the wall. His smirk reappeared, and I knew everything was good again.  

“Maybe you can explain it to me?”

“I can in… great” I squeezed him through his pants. “Detail.” His hissed and gave me a grin that promised that tomorrow morning we would have a noise complaint on our doorstep.


	88. Regrets from Yesterday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The evening had been wonderful, it was wonderful to experience tonight after all the hard work we had put it in. I thought sipping my champagne flute absently.

The evening had been wonderful, it was wonderful to experience tonight after all the hard work we had put it in. I thought sipping my champagne flute absently.

Yet in my heart, I knew that he was here, and that if I didn’t see him the evening would feel like a failure.

I hated him for that.

All he had to do was show up.

I had avoided him throughout the formal part of the evening. I had glimpsed him and even though I didn’t want to admit it, he had seen my too and good God he had looked good. I knew he would look this good. I had hoped that America had fattened him up or his face had aged badly, but no of course not he still looked as good as he did all those years.

A woman with big golden brown curls and an amazing black dress stepped up to the mike and announced that this would be the last song and dance. I knew it would be my last chance I walked down to the dance floor, my champagne flute forgotten on some faraway table. I was right behind him.

Who knew that tapping someone on the shoulder would be this hard? Without a second thought I reverted back to my knock from all those years ago. I did my customary three taps and stopping his conversation and turned around when his green eyes matched mine it was like our history bubbled to the front.

“Hi” I said wringing my hands.

“Hello, this is such a big win with your campaign moving up and up I really think that Senator Leight is the best choice, and you look great”

“Thank you, same to you. Wanna dance?’ I asked, knowing I needed to be close to him again.

“Last call, our signature move” he answered, quirking a smile.  

He led me onto the floor, and the band struck up a slow cord. He took my hips in his big warm hands and I felt safe again, I breathed out and it felt like I had been holding it  for years. The woman with the large curls started singing.

_“Everybody loves the things you do_

_From the way you talk to the way you move_

_Everybody here is watching you”_

In my inner eye I saw the blood on my hands, a mashed whiskey glass on the floor, and I heard the faintest tinkle of Schubert’s  _Ave Maria_. To avoid Rafael seeing the tears that had just formed in my eyes, I buried my face into his neck, smelling that strong cologne that smelled like the sun on it’s last ride of the autumn wind.

“Are you ok?” he asked swaying us slightly more.

“Yeah I am fine, it’s just it’s been a long couple of months to get here and it hasn’t been the easiest path.” From far away I heard…

_“Cause you feel like home_

_You’re like a dream come true_

_But if by chance you’re here alone_

_Can I have a moment before I go?_

_‘Cause I’ve been by myself all night long,_

_Hoping you’re someone I used to know._

Broken windows, half packed bags, and my own tear stained face flashed before my eyes. I decided then and there that I was determined to find out more about his current life.

“So how are you?” I said pushing those images into the back of my mind.

“Just like that?” he asked surprised “no pretense now how is the job, or is your mother doing well?”

“I never needed pretend with you” I said, knowing it was the truth.   

’ _Cause you feel like home_

_You’re like a dream come true_

“Sometimes I wonder what we did wrong I mean we did have it all” I said deciding it was now or never.  

“Y/N, we wanted different things in life, you were on the cusp of professional greatness and I was ready to settle down to build a life.”

“Maybe, but I still think we would have been great

_My God, this reminds me._

_Of when we were young_

_Let me photograph you in this light_

_In case it is the last time_

_That we might be exactly like we were_

_Before we realized_

_We were sad of getting old_

_It made us restless_

“I am sorry I didn’t come back” he said, his face etched with sorrow.  

“You shouldn’t have had to” I responded honestly “I was ready. I was just afraid I would loose everything I had worked for, and that you reacting to my loss would find another girl that was more interesting.”

_I was so scared to face my fears_

_Nobody told me that you’d be here_

_And I swear you moved overseas_

_That’s what you said, when you left me_

“Did you ever find what you needed?” it was vital for me to know.

“Yes, Marina and I got married about 5 years ago.” The realization that he had moved on felt like a knuckle punch to the gut.  

_Let me photograph you in this light_

_In case it is the last time_

_That we might be exactly like we were_

_Before we realized_

_We were sad of getting old_

_It made us restless_

“Sadly, in a cruel twist of fate Marina realized that she wasn’t right for me and found another man.”

_It’s hard to admit that_

_Everything just takes me back_

_To when you were there_

_To when you were there_

_And a part of me keeps holding on_

_Just in case it hasn’t gone_

Taking a leap of faith I asked “I guess I still care. do you still care?”

He smiled sadly at me as if he wanted to convey both sorrow and pity. “I think tonight we should stick to our signature”   

_Let me photograph you in this light_

_In case it is the last time_

_That we might be exactly like we were_

_Before we realized_

_We were sad of getting old_

_It made us restless_

_Oh I’m so mad I’m getting old_

_It makes me reckless_

_It was just like a movie_

_It was just like a song_

_When we were young_


	89. Snowed Out (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I woke up to kisses to Rafael pressing kisses into my collarbone. I heard him murmur “Cariño you smell amazing.”

I woke up to kisses to Rafael pressing kisses into my collarbone. I heard him murmur “Cariño you smell amazing.”

“No I don't” I said smiling, and added, “I smell like stale sex”

“Well I love it when you smell like sex” he said kissing down my neck in random patterns which he knew would drive me insane, he stopped his kisses to add “I like to think that smell has something to do with me”

“You and I both know it does” I said sitting up, and looking at his still naked back, “but also know that I have to go to work.”

“It’s 6 am,” he groaned.

“Exactly” I replied throwing off my sheets with gusto.  

“Cariño” He groaned, “The courthouse does not open for another four hours, they haven’t even started clearing the snow.”

“True but there is casework to prepare and I can wear snow boots.”

“If I didn’t know that you were obsessed with perfection I would feel cheated.”

“Well we wouldn’t want you to feel cheated now would we” I said trailing a finger down his back.

“No cariño, you said you had to work, you cannot be doing things like that if you aren’t planning to spend all day in bed with me.” 

“Fine”  I kissed his shoulder blades, and got up to leave, then I felt two enormous hands on my hips. I knew my hips were narrow but God.

“You cannot work me like that and leave, especially you can’t leave wearing that.” he said kissing my spine. Looking confused I replied, “I am not wearing anything.”

“Exactly all your wearing is the necklace I gave you for our anniversary.” 

“Oh yeah I told you I would wear it everyday.” 

“I know but there is something delicious in seeing you in nothing else” He smirked, continuing his assault on my spine. “Come on they are going to close the courthouse anyway, and you can spend all day in this bed with wearing exactly what you’re wearing.” 

I smiled “you know how to argue I’ll give you that but…”  He cut me off with a kiss.

“It turns out to be my profession cariño _._ ” 

“You know what’s weird it’s mine too. You are going to have teach more about this method of persuasion,” I said lying back down onto my pillow.

“Yes cariño, I think you have a hidden talent for this type of negotiation,” He shifting so he was directly above me.

“Yeah I have many hidden talents it turns out” I said arching my butt just enough to have an “accidental” touch him, I felt his instant reaction, and heard his low groan.

“You do have the makings of a good negotiator,” he said restarting his kisses of my clavicle slowly moving downward. The hot trail of kisses he was searing into my skin, made my hands went directly to his hair. God that was the benefit of a day off, no hair gel and his hair was so soft. His kisses came to an abrupt stop. His mouth lifted off my skin for a second, just to seconds later come down on my already hard nipple, scraping his teeth against teasing it further and further into the upright position. Shivering at his change of tactics I said, “Rafael, I am never going to survive you.”  

“Oh cariño I think you will be just fine.” He turned now to suck on the other one, using his tongue this time to make the second one as perky as the other one. I knew she needed to regain the upper hand so I moaned “God papi I should send the person who taught you that flowers” a deep chuckle escaped his throat, and in response his hand sneaked in between my legs.

“God I used have insurance in these things now look what have you done to me.” She had no idea what her voice in those octaves did to him. If she knew he would never be able to leave this bed again, and he would be totally content with that. Using two fingers he rolled her clit in between two of his fingers as his lips kissed his way down to meet his fingers.

“Bloody hell, papi” 

“You know what does that to me” he murmured into my skin.

“I do that’s why I do it” in the response to her cheek he stuck his tongue inside her.

“Want to rethink that Y/N because all of this could end.”

“You want me to beg?” I tried to sound cocky but my voice and my flushed body betrayed me.

“Eso sería la mejor cariño ( _That would be the best)_.” I moaned louder he knew the Spanish got to me. Not that I would ever admit that, using his tongue he slipped further and further into her and finding his favorite bundle of nerves deep inside her he started to massage those nerve endings with his tongue.

“Yes God yes.” 

“It’s Rafael but God is fine,” he said smirking between her legs. He knew that on most days that would have earned him a slap on the back the head, but now all I could do is moan just a bit louder. I felt my orgasm build and build, and as if he had sensed it too he removed his tongue from inside me and states kissing the inside of my thigh. Whining at the loss of touch, and trying to tug his face back between her legs.

“You know better” than that using his hands to touch anywhere but that little bud of pleasure.

Almost crying with pleasure “Fine I’ll do anything just please fuck me”

“What is the magic word?” he asked and I could feel him smirking against my skin.

“Please Papi.” His tongue went back inside her, and he started to trace insane patterns inside. That was the end of my restraint, a wave of extreme pleasure crashed on top of me and kept coming with Rafael sucking my clit into oblivion.  After finishing he asked me “Still want to go to the office?” I just laughed, giving him a long kiss and thanking my lucky stars that it had snowed last night.


	90. Little Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Again this is insane I mean it is one thing to hold drills, it is another to stop the whole precinct from working. I mean there has to be a law against this”

“Again this is insane I mean it is one thing to hold drills, it is another to stop the whole precinct from working. I mean there has to be a law against this” I said exasperated, as we stepped into the decontamination area that HAZMAT had set up. We had monthly “drills” were every employee had to go through all the procedure we would go through if we were undertaken with biological warfare.  

“After the close call we had in Grand Central, I don’t blame them” Olivia said following the instructions on the side of the tent.  

“Ok, but these are nice suits that they are ruining them,” I said as I started to unbutton my blouse.

“They do repay you.” Carisi said over the divided that was supposed to keep us from seeing each other naked.

“I don’t care about the money, I care that my supply of suits is shrinking” added to the fact that I had to lug the good suits back and forth between Barba’s place and mine, I thought silently.

“Look on the bright side you get an industrial shower” Carisi said obviously trying to cheer me up.  

“Carisi are you telling me that I need an industrial shower?” I asked knowing it would trip up the usually quite smooth detective.

“NO no…” was all he could get out.

“Don’t worry about it but I’ll remember the next time you come into my office, and tell me that you spend the entire afternoon searching a suspect’s trash which not only is illegal, but is also an probably worse the stench stays in my office” I said.

“I am sorry counselor” he said more defeated than I intended, but Fin came to my rescue.

“Carisi, she is just busting your chops”

“Just remember that next time you can just call me,” I said exiting the tent, behind Rafael in a NYC bathrobe.

Our friendly Hazmat colleague directed us to the showers and we toed in line. Rafael looked visibly uncomfortable.

“YN if you need help scrubbing I am already done” Carisi called over the stall divider, obviously trying to regain his ego from earlier.

“Thanks Carisi i think my mom taught me better than that” I said knowing it would annoy Rafael, and give Sonny that boost he needed. After exiting the showers in our newly Issued NYPD sweatshirts and pants. Barba definitely looked tenser, and shot Carisi a couple of undeserved evil glances. Looking into the mirror and seeing my completely bare and tired face I said more to myself than anyone in particular “God how can I erase this face, from everyone’s memories.”

“You can never erase art it stands the test of time,” Carisi said coming up behind me. I could see in the mirror that Rafael’s fists were painfully clenched, he looked ready to murder. To add a little flame to the fire, I turned to Carisi and said “Not bad Carisi you’ll find yourself a girl yet” As I exited the containment unit I saw that Barbara gave me the say-another-word-and-I-will-make-you-pay-all-night look.

What came next was a day of paperwork and not one solitary minute, I didn’t mind because I knew Rafael’s revenge would be brutal.

“What the hell were you doing?” he said when he finally caught me on my way out of the office. Deciding to play it dumb I said.

‘What do you mean, oh my motion to…” but he was not buying my act.

“No, not you motion your motion was great. I meant the business with Carisi,” He said now squarely in my way to the tube stop. Trying to push my luck a bit further I said

“What business, so yeah i busted his balls a bit for that stupid interrogation, but he deserved and since when are you protective of Carisi?”

“No not that,” now even more annoyed. “This morning in the showers.”

“Oh that.” I said like I had just forgotten that. “It was a bit of harmless flirting and it is not like you and i can flirt anymore,” I said finally telling someone the true nature of my feelings.  

“Why not, Cariño?” he said cupping my face.

“Because the second someone looks deeper they are going to find out our little secret” I said with a lot more emotion than intended

“What if i didn’t want it to be our little secret anymore” he said thumbing away a tear from my cheek.

“Well then there is paperwork to be filled out,” I said not wanting to believe his proposal.

“Is that really your only reaction, Cariño?” he said smiling.  

“Well it is the only one i can show publicly,” I said mirroring his smile and taking his hand.

“Then we are going to have to just find a private place.”


	91. Rooftop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come on” Rafael pleaded as he pulled me up the narrow staircase that led to the roof, no less in a blindfold.

“Come on” Rafael pleaded as he pulled me up the narrow staircase that led to the roof, no less in a blindfold.  

“The roof? Really come on you know I’m not a fan of heights and plus isn’t this a wonderful place for birds to poop.”

“Maybe, that doesn’t mean that it is not a amazing place, Cariño.”

“Come on for the…” I trailed off our usually desolate and quite frankly dirty rooftop had been transformed. Now there were fairy lights hanging everywhere. A small stove was in the corner already, heating the roof, and cooking what smelled like a wonderful dinner. There were flowers decorating most of the roof, still had the day’s snow on it. Soft cello music playing in the back. “How did you do all of this? Oh look its a snowman” I exclaimed. He had almost perfectly sculpted a snowman in the corner of the roof;

”I mean I love this, and you. I mean look at all of this…” I said trailing off my rant and eyes started to water. As I turned around I saw a sight I never thought I would see Rafael Barba on his knees, holding a small velvet box with a ring inside.

“YN, you have been my rock these last three years, and I love you. You have been yourself, against all the people who didn’t want you to be. You have been a friend, a confidant, badass detective, and most importantly you have been my partner. So I ask you, will you make me the luckiest guy in the world, te casarias conmigo?” I smiled so overwhelmed with emotions, the ring was amazing. It was plain yet elegant, I wanted to tell him how much this meant to me; how I had never thought I could ever be in love. 

I always thought my past would be too dark, or my job hard or my exterior to stony? Yet this man who did nothing but care about others, decided that I was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me? I looked down and Rafael was wobbling, in trying to catch himself from falling he dropped the ring in the snow. I laughed at his furious face and his big hands trying to find such a small object. Stooping down to his level, and putting my hands on his I said “me casaré contigo”


	92. Joy and Sorrow

“Hey cariño.”  I heard the door shut behind Rafael.

“Hey.”

“What you looking at?”

“Old pictures, a… friend of mine died today.”

“Oh I am sorry.”

“No you shouldn’t be, he wasn’t exactly a nice person or on the whole a good man.” I looked back down at my box of pictures. There he was alive smiling into the camera, we had been on a weekend trip to Miami.

“If I can ask how did…”

“Drive by shooting. I am surprised it didn’t happen earlier to be honest.” It had been a miracle that I had been informed at all, I guess someone in the operation remembered me and thought I had a right to know.

“Was he….”

“He was a drug kingpin in the Heights.”

“Wait Nevada Ramirez?”

“Yeah.”

“You were friends?”

“No were… I am not sure what it was, but it sure as hell wasn’t healthy.” I smiled to myself, he had been wonderful. There weren’t any long walks on the beach and most nights it was just sex but… “

“He and you….”

“Yes we fucked. Was that your question? Yes I used to fuck a drug lord, the cute governor’s daughter fucked a drug lord, maybe I was rebelling.” I slammed the small box shut.

“Look cariño.”

“No listen up ok. I am entitled to my emotions especially today. I understand he wasn’t a good man. He was the devil personified for most people, but not to me. He was always kind to me.”

“You know he….”

“Anything you are about to say I know, and yes he did all of those things while with me too. But this is my day of grieving, this guy isn’t going to funeral ok? Don’t look so fucking sanctimonious. He won’t get one, and I know why, but don’t you dare belittle him or in turn me. Who ever he was… I owe him a lot. He made me feel safe in a time where I didn’t think I could feel safe, he gave me an out of that golden cage I lived in, and for a while it was nice.” I remembered how he had taken me in after everything that had happened in that penthouse.

“Did he…”

“What hurt me? No never, he enjoyed consent more than I have ever known a man to enjoy it. I think he thought it made it sweeter.”

“All this time.”

“Of course I haven’t mentioned him. He isn’t someone you mention at a dinner party. He… was a special case. Say what you want about him but he was one of kind He… I am not sure what he was. You two even look alike, I mean take away the dress and shave him a little and you two are twins. Maybe that means I have a type…” A mirthless laugh escaped my throat.  

“I am nothing.”

“Oh shut the fuck up.” I took a deep breath and tried again. “I am sorry I didn’t… no I did. You make me out to be some sort of petulant child whose favorite toy was crushed by Daddy’s mercedes. I am not… I realize his death is a plus for the community and the city at large, I just…”

“Miss him?”

“Yeah.” I let him pull me into a hug, and for a while I sobbed into his chest, while the rest of the world was celebrating.


	93. Cracked Eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the end of Barba

Rafael had never understood the need for all of those school assemblies on peer pressure, until tonight. He had been out drinking with the squad. They had won a huge case, and a very bad man was going to jail.

They might have overdone it though because at some point Sonny proclaimed that he wanted to “RECLAIM HIS YOUTH” until everyone pointed out that he was the youngest there. Sonny then argued that “age was not a number but a feeling”.

Amanda was so inspired by this that she suggested around to dares. Fin had to reveal earlier in the evening that he could dance the minuet so he had to go up to a random bar patron and dance the minuet with them. Amanda had to pretend she was a dog for five minutes. Olivia sang the entirety of On My Own, off-key and out of tune. Sonny then pointed to Rafael.

“You” he slurred. It’s your turn. The only defense Rafael had for what he said next was that he had been extremely drunk.

“Do your worst.” 

After a bit of discussion, it was decided that Rafael was going to egg someone’s house. Even in Rafael hazy brain something felt wrong, but he pushed it aside. They got up, paid their tab. They were drunk not animals. Then Olivia returned, Rafael hadn’t even noticed she’d left, with a carton of eggs. 

They then walked around Downtown Manhattan for what felt like hours. In reality, it was probably like 20 minutes. Before coming to a stop in front of a small but well-kept brownstone. Sonny, apropos of nothing, theatrically pointed to the house and said, “That one”.

Rafael took the eggs out of Olivia’s hands, and she and the rest of the squad scurried behind a bush. Rafael clearly remembered shouting “scardy cats” after them. Then he started to throw the eggs. The first one landed on the grass. The second hit a shrub, but the third one hit a window and left a gooey mess behind. 

Bolstered by the alcohol and the euphoric feeling he got when the egg hit the glass he continued throwing. His aim was getting better. Two connected with the upstairs windows, one hit the flamingo in the garden, and another the flower pot on the front stoop. Then the door of the brownstone was ripped open and a man started shouting at Rafael. 

“What in the name of holy fuck are you doing?” 

Rafael slowly took in the man’s features and then he recognized him. He was Agent Jack Marshal, he ran the FBI eastern seaboard division. That realization sobered Rafael up real quick. 

The full effect of night’s events hit him. Rafael jolted back to the conversation with the man still yelling at him. In a moment of pure panic, definitely helped by the remaining booze in his system, Rafael shouted.

“Sir, I am sorry for egging your house but your daughter” Rafael wasn’t even sure Jack Marshal had a daughter. “Dumped me the other night and I wanted to show her exactly what I think of her.”

“By throwing eggs at my house?” Rafael straightens up, and hoped that he wasn’t overdoing it when he said.

“Yes sir, it was the only way I could think of to get her attention.” 

Jack Marshal looked confused but he looked over his shoulder and yelled.

“Y/N, could you come here for a minute?” Rafael felt a second of relief until he realized he now had an even bigger problem. He hadn’t dated Y/N, he didn’t even know Y/N. 

A woman came to the door and survey him. For the first time all night Rafael looked down at himself. His blazer and tie were missing, and his suit shirt was open all the way, showing his white undershirt. 

For the second time that night Rafael was pulled out his drunken thoughts by someone yelling.

“Do you know this man Y/N? He says you dumped him and now as revenge, he is egging our house.” Y/N looked at Rafael and he silently pleaded with her “ _please go along with this I don’t want to go to jail_ ”. By some sort of miracle, Y/N understood was Rafael was trying to communicate to her, and turned to her dad and said.

“Dad it’s fine. He’s a guy I met a couple of months ago and we started going out. I broke up with him when the Whitmore case came in. He’s actually a great guy.” She shot Rafael a sidelong glance. “When he’s not egging other people’s houses.” Jack Marshal padded his daughter’s arm and went back inside, but not before saying.

“Alright darling, let me know if he causes you any trouble.” She walked down to Rafael, smirking and typing on her phone. 

“Thank you so much. I am so sorry, but my friends and I…” she cut him off, still smirking.

“Don’t worry, I love pretended to have had boyfriends.”

“Thank you again, I am Rafael Barba.”

“I know, I’m Y/N L/N.” That name meant something to him, but his brain was felt like chewing gum being slowly pulled apart. 

“You’re…” 

“Senior Counsel for the New York Times, yes.” Oh, the free speech case. The alcohol muted the warning bells that had just gone off in his head, and he just asked.

“How can I ever repay you?”

“We’re even, well…” She picked up the egg that had landed in the grass cracked on his head. “Now we're even.”

Rafael felt the cold gooey contents of the egg sliding down his face. He deserved that. 

“I called you a cab.” She pulled a small card out of her back pocket, wrote a phone number down and handed it to him. 

“Call me when you’re sober.”

When Rafael Barba woke up in his bed the next day he smelt of bad eggs and stale booze, but he didn’t regret the night before.  


End file.
